Cousin demanding we all lie to her step children

[SharronNeedles]

My cousin is gay, she and her fiance have been together for around 18 months or so. Her fiance has 4 children aged between 6-13 I think (never met them). Cousin is always posting on SM and telling anyone who will listen about her amazing family is fiance and kids. She refers to herself as mummy2. However, the children apparently don't know that she is in an intimate relationship with their mum. Theyve told them that cousin is just a friend who now lives in the house (she has her own bedroom). They never kiss or hold hands around the kids and if you saw them out together, you'd never know that cousin and fiance were together.
She is having a huge 'pre-wedding' party and invited us all to come. The reason for the party is so all our family can meet the kids as they aren't coming to to wedding and apparently don't know that they are getting married. At the party we've all been told that we cannot let the kids know that cousin and fiance are together. We can't mention the wedding. We can't mention anything.
Firstly, the kids are going to know surely? Secondly, you can't police and entire room who are gathered to celebrate a specific event and not let them mention said event, can you?
Thirdly, why on earth would the kids need to get to know their mum's 'friend's family? From their POV, what happens if one of them asks me why I'm there?
If someone tells me not to say something, it's all I can think about saying and I know I'll accidentally put my foot in it.
I don't really want to go to the party but cousin has said anyone who doesn't come, can't come to the wedding and shell happily cause a family feud. We have some very old, very poorly grandparents and it would really upset them if the family weren't getting on so I feel like I have to go.
Help!

I would apologise to grandparents and say "I'm sorry if it will upset you but I am not going to this party/wedding". End of.

Otherwise your attendance shows willingness to comply with the demands being made and you will have to shut up and get on with it.

Of course the older ones have an inkling of what's going on, and of course someone will slip up at the party! Then the kids will be upset and hurt that a) they've been kept in the dark and b) they won't be going to the wedding....I assume that's being kept a secret from them also?!
Best to be upfront about the whole thing now, in an age appropriate manner, get it over with and let the kids get used to it!

As someone who's Mum entered a relationship with a "friend" and wasn't upfront about it when I was 13, trust me I knew.

They are handling this in the worst possible way. Why the urgency to get married if they're still going to have to keep their relationship secret? I understand (kind of) taking things slowly and introducing your cousin at first as a friend to the children (kind of), but having a secret wedding is literally the opposite of being discreet.

Someone is going to tell the 13 year old at school and the fall out will be horrific.

Don't go, email or text your cousin why. It is your business when you are specifically being asked to lie.

If my mum got married without telling me, I'd be gutted and I'm in my 30's. Imagine the impact on younger minds.

This is the most ridiculous thing ever. Are you sure that the fiancee knows that she's a fiancee and that it's not all in your cousin's head?

So they want legal recognition of their relationship. And this trumps family recognition... the woman's own kids!

This dishonesty will implode eventually and of course, they're setting the children up for total hurt and confusion.

Weak. Really weak. What a foundation to build a marriage on.
I couldn't, out of principle, take part.

Is your cousin a confident person?

Reading (possibly too much) in between the lines here, but I get the impression there's a power imbalance between your cousin and this woman.

As pp have said, everyone deserves to be with someone who isn't ashamed, and is willing to live a full honest live with them. Your cousin is essentially agreeing to closet herself. I'd be wary on her behalf here, especially considering her traumatic past.

*life!

I would probably go along with it. I don't agree with them not telling the kids but I don't think it is for you to tell them. I wouldn't consider it lying to attend a party and not mention an upcoming event.

Having said that if you are not comfortable going, don't. It is extremely unpleasant to try to twist people's arms into attending this party by threatening to not to invite them to the wedding. Just say you can't make it and if you don't get invited to the wedding, that is her choice.

A disaster waiting to happen.
They're going to have some explaining to do when the children eventually find out. Which they will.

I just wouldn't go.
You could always come down with diarrhoea suddenly.

Whooweee they have Ishoooos bigger than the Grand Canyon - are they deranged?

Of course the 13 year old will have noticed, body language is almost impossible to disguise 24/7 and then there's social media - or will they impose a blackout? Block everyone's wifi for ever?

This is going to blow up BIG style. No advice sorry Op but I definitely agree with the PP who said:
I think I would say "out of curiosity how are you both going to talk to the children about being open and honest discussing feelings and problems when your both hiding a whopping great big lie which will come out at some point and when it does will be thrown back in your face probably as one of them is at a very big crisis in their life?"

My aunt is a lesbian, she doesn’t live near us and never told us but even at a very young age me and my brother knew and even said to my Dad once “is Aunt x a lesbian?” and he said he assumed so but no one had ever mentioned it. As far as my mum was concerned she’d just had a few female flat mates but just wasn’t interested in romance and she’d assumed she was A-sexual, she was really shocked when she eventually came out in her 60s.

As she was an aunt and we didn’t live close and only really saw her once a year at Christmas me and my brother just thought it was a bit funny that she was keeping her life under wraps, but it didn’t affect us other than we would have known her better if she hadn’t been so secretive, but had she been our mother we would have been devastated, mainly because it gives the impression that she thinks the children will think that there’s something wrong with being gay and that they’re homophobes, which is an awful assumption for a mother to have of their child.

Poor kids. I think the mother will be lucky if they have a reasonable relationship with her when they are older. They'll grow up thinking "if she lied about this, what else did she lie about?".

I wouldn't lie, and I wouldn't go to the party. And if the 13 year old doesn't yet know, it's only a matter of time.

This has disaster written aaaaalllll over it.

My Dad had 'friends' that would come round and stay the night when I was 12, of course I knew they were his girlfriends.

I'm sure at least the eldest at the least suspects what this relationship really is.

How are those poor children going to feel when they find out? None of the adults around them were honest or put what was best for them first, all so that their Mum wouldn't cause a feud. Those children are going to be so messed up and have serious trust issues growing up. Not one person is thinking of them.

Believe me, we are thinking of the children. But as I have never met them before, neither has most of the family, we can't exactly tell them what's going on. I don't feel it's my place to!

I wouldn't go to any of it. This is a disaster waiting to happen.
Those poor kids

This is ridiculous & being dishonest to the children will be hurtful and confusing. How sad

I wouldn't go.

This sounds like a huge drama. If i was close to the cousin i would tell her that im concerned about the situation, the othet poster is correct she is clositing herself. If i wasnt close to her i wouldnt attend or come for an hour to collect an elderly relative.

Your troubled family member has attracted someone with their own issues and it has made for a dysfunctional union, with children at its unfortunate centre. You and the rest of the family have a choice here, no one says you should tell the children but you do have decide if you’re going to be complicit in the lie by attending.