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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be happy about at this and find it very odd - son's new teacher

115 replies

SigningPetra · 26/07/2018 20:52

My son (6) has a new primary school teacher for next year, I'd been told the name but it hadn't registered with me at all. Son had a day with her last week and seemed to like her. Today my mum was asking about her and he suddenly blurted out 'oh mummy she lives in your old house...' I was a bit taken aback and asked him what he meant.... he meant just repeated she lived in my old home before I moved out. Turns out she lives with my ex-abusive boyfriend who I left in awful and aggressive circumstances, basically in fear of my safety. We'd shared a house which he kept. He then obviously met this woman and now they live together (the joy of FB when I looked up the name after this statement). Whilst I've not seen ex for 10 yrs something sits really uncomfortably with me that this is the first thing a new teacher says to a child, and that she even knows its my old house and that she even knows he is my child! It was over ten years ago, we've moved 25 miles away and I'm married with a different name. I'm sure there is nothing in it, but it has made me feel really uncomfortable and I can't quite pin point why, and I really don't like that this was brought up with my son. I don't want to make things difficult for him, or potentially her in a new school - but seems so odd I feel like I need to broach it in the new term - WWYD?

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 26/07/2018 22:21

She will get to know a lot about you as y1s are very ready with information and if this is going to be a problem then you will need to change schools. She shouldn't however divulge any information not in the public domain to your ex.

LyndaLaHughes · 26/07/2018 22:24

I would send an email to the HT asap. As others have said this is a safeguarding issue and she will want to know.

OrchidInTheSun · 26/07/2018 22:25

Your ex is keeping tabs on you. He knows your married name, where you live and what your children are called. He knows what school they go to.

And what RedHelenB says is a massive concern. Children that age have no filter at all.

MissEliza · 26/07/2018 22:26

Very strange from a professional. Yes that's what I think. You need to get into the school. Something feels off about her.

BottleOfJameson · 26/07/2018 22:26

YANBU. It's very odd that she said that to your DC, far to personal, especially since it's such an awkward situation anyway.

MaisyPops · 26/07/2018 22:30

It seems unusual. I'd also say speak to the head.

I mean, I've looked at class lists and said to DH 'Is Billy Smith Daniel's son? Is he already Y8?' if it looks like I've got a child in my class who we know parents of.

The other thing to consider is if there were convictions. Staff working with children shouldn't be living with partners who have a record (not sure the details though).

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 26/07/2018 22:32

Very strange, I would do everything in my power to keep my child from being in her class

mushlett · 26/07/2018 22:38

Please contact the school ASAP before they go back. This is beyond strange it’s creepy. There’s a serious amount of stalking required for her to have any idea who your son is. I hope you get answers xx

rinabean · 26/07/2018 22:45

It's very weird and inappropriate, please do talk to someone about it. How could she say all that on one day? You'd been apart 4 years before you had your son, it should not really be anything she knows... it's all very weird. It's not like it came out several months into the school year because it was really a coincidence, why was she talking about any of this on one single day?

Tomatoesrock · 26/07/2018 22:46

Sorry I may have missed it, Is your name still the same, has DS the same surname or a double barrel name. If you have had a photo with your DS as your profile picture, she may well have viewed it.

When my DC first started primary, I couldn't believe the amount of DC I recognised as such and suchs child from FB.

ThinkingCat · 26/07/2018 22:49

Strange.
Can imagine a nasty ex encouraging new partner to get job in school where son of ex wife attends, if he was being creepy etc.

Can't imagine the new partner being aware of this and brightly informing child that she lives in his mother's former home.

It seems unlikely that she would know the former address of the mother of one of her pupil's pre-dating his birth from any paperwork.

So the only way she can know is through the ex. Maybe he has made something up - but even then it would be a very contrived situation - a woman who used to live at this address lives in that area and her son is xx.

ballstoit · 26/07/2018 23:04

I'd definitely mention this to the head ASAP. I teach in a school about 20 minutes from where I live, didn't expect to know any of the children. Turns out ex-h's cousins children go to the school (so technically my dc's second cousin I suppose although they've never met).

I mentioned to my head as soon as I realised and when working out classes, we've made sure I don't teach them.

Would have expected your ds's teacher to have done the same if she found out accidentally after taking the job.

Thankfuckitsfriday1 · 26/07/2018 23:17

I would definitely contact the head, I also wouldn’t downplay how odd this is or immediately assume her intentions are innocent.

I can’t understand how she would recognise him so well and even think to tell him this.

Why would your ex mention you to her? How would she find you on Facebook under your new name? Why would she be looking closely enough to find you ok Facebook, recognise your son and then mention it to him? After ten years this is incredibly strange and the fact she’s new as well doesn’t sit well.
Could your ex have put her up to say something? I would actually be quite worried and not comfortable at all with him staying in her class

French2019 · 26/07/2018 23:48

Agree with everyone else really. It's very odd that she should even know this, let alone mention it. I think a conversation with the head is definitely required.

Tinkerbell89 · 26/07/2018 23:53

I would flag this with the school. It's not appropriate for her to be discussing this with a 6 year old and weird she knows who he is. Safeguarding issue I think. Call a meeting with the Head of school if he doesn't do anything take it to the governors.

Twombly · 26/07/2018 23:54

Agree this is concerning, sinister even. It does seem your ex has been keeping tabs on you, has shared what he knows with his new partner and she (bizarrely) is, at best, unprofessional enough to have closed the circle by mentioning it to your DS. If changing classes isn't an option, swapping which teacher takes which class might be, at the head's discretion, but tbh that still leaves her theoretically in loco parentis. I would be looking at changing schools if I'm honest, and since to do so you'll have to be in touch with the local authority education department, I think I would first take the opportunity to discuss the situation with them. You probably won't be able to contact the head during the holidays anyway, and I wonder if the local authority would be more awake to the safeguarding implications without staffing complications clouding their perspective.

