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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy about at this and find it very odd - son's new teacher

115 replies

SigningPetra · 26/07/2018 20:52

My son (6) has a new primary school teacher for next year, I'd been told the name but it hadn't registered with me at all. Son had a day with her last week and seemed to like her. Today my mum was asking about her and he suddenly blurted out 'oh mummy she lives in your old house...' I was a bit taken aback and asked him what he meant.... he meant just repeated she lived in my old home before I moved out. Turns out she lives with my ex-abusive boyfriend who I left in awful and aggressive circumstances, basically in fear of my safety. We'd shared a house which he kept. He then obviously met this woman and now they live together (the joy of FB when I looked up the name after this statement). Whilst I've not seen ex for 10 yrs something sits really uncomfortably with me that this is the first thing a new teacher says to a child, and that she even knows its my old house and that she even knows he is my child! It was over ten years ago, we've moved 25 miles away and I'm married with a different name. I'm sure there is nothing in it, but it has made me feel really uncomfortable and I can't quite pin point why, and I really don't like that this was brought up with my son. I don't want to make things difficult for him, or potentially her in a new school - but seems so odd I feel like I need to broach it in the new term - WWYD?

OP posts:
catherinedevalois · 26/07/2018 21:20

Yes, I'd be worried that he's kept tabs on you all these years and now will know a lot more about you in the year to come. I'd email the HT now, I wouldn't be happy about her teaching my child. Maybe they'd be some way of her swapping classes? I don't know how feasible or practical that is. Good luck.

bastardkitty · 26/07/2018 21:20

@Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar Then report it if you don't believe it. You don't believe that people put photos of themselves on FB in their own garden? Or that OP would recognise the garden of a house she used to.live in? Whatever.

It's hugely inappropriate OP. Headteacher needs to know that this person has serious boundary issues.

TorviBrightspear · 26/07/2018 21:22

ex-abusive boyfriend who I left in awful and aggressive circumstances, basically in fear of my safety.

I would not be surprised to find that your ex is behind this, as a way of getting at you, and you're already unsettled.

Is she a new teacher to the school? I wonder what led her to choosing this job to apply for....

YouTheCat · 26/07/2018 21:24

Red flags waving!

Apart from the fact that it is really unprofessional for her to mention any of these circumstances to your child, I think it sounds like your ex has been keeping tabs.

I'd speak to the head, asap.

rainforesttreeswinging · 26/07/2018 21:24

I would absolutely speak to the head, there is a serious safeguarding issue here. If they can’t move her form, then you need to consider moving your dc. Very creepy and too much of a coincidence.

tempester28 · 26/07/2018 21:26

Is there a chance that she does not know your relationship was abusive? I would have thought that if he was abusive to you then he would be abusive to her, however if that is not the case then she may not see realise the seriousness of telling your son. However, even so it would seem incredibly unprofessional and suggests your ex is keeping tabs on you .

eggofmantumbi · 26/07/2018 21:27

If nothing else she has been extremely unprofessional. She should never have mentioned it to your son, but should have disclosed to HT and then to you privately in my opinion.

searose · 26/07/2018 21:31

How awful for you. mine is another vote for speaking to the Head but I would also speak with your husband and decide together what you want for your son. Abusers are controllers.

Thatssomebadhatharry · 26/07/2018 21:32

If this was just an ex I would let it go. However this was an abuse relationship you escaped from. He has been keeping taps on you and his girlfriend is now in charge of your child. It is really odd she would mention it!! It is odd she knows who you are. Please speak to the school this is a major safeguarding issue. He may be abusing his new girlfriend.

Original poster
SigningPetra · 26/07/2018 21:36

tempester this is my DHs view - that she's not realised.
Yes she is new to the school - and no chance of moving forms, its a very small school - classes have 2 year groups in them

OP posts:
FlyingElbows · 26/07/2018 21:41

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Pengggwn · 26/07/2018 21:44

God, that's odd. If nothing else, very poor judgement on the part of the teacher. I would at least speak to the Head.

CitySnicker · 26/07/2018 21:44

The school have the option of moving the staff around. If you went in and told them the full story they may consider doing this.

Goodfood1 · 26/07/2018 21:45

I really do not like the sound of this and think for your own peace of mind you should discuss with the head teacher. just explain it as you have done here. she should NEVER have said anything to your son regardless.
see what the head says then move on from there.

LotsToThinkOf · 26/07/2018 21:47

This needs to be discussed with the head teacher, not because of what she said but because of the nature of your relationship with your ex. I bet anything that she doesn't know about his abusive past or that you fled, and the fact that she knows about you and your DS confirms that your ex has an unhealthy intrigue about your and your life. He doesn't need to know anything about you yet his girlfriend knows about you?! Alarm bells for me.

You can easily discuss this with the headteacher from this angle, you should probably discuss it with the teacher and the headteacher together actually, particularly if your DS likes his teacher.

Maelstrop · 26/07/2018 21:49

A deputy head I know, soon to be a head, is the friend of a friend and I saw everything on his profile when I idly browsed. None of his profile is locked. People don’t think, although as a teacher, I think you’d be an idiot to have anything public on social media.

Petalflowers · 26/07/2018 21:53

Most teachers I know put a altered version of their name on Facebook to avoid detection.

Therefore, instead of Mrs Bridget Mcluskey (showing my age with that reference), they would put Bridget Mac, or Bridget ‘middle name/maiden mame’.

Celticlassie · 26/07/2018 21:58

Only about half the teachers I know have an adapted name on social media. If your profile's locked down they can't see anything anyway, other than a profile and cover pic. So not entirely unlikely that OP could find her on fb.

Pengggwn · 26/07/2018 22:02

If I realised I was teaching the child the first thing I would do would be to go to the Head, just to cover my back. I would say nothing to the child.

RuggerHug · 26/07/2018 22:06

Or she can see teachers fb by looking up ex and seeing he has other half/in relationship with 'MissTeachyMcTeacherson no connection to real name'.

heatwaveisnofunwhenpregnant · 26/07/2018 22:08

This is very odd... It reminds me of one of those 3 part tv series BBC1 puts on from time to time...
I would be seriously creeped out and looking to move house, let alone school.

Tomatoesrock · 26/07/2018 22:10

Yanbu. That is creepy, why would she say it to your DS. It sounds like she had a previous FB search on you.She probably recognised his name on the register. Very strange from a professional.
Can you email the head to discuss it.

incywincybitofa · 26/07/2018 22:12

Surely she must realise sharing that knowledge is creepy whether it's her or the ex stirring the pot she must know this is odd at best

Original poster
SigningPetra · 26/07/2018 22:13

Thank you for the responses, I came on as really felt perplexed about what to do, I thank those who have shown equal concern (i.e. I'm not over reacting!) and I will talk to head who I have a very good relationship with. My guess is that she doesn't realise the context and perhaps overstepped a boundary in an attempt to bond with my son, but I do want this in the open.
Not ignoring the 'this is a troll' posts, it isn't - but I certainly understand how odd it reads as it is equally odd to me. For what its worth her FB is in her name and I can see profile pics and cover photo but that's it.

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 26/07/2018 22:17

I can’t figure out how she would know who he is, know he’s your son, know she is with your ex and then bring it up? Your son didn’t even live there or anything so he didn’t bring it up. I’d report it to the head and see if they can find out what happened.