Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to change back to my maiden name when I'm happily married?

97 replies

namechangers · 27/07/2018 19:02

Just wondering what people's opinions are on this, especially if any of you have done it.

For background, I have been with DH over 14 years and married for 7. I wasn't sure about taking his name when we got married but he didn't want to take mine and as it would mean a lot to him I did change it. We now have children who have his name and we are all very happy.

The problem is I feel so sad with my name, I don't identify at all with his surname and I wish that I had never changed it. I still use my madien name for a couple of non legal things which I like. I really want to change it legally but I think it would upset him and would annoy his family (who I'm not close with). I wouldn't mind if my parents had different names and our children are too small to understand this now.

So aibu? Would you do it or just live with it? Thanks for reading this far!

OP posts:
Pippylou · 27/07/2018 20:02

I never changed my name and pretty much everyone like family (both sides, tho DH's is slightly better than mine) ignores that and writes to me as DH's name.

For everything official tho, use maiden name, so it's just Christmas I hate on the postman.

ohnothanks · 27/07/2018 20:14

Ooh see pippylou that drives me bonkers. On all school, work and other media I am Ms NatalName. Still I get letters and correspondence from all and sundry addressed to Mrs DH's surname. My own surname is also a common English male given name. At work I get correspondence addressed "dear commonEnglishGivenName even when I have personally sent them a message ending with my actual (female) given name.
Naminfmg is a can of worms, I tell ya.

foxitude · 27/07/2018 20:19

@namechangers - I did a deed poll. Did it now because my passport needs renewing the end of the year and thought if I don't do it before I never will. Just sent off my driving licence and will do banks next. No going back now...!

ListsWonderfulLists · 27/07/2018 20:30

Glad you've decided to go for it. I'm so much happier now. It seems silly I know but it's made a big difference to me. It was obviously easier for me as I had some things in my maiden name already but I'd second what other people have said - don't believe what the bank tells you! They often don't have a clue. God, the number of times over the years I had people tell me that it was illegal to use both my maiden name and married name. Erm, no it isn't! I'd get as much changed as you can first like doctor, dentist, utility bills etc. For those, you shouldn't need any ID. Then you can tackle the passport, driving licence etc. I haven't done passport as it's expired so don't know how that works but we'll see! Good luck.

Suzidean · 27/07/2018 20:38

I'm glad I have seen this, I am in a very similar position. I got married 7 years ago and have no children. I have never really related to DH surname. I did go to my bank with my birth certificate and an indate passport to try and change my name back but where told I needed a deed poll.
DH hasn't really said anything about it.

Sevendown · 27/07/2018 20:45

It doesn’t cost anything to change your name by deed poll.

You just print a form off from a free website, sign it and get someone to witness it.

Then take that to the bank etc.

Anyone can do this at any time for any reason.

1ndig0 · 27/07/2018 20:46

Well it’s up to you OP, but 14 years is a long time. Long enough to “own” a name and get used to it! Also, kids are life changing obviously. Are you sure you want a different name to your kids? Why does the name matter to you at this point, or did you always feel this way?

Awrite · 27/07/2018 20:59

I have never once regretted keeping my own name upon marriage.

Go for it.

My dd has already stated she will be keeping her name if she gets married. She has my name before anyone suggests she is merely choosing one man's name over another. Gotta start somewhere.

BloodyDisgrace · 27/07/2018 21:05

@The problem is I feel so sad with my name, I don't identify at all with his surname and I wish that I had never changed it.

If I felt like you do, I'd change it. You can always alter the situation you dislike, you are never stuck with something just because you did it in the past. Name change is a small thing. You can do it by deed poll, prob. cheaper than any other available (are there?) options.

glitterbiscuits · 27/07/2018 21:09

Go for it! It's your name, get it back!

MarcieBluebell · 27/07/2018 21:15

I feel tied to this name and the family and I don't want to be

I know an unpopular opinion but I wouldn't want a different name than my children after so long. I think you're thinking too much about the inlaws than your nuclear family.

slovenlys · 27/07/2018 21:19

My friend did this a mere 6 months after getting married. Purely because her new married surname was Butt snigger she's back to maiden name now and husband didn't mind, actually I think he totally understood !

