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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make him come home?

101 replies

Divette · 26/07/2018 11:27

DS is 12. He struggles with friendships due to issues in his background and so far these holidays has been moving around at home. When he does go out (to school or occasionally with friends), he is usually really great at letting me know where he is and coming home on time. Yesterday evening he had a text from an old primary school friend asking him to go to his house. I was really pleased for him and asked him just to let me know when he’d arrived (approx 15 mins on his bike). He didn’t. I asked had he arrived and he apologised. I told him if he did that again he would have to come home as I need to know he’s safe. They made arrangements for today and she was so excited. Got himself up and dressed and had breakfast and cake to tell me he was leaving. I said again he must let me know when he arrived. He didn’t. I messaged him to ask had he arrived and he phoned me so apologetic, he had planned to let me know but got distracted etc etc. I told him to come home. He is devastated as they have plans with other friends from primary school and is begging for one more chance. Do I give in and let him stay? Am I being too harsh anyway?

OP posts:
WhatchaMaCalllit · 26/07/2018 13:08

If I were your kid I'd be mortified. My mum phoning me to make sure I'd arrived and then to order me back home again because I didn't phone her to let her know I'd arrived. Then to phone back and say I could stay.
Such conflicting and confusing messages.

You will have to work out a better system that works for both of you. He's 12 and at the start of what is a very difficult time amongst his peers for this kind of (s)mothering parenting. He will have the piss taken out of him by his mates if you keep going and that won't help whatever his background issues are.

Best of luck to you both in getting a compromising solution to this.

SparklyMagpie · 26/07/2018 13:15

Aww bless him! He sounds such a sweetheart!
Hope he has a fab time with his friends

Maybugger · 26/07/2018 13:23

Poor kid 😳
I absolutely agree with WhatchaMaCallIt, you're heading nicely for him being called a 'Mummy's boy' and being ridiculed by his friends.
My DC were children pre-mobile phones, and yes I remember worrying very well!

Anasnake · 26/07/2018 13:27

Poor lad ! I have one the same age, currently out playing football somewhere. He'll be a teen soon, be careful or you'll push him away.

Storminateapot · 26/07/2018 13:28

Does he have a smartphone - sorry I've just skim-read? My kids are older teens but have iPhones and we're all on Find my IPhone - partly so if stolen/lost it can be located or wiped if necessary and partly for their location (I'm on there too and visible on their phones, so they can see where I am if they want/need to).

They say they'll text to say they've arrived safely (eldest drives so I just ask for a quick 'here safe' if she's going any distance) but sometimes/often forget because they're instantly into excited chat mode with their mates & forgotten Mother exists. 😉. As is their right really. I don't do it much these days (as I say, they're older and I'm doing my best to step back) but the fact that I can see where they are if necessary is reassurance in itself.

Is there any app you could put on your DS's phone for the same purpose?

I realise I'll probably get attacked for being able to see where my family are, especially as eldest is 18, but the phones are in my name & I pay the contracts so that's the deal. I don't abuse it and I completely respect their privacy re texts/chat apps/emails etc

Skittlesandbeer · 26/07/2018 13:36

I’d write back ‘Last. Chance.’ and let him stay. I’d also give him a chore to make it up to me. Something not fun. He’s old enough to make reparations when he’s done the wrong thing. Just saying sorry doesn’t give them pause next time.

I use this with my DH as well. Just because you’re sorry you broke my best plate doesn’t make it less broken, or less of a faff to repair/replace. Make it up to me, and put the repair/replace on your own ‘to do’ list. Then I forgive, absolutely. Works for me.

OctaviaOctober · 26/07/2018 13:51

Location sharing or tracking app (with his permission) would set your mind at ease and mean he doesn't have to remember to call.

cpayne351 · 26/07/2018 13:53

Pick your battles, at least he is apologetic, if he gave a load of attitude I would of made him come home but he sounds genuinely sorry. 1 more chance is fine, or maybe tell him to have the phone on loud and call him 20 minutes after he has left instead of him remembering to call you? I would also suggest getting the number of the mums house he is visiting, he will probably be fairly mortified if you rang that so would remember to call you himself!

