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Original poster

Cousin demanding we all lie to her step children

96 replies

SharronNeedles · 28/07/2018 09:51

My cousin is gay, she and her fiance have been together for around 18 months or so. Her fiance has 4 children aged between 6-13 I think (never met them). Cousin is always posting on SM and telling anyone who will listen about her amazing family is fiance and kids. She refers to herself as mummy2. However, the children apparently don't know that she is in an intimate relationship with their mum. Theyve told them that cousin is just a friend who now lives in the house (she has her own bedroom). They never kiss or hold hands around the kids and if you saw them out together, you'd never know that cousin and fiance were together.
She is having a huge 'pre-wedding' party and invited us all to come. The reason for the party is so all our family can meet the kids as they aren't coming to to wedding and apparently don't know that they are getting married. At the party we've all been told that we cannot let the kids know that cousin and fiance are together. We can't mention the wedding. We can't mention anything.
Firstly, the kids are going to know surely? Secondly, you can't police and entire room who are gathered to celebrate a specific event and not let them mention said event, can you?
Thirdly, why on earth would the kids need to get to know their mum's 'friend's family? From their POV, what happens if one of them asks me why I'm there?
If someone tells me not to say something, it's all I can think about saying and I know I'll accidentally put my foot in it.
I don't really want to go to the party but cousin has said anyone who doesn't come, can't come to the wedding and shell happily cause a family feud. We have some very old, very poorly grandparents and it would really upset them if the family weren't getting on so I feel like I have to go.
Help!

OP posts:
Reaa · 28/07/2018 09:55

But the kids will be heart broken when they find out down the line, they were not invited to their own mothers wedding!

Maelstrop · 28/07/2018 09:55

Kids aren’t thick and must have caught on by now. Are they proposing to love the lie even once married and keep separate rooms/keep lying? Crazy!

OwlinaTree · 28/07/2018 09:59

Eh? The mum is getting married and doesn't want the children to know? Is she still married to someone else?

HollowTalk · 28/07/2018 10:01

She sounds unhinged, tbh.

MrsJayy · 28/07/2018 10:03

So the children don't know their mum has a girlfriend and getting married to a woman where do these kids live MARS Confused this is ridiculous and I would take no part in it.

funnylittlefloozie · 28/07/2018 10:04

If she thinks a 13 year old doesnt know that they are in a relationship, she is deluding herself. Its utterly bonkers doublethink to say, we are having a wedding party but noone must mention the wedding! Out of mischief or by accident, someone will let on (in my family, some clown would turn up with Mrs & Mrs helium balloons tied on a present or something).

parteeesss · 28/07/2018 10:04

Poor kids. How on earth do they think that this will never come out at some point in the future? This kids are going to be traumatised by the secrecy. Far more than they will be by being told the truth.

I'd have a conversation with your gp's and be guided by what they say. They'll probably side with you op and say that the possible rift is worth the not lying. If you all back each other up, then the bride may realise the idiocy of the situation.

InfiniteCurve · 28/07/2018 10:05

That is completely ridiculous - and a recipe for disaster surely.
Either the children already know,they are not babies and it's pretty likely that at least one of them has caught on,or they are genuinely in the dark.Either way at some point they find out that their Mum and Mum's new partner have been systematically lying to them about something big - how's that ever going to end well?
Not sure what you should do though,OP.

Also your cousin referring to herself as mummy2 when ostensibly the children just think she is a lodger is odd....Hmm

TheQueef · 28/07/2018 10:06

Fuck that.

It sounds like a week long DrPhil special. Don't attend if you are expected to lie.

AveABanana · 28/07/2018 10:07

So these kids are going to their mother's engagement party, except no one's told them yet? Well that's going to go so well, isn't it.

Anxious2niteaaah · 28/07/2018 10:08

This is odd...is your cousin's "fiance" afraid her family and especially her kids will find out she is now bisexual/lesbian?

I can't see why she can't tell her kids?..if she is embarrassed/ashamed etc for her kids to find out she is marrying your cousin, then your cousin shouldn't marry her, she is asking your cousin and your whole family to lie for a lifetime...it's weird ...could she still be married to her kids father ?...is there any way to do a background check online to find out if she is?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 28/07/2018 10:11

What a ridiculous game that mother is playing. Seriously.

