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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make him come home?

101 replies

Divette · 26/07/2018 11:27

DS is 12. He struggles with friendships due to issues in his background and so far these holidays has been moving around at home. When he does go out (to school or occasionally with friends), he is usually really great at letting me know where he is and coming home on time. Yesterday evening he had a text from an old primary school friend asking him to go to his house. I was really pleased for him and asked him just to let me know when he’d arrived (approx 15 mins on his bike). He didn’t. I asked had he arrived and he apologised. I told him if he did that again he would have to come home as I need to know he’s safe. They made arrangements for today and she was so excited. Got himself up and dressed and had breakfast and cake to tell me he was leaving. I said again he must let me know when he arrived. He didn’t. I messaged him to ask had he arrived and he phoned me so apologetic, he had planned to let me know but got distracted etc etc. I told him to come home. He is devastated as they have plans with other friends from primary school and is begging for one more chance. Do I give in and let him stay? Am I being too harsh anyway?

OP posts:

Nidy · 26/07/2018 12:07

This makes a very sad read.. FFS... wayyyy too harsh..... awful for him ☹

BrokenWing · 26/07/2018 12:08

He going to a friends just 15 mins away and you want him to check in as soon as he gets there? Then they are going out, do you need him to check in every 15 mins when out?

Making him come home is OTT, reminding him to check in is ok, he'll get it eventually (or maybe not). Don't ruin his rare day out with friends with him worrying he's in trouble for a minor issue.

Did you have to check in with your parents when you went out to play at that age? Probably not as dc didn't have mobile phones so parents had to let their children be a bit more independent.

amusedbush · 26/07/2018 12:09

What a bloody shame. He was 15 minutes away - you went way over the top.

Fishface77 · 26/07/2018 12:12

Poor kid.
Glad you’ve seen the light op.
I wonder though, how much you’ve contributed to his friendship problems.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 26/07/2018 12:12

I felt sad reading that, poor lad! What is going to happen to him on a 15 min bike ride! He's 12, let him have some freedom. Particularly given his struggles with friendships in the past, you need to be encouraging it, not putting barriers in his way.

I get it's scary letting them do these things but seriously, you need to unclench.

OctaviaOctober · 26/07/2018 12:13

You're the one who has his safe arrival on your mind, he'll be distracted by meeting his friends. I'm pretty sure I'd forget to let someone know I'd arrived at a social thing and I'm an adult. How about you tell him you'll text him in 45 minutes and expect a reply?

Original poster

Divette · 26/07/2018 12:14

I managed to speak to him before he got too far. I said that I’d been too harsh and was sorry, that it’s just because I love him and worry about him but that I’d made a mistake in my judgement. I said we’d talk it over later and think of a better way to do things in future. He said he understood and was pleased to be able to go back. He got straight on the phone to his friend and he’s back there now (I think! Haven’t insisted he let me know but assume he is! )

Thanks again for the helpful replies and for giving me perspective. This parenting malarkey’s hard to get right sometimes isn’t it?

OP posts:

BigSandyBalls2015 · 26/07/2018 12:15

I presume he's going into year 8 in Sept? Don't make him the odd one out, having to ring mum all the time. He sounds lovely, apologetic etc, don't give him a hard time, he's excited to be invited out, having fun with his peers, he forgot! It's not a big deal. Have a chat tonight.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 26/07/2018 12:17

Oh good, hope he has a fab day, bless him.
It is very hard, I do understand - I have DCs who are mid teens now and that initial stage of letting them go is difficult as we're so used to having them with us most of the time or with another adult.

MotherofTerriers · 26/07/2018 12:20

Maybe write a brief text on his phone saying he's arrived, then he can just press send when he gets there? Less embarrassing than having to phone his mum

SandyY2K · 26/07/2018 12:21

Glad he got to go back. Yeah...the parenting is a challenge.

Get him to put a reminder on his phone to call you.

rainbowruthie · 26/07/2018 12:23

He sounds like a really lovely lad, so pleased that you were able to stop him coming back and hope that he has a great day with his friends

Singlenotsingle · 26/07/2018 12:23

Poor kid. Disappointing and embarrassing for him. Don't you remember being a child?

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 26/07/2018 12:24

Can you suggest sharing locations on your phone, if he agrees then job done, if he's reluctant then you can say the next time he forgets to text you to say he's arrived then he needs to share locations from now on?

BTW is the route he cycles particularly dangerous? Is he a young 12? Just wondering if you're being a tad over protective.

Pumpkintopf · 26/07/2018 12:26

Glad he got to go back op and good for you for asking for opinions and being the bigger person in changing your mind.

Caaarrrl · 26/07/2018 12:30

You're right OP parenting is bloody hard and confusing. It is difficult letting them have more independence because we worry about where they are and if they're ok. I track my eldest by the black box that insurance put in her car!

Well done for

Caaarrrl · 26/07/2018 12:30

Sorry posted too soon!

Well done for how you have dealt with it.

nokidshere · 26/07/2018 12:31

I think you've done the right thing. It's a huge learning curve for them and us when they start going out and about. My two (16&19) don't always remember to text me but I just text them "where are you" and they pretty much always reply.

Bacere · 26/07/2018 12:32

What motherofterriers said . When my own was that age i said just have a face smiley ready so s you get to driveway/door you can press send. Sometimes even that wasn't easy to do so we eventually relaxed and it somehow becme easier to do til i was fine less worried. Sometimes i would manage to ask a simply question that i could send to check safe arrival. I also suggested we use a fake name of a fake friend or cousin so it coukd look like texting own peer group rathehan mother but eventually he felt more confident to pause and text me. You have my full understanding OP and so happy to read you managed to out things right so quickly.

SandyY2K · 26/07/2018 12:37

Being able to apologise as a parent to your child is a good trait and is respected.

You did well OP.

Vandree · 26/07/2018 12:56

Ah you were a bit harsh but its understandable. I would second putting Life 360 apps on all your phones. Its brilliant. Dh and I have it and will be putting it on the kids phones too. You can see where the other one is and they can check in or you can request a check in. I can see that dh got to work ok as he cycles and when he is enroute to stick his dinner in the oven etc. Its a great idea. We are both quite happy to have it set up and even the kids like checking to see how far their dad is from home when hes cycling home. Glad you got in touch with him though

janaus · 26/07/2018 12:56

Maybe he can set a reminder on his phone before he leaves the house. Like, in 20 mins, alarm goes off that says. “Text mum”

humblesims · 26/07/2018 13:02

This parenting malarkey’s hard to get right sometimes isn’t it
Yes it is but I think you have made the right decision to apologise and let him go back. It really does no harm to children to let them realise that parents are fallible. Have the chat when he gets home and work out a strategy, but still be strict about contact. Ignore all the previous posters who say you are too strict. 12 is still young to be out and not know if he's safe. Its a good habit to get into for him to just text to let you know.

Ethylred · 26/07/2018 13:03

FGS let this go. No wonder he has trouble with friendships. How controlling do you intend to be when he becomes interested in girls (or boys)?

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 26/07/2018 13:05

That's great hope he has a great day with his friends!!

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