LMDC · 27/07/2018 21:31

You've had 7 years to learn to like your new name and you still don't. Your husband should care more about how you feel than which surname you have. His family don't have to know, as you don't need to make an announcement; just sig a deed poll and have it changed at your bank, doctors, etc.

Given what you've said about how you feel, I would change it - and not feel guilty about it!

autumnkate · 27/07/2018 21:42

I could have written this OP! I’m changing mine back when my passport needs renewing in a years time

Original poster
namechangers · 27/07/2018 21:43

Thank you all so much for the support, it does seem like quite a big deal when I talk to DH but really it's simple and it's just for me. I will get a deed poll sorted and start from there. I hope that all of you who are unhappy with your names find some peace either through changing it or just coming to terms with it.
I really expected much more backlash and negativity so thank you lovely people!

OP posts:
MeMyselfand · 27/07/2018 21:43

You inlaws don't need to know if you change it back surely. I would change it if you feel so strongly about it.

I kept my maiden name (never bothered telling anyone and my mum was surprised to find out recently after 10 years of marriage Grin ) and I'm so glad I did, I had it for 28 years and didn't want to loose it. In my family the name dies out in our generation so I'm keeping it going for as long as I can. Oh and my kids have my husband's name which I'm proud of

Notmany · 27/07/2018 22:04

It will send a statement to people that you aren't happy in your marriage even if that isn't the intention so you will get questions about that I'm afraid.

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 27/07/2018 22:16

Isn’t it terrible that women are judged so much? Judged if she keeps her own name, judged if she doesn’t take the title Mrs, Judged if she uses the title Ms, judged if she reverts back to her maiden name, ffs sometimes I can’t believe we are in 2018 and not 1918.

Fee6 · 27/07/2018 22:30

You say

I am also not at all close with in laws and am pretty left out by them. So I don't feel a part of their family at all and I don't want to have their name if that makes sense.

I get the feeling this is the big issue and if so i completly understand. I have kept with my maiden name since getting married last year as i do not feel welcome by his family. It was a week befor the wedding when i realised that i did not want to take the name, i am so happy i made this choice so do what you need to. It was hard for my husband to understand but equally he said he would not change his name so had to understand. Good luck.

Miscella · 27/07/2018 22:34

It’s quite sad to read this thread as so many on it seem to regret changing their name.

I didn’t change my name on marriage and neither did my dh!! He never considered changing his name to mine and, if he had, I wouldn’t have agreed....he has his own name, hands off mine!

I find the concept of changing names odd. My name has nothing to do with my marital status.

I also bristle at the term maiden name. I have never considered myself a maiden and my name is just....my name.

RNBrie · 27/07/2018 22:35

I had my married name for six years and then changed it back. Was a total ball ache in terms of the paper work and I needed a deed poll even though I shouldn't have needed it.

I'm so glad I changed it back. It was a bit embarrassing at work but after the initial raised eyebrows it has never been mentioned again.

Did forget to change it with the land registry which caused a bit of a headache when we tried to sell our house but nothing a friendly solicitor couldn't resolve!

MudCity · 27/07/2018 22:39

I totally get this. I never changed my name as I will always be the name I was born with in my eyes. My DH doesn’t particularly like the fact I didn’t change my name but keeping it was, and still is, important to me.

SoupDragon · 27/07/2018 22:40

Judged if she keeps her own name, judged if she doesn’t take the title Mrs, Judged if she uses the title Ms, judged if she reverts back to her maiden name

Judged if she does change her name and use the title Mrs...

rolypolydoll · 27/07/2018 22:47

I did this recently op, been married for 8 years and just always felt like my married name wasn't me. It was a bit of a hassle but actually not that bad, just needed to get a witnessed letter stating you are returning to the use of your maiden name as of the date. The only place I had a problem with it without deep poll or divorce was hsbc. Passport and driving license no problem at all.
I do feel like I want to add in my maiden name to the kids middle names or something but that will wait till they need new passports.
Was worth it for me, it's a part of your identity and it felt wrong that I had given it up so easily.

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 27/07/2018 22:51

I don’t think many people judge women for changing their name upon marriage Soup it’s the social norm and totally expected.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.