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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel MIL crossed a line...

96 replies

Specky12 · 28/07/2018 20:29

Or was she just helpful?

DH and I are just back from 2 weeks abroad and MIL very kindly offered to feed our cats. While we were away she also replanted our flower pots as ours died due to heat, cleaned and tidied (even though I thought we had done that). She also went in my wardrobe and found our laundry basket and cleaned and ironed our dirty clothes. She didn't know that's where it was kept so must have gone upstairs and hunted... She also left chocolates and flowers around the house, including in our bedroom drawers. She changed our bed sheets for us and sorted my kitchen cupboards by labelling everything... I know she was being kind but I feel like my privacy has been invaded. I sound ungrateful, but I am quite private and hate the thought of her having gone through our house... DH says I am unreasonable and should thank her.

OP posts:

ineedaholidaynow · 28/07/2018 22:45

I would hate that. I am very private and would not like other people snooping in my cupboards.

What did she label in the kitchen?

redcaryellowcar · 29/07/2018 07:50

My MiL doesn't have a key for exactly this reason! When I met my DH she used to pop round to his flat to change his sheets etc, I thought it was a bit odd then. Now I wouldn't have her in our house alone, my mum will 'help' a bit, usually with me around but just does the kitchen and wipes surfaces and as a pp said, wouldn't be in cupboards, just the obvious bits- and downstairs.

qwerty2018 · 29/07/2018 07:53

Send her over to my house! It could do with a good clean

proudestofmums · 29/07/2018 08:47

If you do bring yourself to let her into your house when you’re away again what about (telling DH so he doesn’t get the wrong end of the stick!) a booklet on divorce in YOUR knicker drawer so it looks as though you’ve hidden it from DH!

I feel flattered that my DIL

Forevertired1 · 29/07/2018 08:50

A similar thing happened to us (twice, though the first time we had only just moved in), and yes, it very much felt like an invasion of privacy. We don't leave keys with them anymore.

charlestonchaplin · 29/07/2018 08:57

If you give someone free rein to your home you need to be aware that they may snoop, and most will not be upfront about it like your MIL.

Forevertired1 · 29/07/2018 09:00

I wanted to add that DH refused to say anything the first time because we were away for a couple of months rather than weeks, and so the PILs were very much doing us a favour by occasionally checking on the house... but that's probably why they felt it was acceptable the second time to vacuum, take our laundry to their house to clean and dry, etc even though we were only away for 2 weeks.

bsbabas · 29/07/2018 10:12

Mil goes through everything shes gonna be upset when she finds the whips and chains.

Original poster

Specky12 · 29/07/2018 10:12

Well to update, I called her this morning and thanked her for feeding the cats. I said the other bits weren't necessary but I understand she was trying to be thoughtful. She replied "I just wanted it to be nice for when [DH, her son] returned as she knows I am busy and don't have time for the niceties and little extras he deserves" I said I had to go as baby crying and put phone down as I didn't trust myself to continue the conversation. DH thinks it's funny and that I should just laugh at her eccentric and ridiculous ways, life is too short to stress etc....

OP posts:

bsbabas · 29/07/2018 10:13

Why does he deserve a maid is he royalty?

NordicNobody · 29/07/2018 10:44

Oh I see, it was a PA dig at you about the things you should be doing for your maaaaaan. Are you by any chance "too busy" on account of doing something utterly shameful like being a "career gal"? Putting the phone down and disengaging was the right choice. Put your home back home you like it and if she mentions the "little extra he deserves" again say "aw that's sweet, but don't forget that you deserve some little extras as well. If you want I can come over on Saturday and try to get the smell of damp out of your living room? Or take you shopping to buy some bedsheets that are a bit more... well... this century. Just because you're getting a bit older doesn't mean you need to live in a fusty dated house." All said with a sickly smile and a patronising head tilt. If she complains insist that you're only being kind and she should be grateful for your charming and eccentric ways.

AnnaMagnani · 29/07/2018 10:57

Oh well, then it was PA and I'd never let her pet sit again.

My DM did it for both of us and witters on at great length about DH being her favourite son-in-law - she only has the one

Your MIL apparently thinks you aren't up to scratch so your DH needs waiting on and your DH is too think to see it.

Emma765 · 29/07/2018 11:30

What about him not having the time to put chocolates in your drawers when it's what you deserve?! Nasty old bag.

I like my mil but she does often make comments about looking after her son. We were doing our house up (living elsewhere) and I mentioned he had been going straight to new house after work and hadn't been eating properly. She said that regardless of the condition of the house, even if they didn't have a kitchen she'd plug a slow cooker in and make sure her husband had a hot dinner. I said he was an adult perfectly capable of looking after himself and it wasn't my job to ensure he came home and ate. She wasn't happy about that.

SparkyTheCat · 29/07/2018 11:37

Sorry to mention this op, but are you 100% sure she hasn't had a copy key made?

MortyVicar · 29/07/2018 12:42

I don't believe the 'doing it for her son'. That's just her cover story. She wanted a good nosy and knew exactly what she was doing offering to feed the cats - two weeks of having the run of your house so she could poke about to her heart's delight.

Cattery when you go away again.

Petalflowers · 29/07/2018 13:10

Nice ‘thank you’ message from you. However, her response is priceless. I would be seething. It’s belittling and undermining.

You can have a nosey without all the tidying etc.

Rebecca36 · 29/07/2018 13:11

It's a difficult one, I wouldn't like anyone going through my things either. However she meant well and probably thought as you are all family, it was OK. Some people are just like that.

I wouldn't hurt her feelings by telling her off but perhaps next time you go away and she looks after the cats, you could make sure there aren't any other little jobs for her to do.

bringincrazyback · 29/07/2018 13:16

She replied "I just wanted it to be nice for when [DH, her son] returned as she knows I am busy and don't have time for the niceties and little extras he deserves"

OMFG! jaw drops

I'd struggle not to find this monumentally passive-aggressive and bitchy, especially in the context of how she's behaved in the past.

Unfortunately I can imagine my MIL saying something like that, she's never thought I take enough care of her 'boy'. rolls eyes But I'd be livid if she did this.

Aprilshowersinjuly · 29/07/2018 13:20

Text her you have found the number of a local cleaner and a prostitute. Since you haven't got time for sex every day or to mop your floors.
And tell her she can pop the cash weekly into her ds's bank.
And block her number.
Leave dh to deal with her.
And also reckon she now has a key for herself.

Treacletoots · 29/07/2018 13:25

Buy a big strap on. Leave it in the cupboards.

Next time see if it stays put.

In all honesty my MiL also does this and when I was pregnant I got very annoyed. However post pregnancy I've started to be very grateful for the fairy helper who makes my life just a bit, sorry lot easier by tidying up, walking our dog and leaving flowers and such. Ignore your MiLs obvious dig and see it as a bonus. It doesn't really matter why she did it.

JustHereForThePooStories · 29/07/2018 13:29

15 years ago, we arrived home from a holiday to find the ILs had done more with their spare key than just keep a distant eye on the place.

MIL had rearranged our wardrobe, ironed clothes, rearranged cutlery drawer, and dotted awful ornaments around.

I asked for our spare key back that very evening.

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