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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be happy about at this and find it very odd - son's new teacher

115 replies

SigningPetra · 26/07/2018 20:52

My son (6) has a new primary school teacher for next year, I'd been told the name but it hadn't registered with me at all. Son had a day with her last week and seemed to like her. Today my mum was asking about her and he suddenly blurted out 'oh mummy she lives in your old house...' I was a bit taken aback and asked him what he meant.... he meant just repeated she lived in my old home before I moved out. Turns out she lives with my ex-abusive boyfriend who I left in awful and aggressive circumstances, basically in fear of my safety. We'd shared a house which he kept. He then obviously met this woman and now they live together (the joy of FB when I looked up the name after this statement). Whilst I've not seen ex for 10 yrs something sits really uncomfortably with me that this is the first thing a new teacher says to a child, and that she even knows its my old house and that she even knows he is my child! It was over ten years ago, we've moved 25 miles away and I'm married with a different name. I'm sure there is nothing in it, but it has made me feel really uncomfortable and I can't quite pin point why, and I really don't like that this was brought up with my son. I don't want to make things difficult for him, or potentially her in a new school - but seems so odd I feel like I need to broach it in the new term - WWYD?

OP posts:

rockofages · 27/07/2018 09:02

A bit worrying. I had a flashback to Happy Valley with Sarah Lancashire. The actress who played the ex’s girlfriend on that made her character really creepy.

WilburIsSomePig · 27/07/2018 09:03

YANBU at all. I would be very uncomfortable about this and think she has already crossed a line by even mentioning something to your son.

I haven't seen my ex for over 25 years and then met his friends ex wife at my DS's new school. Obviously and much more tenuous link but it still makes me a little uncomfortable as she was involved in stirring the pot when things were difficult between ex DH and me. Thankfully I haven't had to had any dealings with her and I hope I don't, as I think I would find it difficult.

Witchend · 27/07/2018 09:10

Has your day seen photos of the house, or have you driven past saying "I used to.live there"?

In which case maybe she showed them a photo of her house and he has realised you lived there without her saying anything.

Assburgers · 27/07/2018 09:14

My abusive ex used to bitch about his ex, but also had her on a pedestal. So if I ever did anything ‘wrong’ he’d give an example as to why she was better. She was on my mind a lot. If fb existed at the time, I would definitely have checked her out.

I think speaking to the head is a good idea. She has acted unprofessionally. But the fact she’s said anything to him, knowing it would come back to you... do you think she wants to make contact?

OrdinarySnowflake · 27/07/2018 09:23

OP - Agree with the majority, you aren't wrong to be concerned, this is worrying - particularly if there's no obvious connection for him to know your new married name, or even that you have a DS (like his mum is still friends with someone who's friends with your Mum/you still keep in touch with the wife of one of his friends etc), then it's clear she shouldn't know the connection innocently, someone has been stalking you.

Discuss with the Head.

LimboLuna · 27/07/2018 09:30

Kids that age don’t realise mummy and daddy had a life before them. By eldest learnt about my abusive ex last year (long story!) and still can’t put The two and two together.
So it was hugely in appropriate for her in every sense. Let alone how did she work it out? My ex’s new wife lives in my old house. She would see the odd bit of post in my name that I’ve not redirected but that’s it. Certainly not in a married name to work it out. It’s weird she knows.

Mousefunky · 27/07/2018 09:50

Agreed with assburgers, my abusive ex used to do the exact same thing about one particular ex. When I bought him a birthday card for example, he pulled one out she had made for him years before and started saying how hers was better etc. So if this woman is also being abused by him, it is possible your ex mentions you often as a way of abusing her and that she has checked you out on social media (I definitely did with his ex.)

The only thing is that you are married and have a different surname now so I’m unsure how she would have found you unless your ex has stalked you for years and he’s mentioned to the new GF that you’re married now and called -X-. How private is your social media? Could she have seen a pic of your son on there for example? Is your married surname quite obscure?

It is very weird. I teach and we are always told not to divulge too much about our private lives, we’re also not really allowed to teach someone we know.

UrsulaPandress · 27/07/2018 10:01

This has sent a shiver down my spine.

catherinedevalois · 27/07/2018 10:07

Op, if you email today or even phone, there's a possibility that someone is there and could get the ball rolling quicker. I think it will be more difficult to pin down a safeguarding lead/ht during the middle of the holidays and at the end will leave less time for alternative arrangements and investigation.

kaytee87 · 27/07/2018 10:12

It's very odd, I wouldn't be happy either. I'd try to speak to HT ASAP

Thinkingofausername1 · 27/07/2018 10:14

Oh how awful ☹️. Think you should definitely report this. It sounds like she is already got her claws in and being unprofessional.

Berthatydfil · 27/07/2018 10:37

There is no reason she would know the connection unless your ex has been keeping tabs on you somehow.
That’s quite worrying however maybe she’s done you a small favour by this by telling him because at least you know now rather than later in the school year.

