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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make him come home?

101 replies

Divette · 26/07/2018 11:27

DS is 12. He struggles with friendships due to issues in his background and so far these holidays has been moving around at home. When he does go out (to school or occasionally with friends), he is usually really great at letting me know where he is and coming home on time. Yesterday evening he had a text from an old primary school friend asking him to go to his house. I was really pleased for him and asked him just to let me know when he’d arrived (approx 15 mins on his bike). He didn’t. I asked had he arrived and he apologised. I told him if he did that again he would have to come home as I need to know he’s safe. They made arrangements for today and she was so excited. Got himself up and dressed and had breakfast and cake to tell me he was leaving. I said again he must let me know when he arrived. He didn’t. I messaged him to ask had he arrived and he phoned me so apologetic, he had planned to let me know but got distracted etc etc. I told him to come home. He is devastated as they have plans with other friends from primary school and is begging for one more chance. Do I give in and let him stay? Am I being too harsh anyway?

OP posts:
Original poster
Divette · 26/07/2018 11:27

Moping, not moving around!

OP posts:
NewGrandad · 26/07/2018 11:28

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Divette · 26/07/2018 11:28

Haha the typos! CAME to tell me he was leaving-no cake for breakfast except on birthdays when it’s obligatory! Grin

OP posts:
TheShapeOfEwe · 26/07/2018 11:29

I'd give him one more chance because I well remember how easily distracted I was at that age. Maybe when he's home remind him of why it's so important and then help him develop a strategy for remembering. Then if he forgets again, make him come home so he knows the consequences are serious.

FannyFifer · 26/07/2018 11:29

Too harsh, let him have fun with his friends.
Would he be home alone otherwise?

TheyBuiltThePyramids · 26/07/2018 11:30

You are being too harsh. They are teenagers and forget. It's annoying but that's how it is.

ClandestineAdulation · 26/07/2018 11:30

YABU.

Strawberrybelly · 26/07/2018 11:30

Let him stay today and then have a word later about it.

titsbumfannythelot · 26/07/2018 11:31

I think YABU. Sounds like getting carried away with excitement of seeing a friend.

Could you set an alarm on his phone for half an hour after he leaves to remind him to text you?

AnneOfCleavage · 26/07/2018 11:32

I am strict on this kind of thing but also fairly soft on not wanting to interrupt a planned day out. I think you should make it really clear this is his last chance and he's to text as soon as he turns in driveway and not once he's knocked and chatting to friends.

One thing that has saved me is getting Life360 on our phones (works on android and iPhone) which tracks where they are so you actually can see the address they are at. Saves this kind of headache for both of you.

Original poster
Divette · 26/07/2018 11:32

But we had a word last night about it and he seemed to understand. I’m not sure the ‘you’re a nutter’ comment was necessary? I asked and will listen to others’ points of view but insults are unnecessary.

OP posts:
HollyGibney · 26/07/2018 11:32

Don't be ridiculous! Don't ruin his lovely day over a phone call. Phone him at the time you expect him to be there. The last thing a 12 year old wants to do is get straight on the phone to mum on arrival. I have find my iPhone on my kids phones so I check where they are with that and request a call on leaving but I don't punish if they don't.

ExFury · 26/07/2018 11:33

Given that he’s struggled so much I wouldn’t make him come home. But speak to him again and develop a strategy that works for you both.

One of my DDs is hopeless at texts to say she’s arrived so I text her roughly when she’s due to arrive and she texts back with where she is.

Maryzsnewaccount · 26/07/2018 11:33

Let him stay; you say he struggles with friendships so it's in your interest for him to stay.

OK he didn't text you but he didn't disappear, he answered you so it's not as if he is deliberately lying.

Tomorrow calmly set out a method of communication which involves, if necessary, you sending him texts and him replying; in time he'll learn to remember.

SassitudeandSparkle · 26/07/2018 11:34

I think that's too harsh as well tbh. I'm only going on what you've said here (and I see that you have mentioned a background to this) but are you putting your own fears on him? What is it about his arrival at the place that worries you?

Trinity66 · 26/07/2018 11:34

yabu he's a kid, kids forget stuff like that

recklessruby · 26/07/2018 11:34

Give him a chance. He s 12. It's school holidays. He s excited about seeing friends and having plans. He got distracted.
My ds usually forgot for hours or his phone battery died. Boys aren't the best at this. Dd always texts and her phones always on. Think girls are more responsible at that age!

Perfectly1mperfect · 26/07/2018 11:34

Don't make him come home. You have said he struggles with friendships so don't make things harder for him. As he goes out more he will get better at remembering to text you, it's easy to forget at any age when you are doing something that you want to do.

Maybe in future, arrange that you text him when you have given him enough time to get where he's going as your text will remind him to text you back.

macdhui · 26/07/2018 11:35

Just let him enjoy the day

lovelycuppateas · 26/07/2018 11:35

You're being over-protective. If you ring him, he answers, is apologetic and (most importantly) safe, that's absolutely fine. I understand that you need to know he's ok, but he also needs to spread his wings a bit at this age and see friends. You need a more workable compromise that doesn't depend on him getting to a friend's house, being excited to see them and then having to instantly call his mum.

TokyoSushi · 26/07/2018 11:37

Too harsh, let him stay!

Emmageddon · 26/07/2018 11:37

Let him enjoy his day out with friends. I agree with setting an alarm on his phone so he remembers to text you. Don't jeopardise his social life by being too strict.

Original poster
Divette · 26/07/2018 11:38

Thank you all. Point taken. I’m not trying to get in touch with him to tell him I was too harsh and he can stay (with conditions that we come up with a better way to know he’s safe) but he’s not answering so I guess he’s already left. Sad I’ll apologise when he gets home and see if he wants to go back (probably not now!) Hands up here. Mum fail. Ah well, we live and learn. Thank you (almost) all of you.

OP posts:
Haberpop · 26/07/2018 11:38

I think I'd save the punishment for the big stuff, I get distracted all the time and forget to text so I can imagine what excitement has done to him today. I work on the theory that bad news travels fast so if something awful happened I would soon hear about it.

Starlighter · 26/07/2018 11:38

Oh please don’t ruin his day! He forgot, then he called you and apologised. Given the background here, I’d let it go.