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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to change back to my maiden name when I'm happily married?

97 replies

namechangers · 27/07/2018 19:02

Just wondering what people's opinions are on this, especially if any of you have done it.

For background, I have been with DH over 14 years and married for 7. I wasn't sure about taking his name when we got married but he didn't want to take mine and as it would mean a lot to him I did change it. We now have children who have his name and we are all very happy.

The problem is I feel so sad with my name, I don't identify at all with his surname and I wish that I had never changed it. I still use my madien name for a couple of non legal things which I like. I really want to change it legally but I think it would upset him and would annoy his family (who I'm not close with). I wouldn't mind if my parents had different names and our children are too small to understand this now.

So aibu? Would you do it or just live with it? Thanks for reading this far!

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/07/2018 19:07

I think - given that you've changed it and now given it to your children - I'd try and bond with the new name and make it feel like yours.

That said; if you really want to change it back, it's your name.

DieAntword · 27/07/2018 19:10

As compromise position how would you feel about double barrelling it?

SoupDragon · 27/07/2018 19:10

Can you double barrel the two names?

DieAntword · 27/07/2018 19:11

Or just sign everything (neé) maiden name

Ginkypig · 27/07/2018 19:11

It's entirely up to you what you call yourself.

That said it's established now and your children have your married name so it might be a total ball ache to get everyone back to calling you your original surname.
In your position I don't think I could be arsed.

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 27/07/2018 19:12

I've considered this. I prefer my old name, easier to pronounce and spell and my dad is a bit of a hero to me so I liked that connection with him (small community where names are important)

But I feel like it's too much of a statement to go back. My husband wouldn't like it and his very traditional parents would be upset.
And my dad would think I'm nuts Grin

So I'm not doing it.

Angrybird345 · 27/07/2018 19:13

Sorry but it is just a name! Are there underlying issues in your relationship?

Shitonthebloodything · 27/07/2018 19:13

If you only really use it for legal documents etc and mostly use your maiden name I think it's fine as it is. I don't think it's worth upsetting your DH and having to explain it to everyone. Is the new name terrible?

Haworthia · 27/07/2018 19:14

If you want to change back, change back. Is your husband ok with it?

I kept my name and our children have my husband’s name. I didn’t feel like double barrelling. Children aren’t remotely bothered that my surname is different (they have it as a second middle name).

Be prepared for disapproval from family though. My mum still sends me birthday cards to Mrs Hisname and it’s been nearly 8 years.

WarPigeon · 27/07/2018 19:15

Would you accept a husband saying he didn’t want you to take his surname, or would you be offended?

SoupDragon · 27/07/2018 19:15

Sorry but it is just a name!

And she doesn’t particularly like it.

Original poster
namechangers · 27/07/2018 19:16

It's not that the name is terrible it's just that it doesn't feel like mine. I come from a big family and I don't want to lose my connection to them. I am also not at all close with in laws and am pretty left out by them. So I don't feel a part of their family at all and I don't want to have their name if that makes sense.
Maybe I should just try to like it

OP posts:
juneau · 27/07/2018 19:16

I still miss (and identify) with my maiden name too OP. I've been married for 13 years and I still wish I'd never changed it. My married name is perfectly nice, easy to spell and pronounce and our kids have it and I don't want to have a different name from them, particularly as I do sometimes travel alone with them, so I'm keeping it. But I'd change back in a heartbeat if I had reason to.

Sciurus83 · 27/07/2018 19:17

Double barrel. I think you have gone quite far down the route now to just completely change back. I wish in general women didn't feel so much pressure to change their names upon marriage

Iggi999 · 27/07/2018 19:18

Since you don’t “legally” change to his name, do you need to do a thing to actually change back? I’m happily married with kids who have dh’s name, I didn’t change mine so I don’t see wanting a different (your own!) name as a sign that anything is wrong between you. The fact it meant a lot to you husband is concerning though. Not sure why he should get the deciding vote on your identity.

Original poster
namechangers · 27/07/2018 19:18

Juneau that's just how I feel! It makes me sad to think of regretting this the rest of my life!