In my opinion this is a safeguarding risk as it may call into question her professional judgement.
I realise her personal and professional lives are separate but it does concern me.

What if your ex treats her like he treated you? She’s normalised this behaviour within a relationship so what if a child makes a disclosure to her about behaviour they have witnessed that she also experiences ?
Can she exercise adequate professional judgement to deal with such a situation, because the judgement she’s shown so far has been poor.

covetingthepreciousthings · 27/07/2018 10:42

@rockofages Happy Valley is exactly what I thought of too.

This would really concern me, I think you should speak to the head about your worries. I don't know how she would know this? Also seems a worry why she would bring it up with your DS.

Alittleshaderequired · 27/07/2018 10:45

@Tomatoesrock Maxine Carr was not a teacher. She was a teaching assistant at a time when a large proportion of TAs were barely regulated. As a direct result of the Soham tragedy, there was a major overhaul of the (then) CRB checks to share info and incorporate everyone in contact with young children. These days, the job of teaching assistant is thankfully far more professional and very often qualified. It’s just a shame their wages don’t yet reflect this.

Op, massive alarm bells and at the very least, she has been massively unprofessional.

Alittleshaderequired · 27/07/2018 10:48

*Not that teachers cannot equally be caught up in an abusive relationship. But before Soham, teachers would have been subjected to checks that weren’t always extended to TAs depending on the LA. Thankfully, 17yrs later we now have national standards and very stringent checks for all.

Snowysky20009 · 27/07/2018 10:59

Very odd. Please contact the headteacher. Don't go in with accusations or assumptions, just tell them exactly what happened, and then mention, if you are comfortable, the abuse, as it's this that also adds another dimension to it. Good Luck and try not to worry (I know it's easier said than done).

Jghijjjoo · 27/07/2018 11:09

If there is anything dodgy in it I suspect that she would have kept it quiet. She could have done more damage that way.

It's probably just a coincidence, but yes speak to the head. I'd be concerned that she was encouraged by her dp to go for this job especially because your kids go there. It does sound like he/she/both of them have kept tabs on you.

OkMaybeNot · 27/07/2018 11:10

If she doesn't know about the (real) circumstances of why you separated she'd have no reason to speak to the head. Probably just thinking 'oh what a small world'.

However she shouldn't have said a word to your son. That's shocking. Again it must be from a place of complete ignorance.

One thing is for sure though, your ex has kept tabs on you, and has probably shown her pictures of you and your son, which is how she'll hae recognised you. That's fucking creepy.

I think you need to speak to the head so she's brought up to speed. She must be made to realise she can't bring details about you and your family, your whereabouts etc to your ex.

MsMotherOfDragons · 27/07/2018 11:58

That's really creepy and inappropriate. For what it's worth, I don't blame the teacher and I suspect that she may be as much as risk as you from your abusive ex.

As a previous poster said:

"Can imagine a nasty ex encouraging new partner to get job in school where son of ex wife attends, if he was being creepy etc.

Can't imagine the new partner being aware of this and brightly informing child that she lives in his mother's former home."

There is no innocent explanation for how she has identified your son and you, given that you have changed names and have not been in touch with your ex. It rings massive alarm bells that this is something that your ex is keeping tabs on, if he is abusive, and even more so that it is something he has shared with his current partner who is in a position of responsibility towards your son.

MsMotherOfDragons · 27/07/2018 11:58

It's lucky that she said something to your son, really, otherwise you wouldn't have known this was going on. If she had any malicious intentions she would have been more careful, but it sounds innocent on her part (but not at all innocent on the part of your ex).

Bluntness100 · 27/07/2018 12:02

I'd also agree this is not right at all. I'm also concerned as you've said this man is abusive, so what's he telling her about you, is he making her jealous.

You need to speak to the head. Her telling you son is more than an error of judgement, she wants you to know who she is.

Somethings wrong here

TorviBrightspear · 27/07/2018 12:06

MaisyPops. I should have said I only use this drastic communication method sparingly, I'd not use it for everyday stuff.

But in this case, I think it's something that needs discussing sooner than later, and I worry about the possibility of other stuff coming up that makes it worse for OP and her family.

The teacher's role may be fairly innocent, she could have been manipulated, but she did show a lack of judgement in talking to the child about this.

MaisyPops · 27/07/2018 12:06

I agree with other posters. I wonder if the teacher is aware of the full story at all. Maybe the ex has fed her a load of lines about his awful ex who was this that and the other, who didn't like him ending it so fabricated lies about him etc.

It wouldn't make sense for her to say something to the child otherwise. Given that you can be pulled up for living with someone with a history of abuse or violence, she'd have been stupid to risk her professionalism by mentioning it.

macattack52 · 27/07/2018 12:23

I would tell the headteacher, ofsted and education services. If that didn't work, I would telephone the police.

Rainfallrainbow · 27/07/2018 12:34

I would ring and email school, leaving messages that you have a safeguarding concern that you need to raise ASAP. Someone should get in touch sharpish.

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