And why is your cousin marrying someone who feels unable to introduce her honestly to the most important people on her life?

dinosaurkisses · 28/07/2018 10:12

Instead of a wedding gift I’d be offering to put some cash towards the private counselling that those kids will need in young adulthood.

ElenOfTheWays · 28/07/2018 10:12

I don't know about anyone else, but I wouldn't want to marry anyone who was ashamed of loving me, ashamed of themselves and who they are. Can you speak to your cousin, are you close enough for that? This relationship doesn't sound at all healthy. She needs to get out. She's being coeced into living a lie and it will get to her in the end. No one needs this.

She's bullying you into lying too. She's clearly under pressure to do this but that doesn't mean you need to allow it.
Family feud? Really?
You need to talk to her and explain you are worried about the situation. You are not good at lying and why should you be?
Whatever happens, this won't end well. Especially for those kids.

Original poster
SharronNeedles · 28/07/2018 10:12

My cousin is strange. She was sexually abused as a child and never gotten over it I would say. My aunt blames that for her 'gayness' (whole different thread). She is desperate to have a family, always has been so I don't know if she's just latched on to this idea so much. It's the fiance who doesn't want the kids to know, apparently it'll confuse them. We only just found this out very recently so we're all a bit confused too.
My GPs don't agree with cousin being gay full stop, but they're 'willing' to accept this to keep the family together. So they definitely wouldn't be on board with me not going. More like, stay quiet and smile, type people. (They're 90yo so no changing them now!)

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 28/07/2018 10:13

If she wasn't getting married I could go along with it....knowing kids aren't stupid and will have worked it out, but will feel unable to ever talk about it.

But with a wedding? I just couldn't go. I'd be the one to blurt it out to the kids.
Someone will put their foot in it sooner or later, and it's better coming from their own mother than anyone else.

They're not doing anything immoral or illegal so they really need to get over themselves.

ElenOfTheWays · 28/07/2018 10:15

Slow typing. Cross posted with about 6 people lol

GravyMilkshake · 28/07/2018 10:15

Ludicrous.

Original poster
SharronNeedles · 28/07/2018 10:16

Not that close to my cousin to have that chat I'm afraid. Her mum wouldn't do it either so can't even get my mum to speak to hers.
The kids father is definitely out of the picture. He's married to someone else with children. Fiance cut him off from the children. I've only got half a story on that so won't go into it too much

OP posts:
LucyLou49 · 28/07/2018 10:21

What a horrible thing to do to the children.

Presumably their Mum has invited her family as well, surely they won't go along with it?

WhendoIgetadayoff · 28/07/2018 10:21

What Elen said. If she can’t tell her children she’s not being honest about her feelings and her relationship she shouldn’t be in it never mind getting married.
Don’t take any part in lying about a relationship or to children. What a nonsense. You can’t have a wedding and keep your marriage a secret.

Ractify · 28/07/2018 10:22

I wouldn't be complicit in a lie that will devastate the children and impact their entire lives. It is unconscionable.

ElenOfTheWays · 28/07/2018 10:23

Ah ok. I see. Well you (and not just you) are being railroaded by woman you don't even really know into an impossible situation. Can't you step back diplomatically for now? Being too ill to go perhaps?
That way you aren't openly registering your disapproval, but getting out of the situation.

Sorry don't know what else to suggest. I hope your cousin has a good friend to help her pick up the pieces when this all goes wrong.

Original poster
SharronNeedles · 28/07/2018 10:24

She doesn't have much of a family, from what I've heard she only has her mum who will do whatever she's asked.

OP posts:
ScrubTheDecks · 28/07/2018 10:24

If they think a 13 yo won’t pick this up on social media they are on another planet.

They are actually planning to marry without telling the kids or, presumably, inviting them?

Why didn’t they just shut up about the wedding to everyone and do it completely secretly? Telling loads but not the kids: madness.

However It is not really your problem. You’ve been invited to a party, so go, just be ‘pleased to meet everyone’ ‘my cousin invited us, they are havjng a party, isn’t the buffet fab, do you live locally?’ ’. Que sera sera.

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