Cousin demanding we all lie to her step children

[SharronNeedles]

My cousin is gay, she and her fiance have been together for around 18 months or so. Her fiance has 4 children aged between 6-13 I think (never met them). Cousin is always posting on SM and telling anyone who will listen about her amazing family is fiance and kids. She refers to herself as mummy2. However, the children apparently don't know that she is in an intimate relationship with their mum. Theyve told them that cousin is just a friend who now lives in the house (she has her own bedroom). They never kiss or hold hands around the kids and if you saw them out together, you'd never know that cousin and fiance were together.
She is having a huge 'pre-wedding' party and invited us all to come. The reason for the party is so all our family can meet the kids as they aren't coming to to wedding and apparently don't know that they are getting married. At the party we've all been told that we cannot let the kids know that cousin and fiance are together. We can't mention the wedding. We can't mention anything.
Firstly, the kids are going to know surely? Secondly, you can't police and entire room who are gathered to celebrate a specific event and not let them mention said event, can you?
Thirdly, why on earth would the kids need to get to know their mum's 'friend's family? From their POV, what happens if one of them asks me why I'm there?
If someone tells me not to say something, it's all I can think about saying and I know I'll accidentally put my foot in it.
I don't really want to go to the party but cousin has said anyone who doesn't come, can't come to the wedding and shell happily cause a family feud. We have some very old, very poorly grandparents and it would really upset them if the family weren't getting on so I feel like I have to go.
Help!

How will the fiance explain to the DC why she is holding a party for the lodger's whole family? Nobody does that.

I think I would say "out of curiosity how are you both going to talk to the children about being open and honest discussing feelings and problems when your both hiding a whopping great big lie which will come out at some point and when it does will be thrown back in your face probably as one of them is at a very big crisis in their life?"

It doesn't sound like either of them are ready to be married to be honest.

The mum really needs to be talking to her kids about the situation. However, there's not a lot you can do about it. Personally, I think I'd avoid the party or go and just keep quiet. Not really your problem.

My cousin is strange. She was sexually abused as a child and never gotten over it I would say.

I was sympathetic until you put these two sentences together . Sympathies still with the kids of course.

I just wouldn't go, and tell them why.

To the wedding I mean. Sod that.

Sod the supposed family feud. This is batshit. The whole thing is bound to blow up spectacularly at some point in the near future, and I wouldn't want to be there to witness the ugly aftermath.

As a teen I caught my dm in a compromising position with her gf. All I wanted was a happy dm but an honest one would have made things more acceptable.
Your cousin is playing roulette with her dc's relationships.
I would have d&v that day and stay home.

If you are not that close just don't go it sounds a disaster waiting to happen the cousin wants to play mummy to kids that don't actually know she is step mum the mum doesn't want them to know, bugger being involved in that palava

No one is the boss of you so they can’t force you to attend this sham. It’s a car crash and to be getting married within 18 months while lying to the DC would be laughable if there weren’t innocent children involved.

No way would I attend and be part of that lie.

What a hot mess. Marrying within 18 months and not every member of the ‘family’ knows what’s going on. That’s unacceptable and certainly damaging for the children. I can never and will never understand people who are not honest with others, especially children. Reminds me of the other thread about parents/families not being open with their kids, with people commenting how it affected them. It’s really damaging.

Just tell them. F**k it!

where are all four kids going to be when the wedding's taking place?

Naice in LaLaLand with their mother? Poor bloody kids.

Just from a practical point of view -

Presumably the children live with your cousin and their mum so post wedding neither can change their name (may not be a big deal) or be officially known as Mrs and Mrs X in case the children ever see a letter addressed in this way.

No one can send joint Christmas cards or anniversary cards because why would you send a Xmas card to "Sue, lodger and family?"

In an emergency neither wife could openly be NOK? Presumably more relevant for the birth mother because your cousin might then be in the position of explaining to the children on her own.

Can they never share a bed or sleep together if the children live with them?

This is a secret that has no chance of being kept. Someone one day will let the cat out of the bag.

It's batshit.

But I don't think you can do anything about it. if you go to the party, I wouid fall,in with the request not to mention anything during that event.

I would however tell my cousin that refraining from bringing up the subject was as far as I wouid go, and if asked a question by someone who deserves the truth, they will get the truth (as far as I knew it). And generally that the situation is untenable, and she needs to be putting it straight asap.

That is ridiculously unfair on the children.
I'd find it incredibly hard to go along with the facade as well - and I'd also probably stay away.
I think your cousin's fiancé needs a kick up the arse and a reality check - her children need to know the TRUTH.

Christ, I hadn't actually thought that far ahead! I have no idea what the dynamics in their home is like so I have no idea who sleeps where (cousin has her own room but I don't know if she sleeps in there).
I really can't upset my grandparents. They have always been such a huge part of my life especially after my accident so I can't risk that happening.
I'm just going to have to go. If I accidently say something though, she'll never speak to me again and that'll cause a rift in itself. Argh!

I was sympathetic until you put these two sentences together .
Sorry.

Naice the kids will be in school. They're getting married on a Monday.

Someone is bound to say "are you looking forward to the wedding" to either one of the children or in ear shot of one of the children.

This is a disaster waiting to happen.

How on earth can people get married when they cant even admit to being together

And those poor kids. What if one of them is gay? Is this really the message you want to send to the children? That being hay is something to be ashamed of?

If they can't even be honest with them children who live with them then they sure as hell aren't ready to be married

I have two yes TWO secret lesbian relationships in my family.
In this day and age it’s ridiculous

Both claim that they are just best friends who live together
The 90 yr old I can understand in a way but the 60 and 55 yr old are beyond ridiculous

A friend of mine's mum got married to another woman. The wedding was kept secret from the kids, although they were aware of the relationship. My friend was about 23. She hates the mum's wife and was devastated when she found out they had got married. This is not a good thing to do or be supportive of.