CrispsAndDip · 26/07/2018 14:11

Comments on here are a bit harsh.

Nobody can get everything right all of the time.

Glad the little fella is happy.

MeridianB · 26/07/2018 14:32

Well done for fixing it, OP. He sounds like a sweetheart.

GabsAlot · 26/07/2018 19:35

unless ive missed a post why does he have to constantly call you

my nephew goes out with his phone and only calls when on way home

Etino · 27/07/2018 06:47

@GabsAlot
Reasons he should call to say he’s arrived...
•he’s 12
•he’s had some friendship difficulties in the past
•it’s obviosly a mile or more away of it take 15 minutes on a bike
•he’s on a bike

All good reasons, and OP was wavering over getting him home for not calling rather than saying an outright no to going out, it was just the checking in.

TooTrueToBeGood · 27/07/2018 07:48

Reasons, reasons, reasons. The thing is, when you think through all the possible risks a parent might imagine, first, they are all incredibly unlikely and second, him calling to say he's arrived does nothing to mitigate them.

Etino · 27/07/2018 07:52
Confused I’m confused at all the resistance to a parent knowing where a 12yo is!
GabsAlot · 27/07/2018 08:39

and what did people do before mobiles never go out?

Flyingpompom · 27/07/2018 08:48

@skittlesandbeer You punish your husband? Bonkers!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 27/07/2018 10:33

I'm really not comfortable with that phone tracking business. We all have iPhones but I've never made DH or teens switch they on! Seems invasive to me.

SparklyMagpie · 27/07/2018 12:14

@skittlesandbeer really? You punished your husband because he broke a plate ?! Confused
I wouldn't put up with that

TrudeauGirl · 27/07/2018 14:31

I use this with my DH as well. Just because you’re sorry you broke my best plate doesn’t make it less broken, or less of a faff to repair/replace. Make it up to me, and put the repair/replace on your own ‘to do’ list. Then I forgive, absolutely. Works for me.

Really??

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/07/2018 14:49

I understand your worry OP. You turned it around though which is good, hopefully he won't forget to text you next time.

HildaZelda · 27/07/2018 15:10

You're being ridiculous and very controlling. No wonder your poor DS has 'issues' and finds it difficult to make friends.

Original poster
Divette · 27/07/2018 15:17

Thank you very much for your vote of confidence Hilda! Grin Maybe read the full thread next time? Smile

Thanks again to all the supportive posters and to those saying he sounds like a lovely lad. He really really is-i’m extremely proud of him. I mentioned he had a difficult past and he has bless him (absolutely not of my making, contrary to why some of you want to believe, but I refuse to be dragged into negatives), but despite this he is very resilient, thoughtful and polite.

He had a great day yesterday and came back and played football on the little park on our road till late last night with a couple of boys from the street. I even let him stay out till 10pm! Wink

Thanks again for the support and reality check!

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/07/2018 15:21

Ignore the idiots that haven't read the thread OP. Honestly they should feel slightly embarrassed!

Skittlesandbeer · 27/07/2018 18:13

I don’t ‘punish’ either my child or my DH, for those who asked. Never said I did.

I do expect that if something is broken (including trust), that some form of reparations are made. Same rules for everyone (over 8yo!), including me.

No plates were broken in the posting of my previous comments, fear not Grin It was an example. When smallish domestic things go wrong I don’t yell, I don’t hold resentment bottled, I don’t become a martyr. I do try to ensure that trust and possessions are treated with respect.

I just don’t see why other team member’s carelessness should somehow automatically generate ‘wife work’ for me.

OP, glad it worked out for you, sounds like a good chap you’ve raised there.

TrudeauGirl · 27/07/2018 18:21

I don’t ‘punish’ either my child or my DH, for those who asked. Never said I did.

I do expect that if something is broken (including trust), that some form of reparations are made. Same rules for everyone (over 8yo!), including me.

My apologies, I jumped to the wrong conclusions with your post. Maybe I'm getting cranky with the heat.