Cousin demanding we all lie to her step children

[SharronNeedles]

My cousin is gay, she and her fiance have been together for around 18 months or so. Her fiance has 4 children aged between 6-13 I think (never met them). Cousin is always posting on SM and telling anyone who will listen about her amazing family is fiance and kids. She refers to herself as mummy2. However, the children apparently don't know that she is in an intimate relationship with their mum. Theyve told them that cousin is just a friend who now lives in the house (she has her own bedroom). They never kiss or hold hands around the kids and if you saw them out together, you'd never know that cousin and fiance were together.
She is having a huge 'pre-wedding' party and invited us all to come. The reason for the party is so all our family can meet the kids as they aren't coming to to wedding and apparently don't know that they are getting married. At the party we've all been told that we cannot let the kids know that cousin and fiance are together. We can't mention the wedding. We can't mention anything.
Firstly, the kids are going to know surely? Secondly, you can't police and entire room who are gathered to celebrate a specific event and not let them mention said event, can you?
Thirdly, why on earth would the kids need to get to know their mum's 'friend's family? From their POV, what happens if one of them asks me why I'm there?
If someone tells me not to say something, it's all I can think about saying and I know I'll accidentally put my foot in it.
I don't really want to go to the party but cousin has said anyone who doesn't come, can't come to the wedding and shell happily cause a family feud. We have some very old, very poorly grandparents and it would really upset them if the family weren't getting on so I feel like I have to go.
Help!

Shocking. Poor children. My mother, aged 6, found out that her father had left her mother for another woman from kids at school ragging her about it. She'd been told he was working in London. She was mortified and 'everyone knew except me'. This is a wicked and stupid thing to do to your children, they should both be ashamed of themselves.

You say your cousin has never 'gotten over' childhood sexual abuse - as someone who has been in that unfortunate position, it's not really something one can get over, it's not like failing a driving test or not getting the job of your dreams. Her emotions and responses are possibly all mixed up with what happened to her, which may be why she's going along with her partner's daft idea of keeping their relationship secret.

She deserves to be with someone who adores her, is proud of her, and will be honoured to introduce her to her children as her future wife - not some grubby little secret, pretending to be a lodger.

You say you're not close to your cousin, which is a shame, because I would advise she seeks counselling to address childhood issues and cancels this fiasco of a wedding.

Are you sure the party is actually a ‘pre-wedding party’? Are you sure there is a wedding planned at all?

Surely they are going to have to tell the kids they are married at some point?! Imagine how they are going to feel when they find out they’ve been lied too and that other people knew.

The whole situation sounds completely odd

I think anyone going to this wedding or the meeting party must be mad.
i don't care who didn't agree out of principle I wouldn't be going.
what a farce and a shame for those kids.
it's not up to you to keep the peace in the family, you should do what you think is right.

This marriage will be a very short one.

Emma that is sort of what I meant! I'm really sorry, reading back that does sound insensitive. What I meant was, she was always 'normal' as a child, then the abuse happened and she retreated into herself and then sort of exploded out and became this very showy, attention seeking person who always has a way of killing a conversation and is now just generally strange with the things she does and says. I know she will never 'get over' abuse in that respect, basically she always says she's 'over that', 'moved on stayed strong' etc but I believe it had a bigger impact on who she is than she will ever admit.

They both sound so caught up in their own worlds that they cannot see how their behaviour will affect the children they claim to love. This is a huge betrayal to their children and it sounds like that they are both intent on continuing the cycle of dysfunctional childhoods.

Don’t be complicit in this farce.

Ugh - secrets and lies. It’ll harm the children and lead to misery. Awful idea.

I wouldn’t go, regardless of what the grandparents think or whatever. I wouldn’t be able to shake the sense of complicity and I would be ashamed of helping them to pull the wool over those children’s eyes.

Come on OP, surely you can’t really participate in this? I understand you’re under pressure to play along, but it’s awful.

Good grief, children are usually so accepting, so I would have thought better to be open with them now, while thy are really of an age to accept this relationship than try to keep it quiet and them find out when they are older. Apart from them possibly being less open, they will have great resentment for the years of deception by then. So sad.

I see what you say about having no choice though. I would struggle as you are but probably go along with it.

I can't believe everybody going to this party is prepared to go along with this batshit idea. Surely there are others with similar concerns as you OP? Presumably there will be alcohol at this party? What happens if someone has a few too many and lets something slip?

And I agree the 13 year old, unless they are spectacularly slow on the uptake, will definitely know what's going on.

This is so not going to end well...

Tbh, I wouldn't go to the party and would take the risk of the feud. But the whole situation is utterly bonkers.

I'd sign them up for the JK show. The shit storm that will come after the kids find out will be huge.

W here is the da d in all this are they not on the scene ?

I'd say i can't go as too worried I'd slip up and say the wrong thing. I'd also not be fussed about not attending a wedding like that.

Soo theyare going to be wife &wife stay in the same house for however long this farce lasts and nevertell the children ever ?

There are some very nasty bugs going around...

I think I would make a health excuse on the day for not going. Your cousin and her fiancee are doing the wrong thing by the children, and by the guests with the threat of a family feud for non attendance. I would not be bullied into complicity in something I disagreed with. But I appreciate your elderly GPs don't need the stress, so I'd make an excuse and apologise for not being able to attend rather than make any judgemental stand on it.

Fiance cut him off from the children. I've only got half a story on that so won't go into it too much.

Presumably the kids live with their Mum then.
How do they hide their relationship?

What about people getting a bit drunk at this party and forgetting their mouths and coming out with loud 'congrats' and 'good luck' etc. Kids are going to wonder why the congrats etc

Everyone will do funny John Cleese walks and sotto voce plays on don’t mention the war. The kids will totally get it.

How are they gonna hide all the congrats on your wedding cards etc? Or will they tell people not to send them?

Will they have a honeymoon? How will they explain that to the kids?

Do they have no joint finances, bills etc?

What about intimacy? Do they wait until the kids arent there? What happens if they were caught.

Will she go to parents evening? or have no parental duties towards the children?

So many questions.

That’s madness. The children need to be told. This plan is really cruel. As for Mummy2. Wow! What a mess.

That is awful, why would she not handle it properly? Poor children

Well this is messed up. Poor kids