To want to change back to my maiden name when I'm happily married?

[namechangers]

Just wondering what people's opinions are on this, especially if any of you have done it.

For background, I have been with DH over 14 years and married for 7. I wasn't sure about taking his name when we got married but he didn't want to take mine and as it would mean a lot to him I did change it. We now have children who have his name and we are all very happy.

The problem is I feel so sad with my name, I don't identify at all with his surname and I wish that I had never changed it. I still use my madien name for a couple of non legal things which I like. I really want to change it legally but I think it would upset him and would annoy his family (who I'm not close with). I wouldn't mind if my parents had different names and our children are too small to understand this now.

So aibu? Would you do it or just live with it? Thanks for reading this far!

Notmany

It will send a statement to people that you aren't happy in your marriage even if that isn't the intention so you will get questions about that I'm afraid.

I agree with this, whether wrong or right. I’m not best pleased with my married name and do miss my maiden name. However I love my husband and I know he would have been offended if I didn’t take him name, so I did. It’s just another compromise of marriage. What does your husband think about it?

I don’t think many people judge women for changing their name upon marriage Soup it’s the social norm and totally expected.

You can’t have read many of these threads on MN then.

I understand completely. My old name was lovely and rolled off the tongue easily. My married name is such a mouthful that its damaging my first name,

I also think that I have stopped winning competitions since I changed my name, I used to win loads of things and now, nothing for over 10 years since I changed it.

I think it would be hurtful to change it back so I think the only solution is to come up with a completely new name.
I’m just going to make one up and use that for myself. I will have to come up with something amazing, it will be brilliant, like getting a whole new identity again. ( that was the great thing about changing my name when getting married, new name, new email address etc)

So anyway, thats what I’m going to do, come up with a brand new name and use that.

Snap. I miss my identity as me. I am 45 and married 15 years; I'm slowly realising I've given me up to marriage and kids and I want it back. I feel like I'm slowly becoming invisible.

Not being goady but those who keep their name do the children have double barreled names? If the system changed would ppl with double barreled names have kids with quadruple barreled names?

How would you choose?

Probably not soup not been here very long will seek them out.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I remember mentioning to my STBDH when we were engaged about possibly not changing my name and he was all shocked and said "but you have to" and being young I went along with it. I've never liked the name as it constantly gets pronounced incorrectly and sounds like a stupid name, when it's not if you pronounce it correctly.

I have always wanted the same name as my DCs though and we all have the same name now. I can't double barrel as put together they sound rude. I'd love to go back to my maiden name. If we ever split and I remarried I'd never take a man's name again.

Also Mumsnet May judge taking the title Mrs but in day to day real life it’s totally expected, totally normal.

I feel like this I changed my name that my lovely dad gave me to DHs dad's name, and it's never felt like mine

@MarcieBluebell in lots of cultures women keep their birth lastname, or are called by both their birth and married lastnames depending on the occasion.

In regards to double barrelled lastnames the adult can either choose to use one of them, none of them, or if they are in a culture that double barrels lastnames follow tradition in what name is used.

Also Mumsnet May judge taking the title Mrs but in day to day real life it’s totally expected, totally normal.

I'm sure it is in your life. It certainly isn't in mine. fine if you do, fine if you don't. I don't judge (although I will admit I would wonder about a woman who voluntarily changed her name to Butt as a pp described) I don't get upset if teachers or whoever say "Mrs Dh's Name" to me - but it doesn't make it my name.

(on a side issue imagine if women got as upset about the misuse of the name they use after marriage as people do about correct pronouns??)

Marcie, I kept my surname. The children have my surname. Had one child pre-engagement. When they were born partner and I gave them my surname. Then when we talked about names before getting married Husband was going to change to my name, however decided to stick to his “maiden” name (out of pressure from his dad. DH regrets and might deed poll).

Whatever decision we’d taken with surnames, I expect my children to make their own choice with their partner. It’s not my decision to make. If they want to quadruple barrel that’s up to them.

This is really interesting to read. I was pregnant when we got married and took dh's name as wanted our dc to have a "family" name. I wish I had kept mine. I'm not a fan of double barrelling but it would be less hassle than swapping back to just my name. Tbh, my name is more difficult, less common, more easily misspelled, but it's mine. I just don't feel, like a dh's name person.

It’s just another compromise of marriage
What compromises did your husband make, iamyourequal?

Thanks bluebug and nopey. I just wondered how it will work of the system changes which I think it will.

I got married 30 years ago and I decided I didn't really want to change my name. My dh didn't mind at all. Double barrelling wasn't so fashionable them and in any case our names are awful together. Anyway I found that most of my colleagues started calling me by my married name, even when I told them I hadn't changed it. Post arrived addressed to Mrs married name, I have no idea how or why. The last straw was near the end of the first year and my job was having trouble with my tax forms, they kept getting sent back from the tax office. It turned out that the tax office had automatically changed my details to my married name. It was a mess and I just let it go and changed my name but I have always regretted it. I have so much stuff in my married name aftrr all this time that at this point I will never change it. Change yours back op, you will regret it if you don't.

I took DH’s name for all of two weeks. I was excited at first but after a couple of weeks it was just weird and felt like I was living someone else’s life. Not to mention I had to keep spelling it on the phone! So I swapped back to my maiden name. Luckily I hadn’t changed any documents yet.

PIL were (and are) furious. Screw them, it’s my business and nobody else’s. Even my DM sometimes insists I’m Mrs Soandso. I think DH feels a bit slighted but he just sucks it up because he chose to marry a stubborn independent woman! DS has my maiden name as a middle name so hopefully that will lessen any confusion.

How dare they be furious about what you choose to call yourself? What makes them feel they have the right to be angry about your name?

Thanks for starting this thread namechangers i have been feeling this for a while too and you’ve encouraged me to go for it and ignore feedback from in-laws and work colleagues!

That's great Jules! Good luck with it. I have started to use my old name for a few things while I get a deed poll sorted and it's so nice to have it again.

Shocked at the number of husbands and inlaws who try to dictate a woman's surname to her!

Good for you, OP. Your name, your decision. Once the paperwork is done, you'll wonder why on earth you felt so worried about doing this!

Names grow to be part of you if you don't mix and match. I don't think it would be worth putting more distance between you and your husbands family, why make things worse? As you say you don't want to feel part of their family, they would know that and be hurt. I had my maiden name for 22 years and my married name for 45, its just part of who I am, doesn't define me or say anything. I like to have the same name as my children, we are all the same family so the name is our identity tag.
Life can have a few irritations when you change names or change back, there will be some inconveniences. For those who talk about the ownership thing of taking the husbands name, I say no difference in taking your father's name if you think about it, so no, not ownership, just association and sharing identity