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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel MIL crossed a line...

96 replies

Specky12 · 28/07/2018 20:29

Or was she just helpful?

DH and I are just back from 2 weeks abroad and MIL very kindly offered to feed our cats. While we were away she also replanted our flower pots as ours died due to heat, cleaned and tidied (even though I thought we had done that). She also went in my wardrobe and found our laundry basket and cleaned and ironed our dirty clothes. She didn't know that's where it was kept so must have gone upstairs and hunted... She also left chocolates and flowers around the house, including in our bedroom drawers. She changed our bed sheets for us and sorted my kitchen cupboards by labelling everything... I know she was being kind but I feel like my privacy has been invaded. I sound ungrateful, but I am quite private and hate the thought of her having gone through our house... DH says I am unreasonable and should thank her.

OP posts:
ScattyCharly · 28/07/2018 20:46

I’d be very angry if that had been done in my house. My MIL wouldn’t do that. She is a lovely woman and she would also be angry if someone did that in her house whilst she was away. Total invasion of privacy.

Some people don’t care about their own privacy and would be fine with it. I have a friend who doesn’t seem to need any privacy. She would be pleased with the “service” described in the op.

babydreamer1 · 28/07/2018 20:46

YANBU I would hate this, no one goes in our bedroom apart from me and DP. I wouldn't even want someone washing and ironing my clothes! My home is my private space and I don't need help cleaning if I did I'd get a cleaner! Just explain to her you appreciate the sentiment but would prefer if it didn't happen again, ask a lazy friend to feed the cat from now on or use a cattery.

Beaverhausen · 28/07/2018 20:46

Tricky one OP but understand how you feel especially going by her past treatment of you.

Personally I would just give her a card and some flowers saying thank you for everything she did and if she ever offers to feed the cats again just make sure you lock away all personal and financial information. Like in a vault!

Emma765 · 28/07/2018 20:48

I thought kind until I got to labelling in the kitchen. That's odd. I wouldn't feel comfortable with her doing washing but I would be grateful for that.

Readyfortheschoolhols · 28/07/2018 20:48

I would suggest she has been spying for something to cause trouble about.
Or she wants to know details regarding something you have done /bought recently that's she doesn't feel she has been informed enough about.

Original poster
Specky12 · 28/07/2018 20:50

@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow
Funny you say that as I am concerned she went in our drawers as we do have a special drawer... No gimp mask in there though, we took that with us on holiday 😂😂

OP posts:
Slimmingsnake · 28/07/2018 20:52

I've no family ..so I would love that so much...she must really love you guys..I know it's overstepping a bit..but I'd still 😍 love it

BearCubX · 28/07/2018 20:53

Oh god that's a huge line crossed!! Beyond nosy. I'd hate anyone to rifle through my closet or change my sheets.
I'd get your DH to have serious words with her and say how she absolutely cannot ever go through your stuff again.
It's not helpful it's just controlling and nosy.

timeisnotaline · 28/07/2018 20:56

It’s a bit weird. If she was lovely I’d thank her profusely and perhaps not ask again. Given she’s not lovely I’d be very confused, thank her but clearly say there was really no need to go through our wardrobes and drawers. And NOT ask again unless she now shows she is a completely different person. You should test this by the way by asking her to babysit Grin

Inertia · 28/07/2018 20:56

I would feel very angry at having my privacy violated like that. Yanbu.

pinkyredrose · 28/07/2018 20:57

Sounds like she snooped under the guise of 'helping out'. Why does your dh think you should thank her for rifling through your things?

Inertia · 28/07/2018 20:59

Your DH’s reaction is also unhelpful. Perhaps he has some very personal possessions he’d like to invite your relatives to rifle through?

diddl · 28/07/2018 21:04

" DH says I am unreasonable and should thank her."

Hmm

Thank her for doing what you didn't want doing?

FlyingMonkeys · 28/07/2018 21:05

I'd not feel happy about someone else washing my dirty clothes/knickers... The chocolate in the bedroom drawer is a bit 😯 too. Does she have a group of friends she likes to 'one up' with? I wonder if someone else's MIL recently 'did the house out lovely for the kids coming back from holiday'.

Gard21 · 28/07/2018 21:05

The funniest thing happened when they lived with us was taking Dils braids out I stood on her dildo which was under their bed. So nothing is private any more.
I always wash their dirty washing while they are away. But don't root in their cupboards.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 28/07/2018 21:07

I have to say, I would think she was clumsily trying to be nice. I would also feel very awkward and quite upset, don't get me wrong! But I can't see that someone would try to be mean by doing these things and distributing chocolates.

TorviBrightspear · 28/07/2018 21:08

You are not being unreasonable. Your MIL is, for going into private space, and your DH is, for expecting you to thank her for going in your private space.

If my late (ex) MIL had ever tried that, it wouldn't be happening a second time.

AnnaMagnani · 28/07/2018 21:20

My DM does this.

When she first did it I was absolutely livid. But mentioning it hurt her, and TBH I did have nothing to hide from her, and it did come from a good place, and I was delighted she had done all my ironing and weeded my garden, and the way she reorganised my knicker drawer was v sensible ...

Next holiday I let her crack on.

Now she is disabled and we both miss that she can't do it.

Only time is going to tell you if she is trying to turn things round and be nice, or this was a manipulative thing to do.

ThisMorningWentBadly · 28/07/2018 21:23

I’d absolutely love it if someone did this for me.

SisterCage · 28/07/2018 21:23

It's a step too far for me too, especially given the way she's treated you in the past OP.

I'd be changing the locks, in case she either insists on holding on to the keys, or had copied made while you were away. I agree with pp who said she clearly views your home as an extension of her own so would probably have no qualms about ensuring easier access for future snooping organising.

TeachesOfPeaches · 28/07/2018 21:25

Sounds like she was snooping around and has had to do a deep clean so you wouldn't notice.

Branleuse · 28/07/2018 21:27

i think the positives would outweigh the negatives, but it would depend on our relationship

HeddaGarbled · 28/07/2018 21:28

I can see both sides here.

I think she was trying to do some lovely things for you both.

I would feel exactly the same as you.

I really really think that you need to let this go, on this occasion. If you say anything to her, she will feel like you’ve thrown her kindness back in her face. Your H won’t understand - she’s his mum and his barriers between him and her won’t be as high as yours.

You just need to take steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

angelikacpickles · 28/07/2018 21:28

YANBU. I would hate this. The plants would be ok but not the other stuff.

Londonmamabychance · 28/07/2018 21:30

I wish she was my MIL!

Understand some people who're more private may feel different though. I think your right to feel peed off depends on your general relationship w her, i.e. Would she know you wouldn't like her doing things like that, and is she in the habit of overstepping boundaries. I feel it was just the once, I'd totally let it go and see it as a lovely gesture.

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