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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel MIL crossed a line...

96 replies

Specky12 · 28/07/2018 20:29

Or was she just helpful?

DH and I are just back from 2 weeks abroad and MIL very kindly offered to feed our cats. While we were away she also replanted our flower pots as ours died due to heat, cleaned and tidied (even though I thought we had done that). She also went in my wardrobe and found our laundry basket and cleaned and ironed our dirty clothes. She didn't know that's where it was kept so must have gone upstairs and hunted... She also left chocolates and flowers around the house, including in our bedroom drawers. She changed our bed sheets for us and sorted my kitchen cupboards by labelling everything... I know she was being kind but I feel like my privacy has been invaded. I sound ungrateful, but I am quite private and hate the thought of her having gone through our house... DH says I am unreasonable and should thank her.

OP posts:

mimibunz · 28/07/2018 21:31

Sounds like she had a good snoop and decided to cover her tracks by doing your laundry and labelling your stuff.

WindyWednesday · 28/07/2018 21:34

Sounds like she misses you and wants to help.

Deshasafraisy · 28/07/2018 21:35

Hmmmm I am both envious that your mil is so helpful and completely understand why you feel your privacy has been invaded. My mil doesn’t help us at all with a single thing - ever.
Can you talk to her? Say thank you so much but it was a bit much really and please, in future, just water the plants.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/07/2018 21:37

Sounds like she had a good snoop and decided to cover her tracks by doing your laundry and labelling your stuff

Snooping at what? To see if her DIL has some sex toys or such?

I highly doubt it. Sounds like she just wanted to help out but I don't think she should have gone in the OP's bedroom at all. That's just not right.

Crunchymum · 28/07/2018 21:38

My MIL has managed to get the kitchen sink so shiney that I had to ask for tips.

She also organised the kitchen when we moved in (I was 30w pregnant with DC2) and even now over three years later everything is where she put it.

She has also kindly done our washing over the years (we've has awful luck with our washing machines, have had 5 in 11 years ) but I've taken the dirty stuff to her and bunged it in the machine. I love MIL too much to have her handle my dirty grundies

PigletJohn · 28/07/2018 21:38

plenty of time to buy some bedroom locks before next time.

And a keysafe.

PositivelyPERF · 28/07/2018 21:44

I would be horrified if anyone invaded my privacy. I think you should wait until you hear from her. She MAY have been trying to help, or she may have been trying to imply that you’re a slattern. Her attitude to you after this should help with your response.

Billben · 28/07/2018 21:47

I’m with you OP. Whilst I have nothing to hide, I’m a very private person. I would have hated it if someone had done this in my house. That’s my only sanctuary.
And I totally agree with this A couples bedroom is out of bounds to anyone. I don’t even like using people’s en-suites when offered.
I’ve got a MIL like yours and as kind as she is, she is also very nosy. After using our upstairs toilet she always looks into every room before coming back down. With the noisy floorboards we have, I can actually hear her from downstairs walking to a room, stop for half a minute and then walking to another room. Gives me the rage but I keep quiet for DH’s sake.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/07/2018 21:53

What do you think she's looking at Billben? I can't believe how someone would be so rude to wander into their son and DILs rooms.

Could you get a lock and key for your bedroom?

IceCreamFace · 28/07/2018 21:55

YANBU. Unless she has form it does sound like she worked hard to be lovely but I'm quite protective of my privacy too and wouldn't like that either.

MrsAidanTurner · 28/07/2018 21:56

If my dm did this it would come from place of love..

If Mil did this, which she has it comes from place of.. We are useless, we can't clean like she can, I'm not a good wife.. We are filthy. So it depends where it came from from.. And go from there

petrolpump28 · 28/07/2018 21:59

aw what a shame

BigPinkBall · 28/07/2018 22:01

Me and DH stayed at PILs once as it was very close to my works Christmas party and we wanted to have a few drinks, I woke up the next morning, at 7am, to MIL hoovering around the bed we were sleeping in and picking up my dirty undies off the floor! Needless to say I’d never let her have a key to our house

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/07/2018 22:02

Has MIL said that you're filthy, useless etc MrsAidenTurner? Why would you think she'd be doing it because she thinks that?

FishingIsNotASport · 28/07/2018 22:02

I wouldn't dream of invading my daughter and son in law's privacy in such a way. I don't even do that in my DD room who still lives at home. Just wrong, and rude, and strange. Honestly I would be so annoyed. Get a lock for your room.

WillowDogs · 28/07/2018 22:05

YANBU I would find this very upsetting. I have the same thing when we go away and someone house sits. I'm very particular about my house and I find it really upsetting, house sitting is not a license to move my home round the way you want it.

NordicNobody · 28/07/2018 22:08

This sounds like something my MIL would do. She has a label maker and just lives to organise and label stuff. She even stores and labels her different labelling equipment. I personally find it funny and harmless and like to indulge her, but I can definitely understand why you would find it intrusive and line crossing. I also wouldn't have liked someone else doing my laundry or leaving chocolates in my drawers, like my house is a hotel. YANBU, but (unless there's a back story where she has form for passive aggressive/ controlling behaviour) I'd raise it gently in a "that was very thoughtful but..." sort of way that acknowledges it came from a place of kindness.

Tistheseason17 · 28/07/2018 22:14

She has overstepped.
Some nice stuff but then invasion of privacy.

Ilovemypantry · 28/07/2018 22:20

Surely if your MIL wanted to have a nose around she could have done it without going to all the effort of doing the washing and ironing.

Bluetrews25 · 28/07/2018 22:21

Massively overstepped the line. A burglar or stalker would rummage around as much as that and we would feel violated, why should we be grateful just because it was a relative? You did not ask for it to be done, or consent to it, or have any idea that it was going to happen.

How would she like it if you did the same to her personal space?
Never let her have keys and unsupervised access again. What would you come home to next time?

Petalflowers · 28/07/2018 22:24

Definitely overstepped the boundary. Feeding the cats - good, flower pots -okay. The rest, wrong.

I had my mum staying with me once, post an op. She decided to tidy the under sink cupboard, which didn’t need doing, and re-arranged it. However, things we use regularly she put towards the back, and things we don’t use nearer the front. I had to re-rearrange it! The ironic thing is her house is a right mess and full of clutter!

LilQueenie · 28/07/2018 22:25

I wouldn't be happy with anyone doing this. Even more so if they were not very nice to me then left chocolates around like a bloody hotel. Is it possible she is trying to make amends? (Apology and communication would be better I would have thought. ) either that she is planning to ask a favour or something and trying to butter you up.

Maelstrop · 28/07/2018 22:27

Given her telling you she’ll never babysit etc and the name calling prior to this, I’d say this did not come from a good place and she has overstepped to rummage round and find laundry. Putting chocolate in bedside drawers, wtaf?! Did it not melt? Why did she just not water the plants if she was feeding the cats presumably daily? Weird.

NordicNobody · 28/07/2018 22:41

Yes, ignore my earlier comment. I missed your update about her calling you fat and stuff and now agree with 👆

Italiangreyhound · 28/07/2018 22:42

That's totally over the top and invasive of your privacy. YADNBU. If you husband wants to thank her, he can go ahead but I am afraid she would not be feeding my cats again.

"regularly calling me fat amd other names (am size 12)" I am afraid I would have to ask her to stop and would not talk to her if she carried on.

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