In the longer term, I think I would also be thinking about moving away from the area completely, but that may be easier said than done depending on your circumstances. You are definitely not overreacting to this and I think your DH hasn't really thought it through properly if he thinks it's no big deal.

REOLay · 27/07/2018 00:05

I think it would be appropriate to ask to meet the headteacher to pass on what your ds told you.

Go for a "this I see what my son told me" approach, no embellishment.

Then say you looked on social and it seems that the teacher may be living in the same place as your ex, who was abusive to you.

This is absolutley a valid safeguarding concern and the headteacher needs to know.

One, to ensure no weirdness for your ds or you or the teacher, and two because there can be safeguarding concerns around the people who live with people who work with children.

At the very least the teacher has been unprofessional and inappropriate in disclosing that to your ds.

SubtitlesOn · 27/07/2018 00:24

Report to headteacher

Tomatoesrock · 27/07/2018 00:30

Without trying to completely be a drama lama, or put fear in you but I have to say it. When I first read your post earlier I thought of Maxine Carr. The scenario of the abusive partner, the trust between Teacher and pupil.

Birdshitbridgegotme · 27/07/2018 00:36

Do u have fb op? Is is set to private? Is your ex blocked? It seems he has been keeping tabs on u. Have u ever said anything about your sons school ect? As when his gf got a job in that school he may have mentioned his ex (u) has a son that goes there (knowing your married name now) and then it just so happened that she ended up being your sons teacher. I doubt she knows the real story about what happened between u two so thought it was okay to mention to your son she lives in your old house...i doubt she is being creepy or stalking but i Can totally see why it's creeped u out though. I would do as everyone else said speak to.the head teacher if only to get him moved class incase he says stuff to her that will get back to the ex

WellThisIsShit · 27/07/2018 01:01

Definitely report this to the head teacher. If you have her email address I’d wrote an initial mail now as she’ll be working at some points, and could do with a heads up before the start of term.

I wouldn’t write the actual issue though as you need to be able to talk this through thoroughly with the ht before she gets the other teachers voice in her head and it all gets minimised and laughed off...

The way two phrases it sums up why it’s making me so uncomfortable...

“she (bizarrely) is, at best, unprofessional enough to have closed the circle by mentioning it to your DS. ”

How is she in possession of this information?

And what does this mean about your abusive ex and how long he’s kept tabs on you unbeknownst to you... the risk factors go up losds here potentially and I can’t see any ‘ha ha ha conicsbtence’ type of story covering it, it’s too bizarre.

Why on earth does she feel it’s in her remit to ‘close the circle’ by giving your son personal (and odd in this context) information about his mummy on his first time at school??? It’s naive st best... but this naivity could shows that she is dancing to a different drummer than ‘professionalism first’ and it may well be the controlling boyfriend comes first, and who cares about appropriate boundaries at work...

I’d be asking why she thinks it’s ok to creates intimate/ over familiar connections in DS’s mind, when she should be distancing herself and being nothing but professionalism at its best to the son of her boyfriends ex partner?

Even if she doesn’t know her partner was abusive and you fled in fear of your life... why doesn’t she? Is she more easily controlled by him? Or deep in the fog and not admitting any issues in her relationship? Or maybe she’s cut from his cloth. Who knows? But I wouldn’t be imagining it’s all rainbows and cotton candy, although I wouldn’t immediately paint her as a fellow victim either. What I think she might be is someone in a messy relationship with no perspective and if she’s not able to keep her professional/personal boundaries up under pressure from her partner, then she shouldn’t be anywhere near my child.

I would give her one warning shot across the bows first though, supported by the ht, making it clear what is expected and also being clear what the consequences are of breaking any professional boundaries... and if there’s any hint of her behaving weirdly again I’d be leaving.

I know it’s horribly disruptive, but if your ds has potentially two years with her, you can’t be worrying about her every day.

I’d ask your address to be kept completely confidential and away from her and other staff though, in case she goes home and whines to the partner and it escalates. And remove your contact details from any other public platforms...

WarPigeon · 27/07/2018 01:12

Your address cannot be kept confidential, half the staff of any school can just look it up on the MIS. While tired and probably wrong I’d say this seems a little far fetched.

SleepWarrior · 27/07/2018 01:15

Really odd and weird and slightly alarming.

TorviBrightspear · 27/07/2018 08:55

If you have the head's email, a brief message that you want to discuss a potential safeguarding issue involving your son before the start of the new school year, without including any other details, will practically guarantee they will get in touch with you as soon as practically possible.

Ok, they may be on holiday now, but you'll get the chance to discuss this.

I learned a long time ago that to get a response from people, keep messages brief with no detail. Eg, instead of leaving a voice mail or sending an email waffling on in detail, a VM saying "call me" or short email asking them to get in touch asap has them worrying and they'll get in touch.

MaisyPops · 27/07/2018 09:02

torvi
You're right that someone will be able to check the school mail and right to say it needs raising, but I'd go caution on the scare tactics to get a reply. There's a very real chance you get 'boy who cried wolf' situations.
I've had parents leave messages saying it's urgent and I've emailed round colleagues to cover my duty because I'm on a full day so break was all I could do... only to find it wasn't urgent at all. They do that a lot. Now I've asked our office staff to take a message with what it's about. No message, no urgent call back and I don't jump for them. They get called back when it's reasonable and convenient.

The best bet is an email saying something has come to your attention that has potential safeguarding implications for your child, you understandably don't want tk write a massive email so would it be possible for a quick call or meeting if and when convenient before tje children start back.
It might be you get a meeting on the PD day.

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