OP posts:
pallisers · 27/07/2018 19:20

just start using your own name again. You tried your husband's, it doesn't feel right, end of story. Your husband may be a little upset (although that seems downright weird to me - would he really think you are less of a loving wife because you use your own name?) but at the moment you are upset - why does his potentional upset beat yours?

Wouldn't even think about the in laws. Don't tell them. Why would they need to know?

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 27/07/2018 19:20

I understand how you feel, I naively changed my name to my husbands upon marriage as I thought that is just what women do, (many years ago when I was very young!)I briefly toyed with the idea of double-barrelling it but stupidly listened to everyone else saying it was far too long. I really regret it, it was a lovely unusual surname which has now completely died out in my family Sad . As for your DH being upset, what about you? It’s always the man who’s feelings are bruised no one ever worries about how the woman feels about loosing her name Hmm could you all double-barrel perhaps? As for legally changing your surname I’m sure I read somewhere that your maiden name is still legally your name? Though don’t quote me on that I’m sure someone with more knowledge will come along. In summary though if it’s making you unhappy revert back to your name, or use it in a professional capacity?

AJPTaylor · 27/07/2018 19:22

i kept my maiden name as a middle name. glad i did.

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 27/07/2018 19:22

I wondered how long it would take for someone to suggest there was something wrong with your relationship, Jesus.

Original poster
namechangers · 27/07/2018 19:24

I'm not a fan of double barreling so that's not an option.
I think DH is worried about what other people will think and he knows that his traditional family will be upset (although they would have been upset if I had never changed my name!)
I asked my bank about it and they would require a deed poll as we are not divorced.
I don't like the idea of legally being married name and sometimes madien name.
I feel tied to this name and the family and I don't want to be

OP posts:
ListsWonderfulLists · 27/07/2018 19:25

I did this! I changed my name when I got married 12 years ago but just for home stuff, i.e. doctor, dentist, council tax etc. Kept my maiden name for work. However, I never got used to it - it just never felt like me. I hadn't particularly wanted to change it in the first place but kind of felt like I had to. Having my second child really finished me off as I kept being called by my married name at appointments and would forget it was me! Also, I hated being Mrs. So about a year ago I just swapped everything back. I never changed my driving licence or bank account in the first place so it wasn't too much hassle although the people who do the electoral roll were rather confused! :D My husband was very supportive though which made things easier. He said he should have never have asked me to change my name in the first place. I don't think I've actually told my inlaws as it doesn't really affect them. I'm not going to get in a strop if I get a Xmas card addressed to my married name. It's more day-to-day life that was important to me.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 27/07/2018 19:25

I feel exactly the same way you do OP. Exactly.

I changed my name in a flurry after the wedding and have regretted it ever since. I never intended to, I got totally caught up in the whirlwind of romance I think. Our kids have double barrelled names but I don’t want that, I just want mine back!

DidimusStench · 27/07/2018 19:26

I could’ve written this OP.

I had to think long and hard about changing my name when I got married and decided that I would in the end because it was important to DH and it wasn’t as important to me to not do it at the time but afterwards I felt like I’d lost a chunk of identity and still do. My maiden name is unusual, there aren’t very many of us about which is probably partly why.

As a compromise, I have given my children my maiden name as a middle name and academically and professionally, I’ve kept my maiden name. Everything else, day to day life and anything to do with the children is my married name.

I don’t think I’d go the full hog and change it back completely. That would be an utter ball ache!

As to why it was important to my DH for me to take his name, I’m not entirely sure. He comes from a family where it’s patriarchy to the max and I think that’s left some really deep rooted seeds in adulthood. That’s been changing over the years though, bit by bit Grin

ohnothanks · 27/07/2018 19:29

See now I personally think changing names to match partner's is proper weird. Why would one person assume another's name?

However a name isn't a sign of allegiance. Are you/ were you close to your mum?? If so how comes you are not changing your name to her maiden name?

Project this into the future and imagine you have straight female children who marry. Thy will either keep your DH's surname or their new husband's surname. It does my head in. I think families with kids shluld come up with a wholly new surname or just do a Prince/ Madonna and abandon posessive surnames entirely!

Having said all that my kids have DP's surname because I wasn't very feminist when we had them...

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