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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU To not appreciate my boss interfering in my personal time!

76 replies

Sparklyglitter · 26/07/2018 09:32

We have a colleague at work who isn’t very pleasant to us, but we all try hard to be nice, say hello have conversations when we have to. But to be fair to us even though we don’t want to, we make a good effort! However she keeps going to our boss and saying we leave her out, we all eat lunch in one building and she chooses to eat lunch in another building with other colleagues. Her most recent complaint was that when one of our group, we are all close as we have lunch everyday and we support each other, was leaving we went out and didn’t invite her. We didn’t invite anyone other than our group either and even then one of us couldn’t make it. For clarity our colleague is always arranging to go out with colleagues in other departments, which some of us work in a lot and never get invited, but we understand that they have friendships that we are not a part of. Also we are not arranging anything to be spiteful to her, we are just good mates, she has her mates and we have ours.

The thing I want to ask is, is it appropriate for our boss to keep suggesting to us that we should invite her out and pulling some of us into her office and asking how our night out was arranged? Was it an email? Who went? Etc...
It feels to me like an invasion of our privacy! Anyone else had this? Any tips? Please be nice, this is a genuine problem at work.

OP posts:

ClaudiaWankleman · 26/07/2018 09:51

I think if it was arranged in work time, as a leaving work thing, then it is right to invite everyone on the team. It sounds like she was the only one to be left out - which doesn't sound nice.

JayoftheRed · 26/07/2018 10:00

It seems a bit off to ask you about nights out. If you're all in one office and out for lunch, then a general "everyone, we're going to the cafe for lunch, all welcome, leaving at 12!" is fine and your colleague can choose whether or not to go. It's not a direct invite, but she/he has been invited.

If you're all mates outside of work too and going out for a meal after work/night on the town, then I don't think an invite for the whole office is necessary nor appropriate. The only thing I would say is make sure that you don's use work emails to organise it - Whatsapp or text or personal emails.

Your colleague has no right to expect to go out with you outside of working hours, especially if they're not really a friend.

I used to work in an office with a woman that I was very close to, she was like a second mum (my first job, I was barely 22 and she was in her 50s and so lovely to me. I miss her). I used to go to her house for dinner now and then, and drop in at weekends. I would never have occurred to me or her to suggest other people in the office join us. But if we nipped to the cafe for lunch, then it was generally known in the office that's what was happening and anyone could join.

In my current office, I occasionally meet up with a colleague who volunteers at a children's play centre and can get me and my kids in for free - I don't think that should be an office-wide invite.

Your boss needs to know that what happens outside of work has nothing to do with work. You of course need to be discreet though and not rub it into your colleague's face that you're all going out without them!

Moreisnnogedag · 26/07/2018 10:05

It’s about whether its arranged using work email or not as I understand it. If it is, then it becomes a “work function” which means it neeeds to be inclusive. If not, then it’s your own business.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 26/07/2018 10:09

I might be saying to your boss "this is quite literally none of your business".

Northernparent68 · 26/07/2018 11:29

Op, I’d be careful as your colleague may be laying the ground work for a bullying claim

Original poster

Sparklyglitter · 26/07/2018 15:32

Thanks guys, this was arranged over Whatsapp as all that went have each other’s numbers, not via work emails. We work in a school and we work in a building away from the main building where the staff room is. The lady in question could choose to sit with us as it’s an open door situation, but chooses to go to the staff room, which is absolutely fine. However when you hang out with people and have lunch everyday you do get closer to each other. So we have got closer and she hasn’t - she Rarely comes down to our building and at the end of the day our lockers are all down here so if we decided to go for a quick impromptu drink it would only be us around to ask.

OP posts:

Biker47 · 26/07/2018 15:48

It sounds like she was the only one to be left out - which doesn't sound nice.

It isn't nice to force people to spend time with people they don't like or are not close to either, why should their feelings overide others?

Berthatydfil · 26/07/2018 15:50

Tell your boss
A you are all friends outside of work
B she makes no effort with your group she chooses not to socialise with your group at lunch times but spends time with other staff elsewhere and you don’t expect to be included in their evenings out so why does she ?
C what you chose to do in your own time is nothing to do with her or your boss

I would however be very careful about discussing these events around her in case she tries to allege you’re bullying her.

Celticlassie · 26/07/2018 16:04

If she's in your department does she not work in the same building as you? So you could stick your head into her room and invite her for a drink?

Metoodear · 26/07/2018 16:06

Just arrange things outside of work and do not use work emails ect

Helloisitteaurlookingfor · 26/07/2018 16:08

I had a similar thing happen to me.

Weekend outing planned for someone elses birthday with 4 people in my team plus someone in another team plus someone who used to work for the company going. After the weekend I and one other person from my team were hauled into a meeting with our manager and told that someone else in my team had made a complaint that they had been left out because they had overheard us talking about it whilst in the office. We were labelled as bullies and told to make sure we don't do anything like that again. Absolutely gobsmacked as it wasn't like we had invited everyone but whoever annon complained and we had had one conversation in the office about it so not as though we had been going on and on about our plans. Never mind the fact it was our spare time!

I'm still gobsmacked that someone decided to claim we were bullying them whoever they may be and what makes it even more hilarious is that our boss later went on to arrange a weekend away with team members but didn't invite everyone! Pot, kettle, black!

Mookatron · 26/07/2018 16:14

I'm not clear where everyone sits for work. If she's in the same team as you or works in the same office/place/department then she is right to feel aggrieved.

Otherwise as long as you're doing all the arranging outside work I don't see why anyone else needs to get involved.

SlartiAardvark · 26/07/2018 16:18

It's interesting, one of the examples in our recent HR Driven training package at work was based around colleagues "deliberately" excluding a team member from lunchtime activities.

Personally I think you shouldn't have to associate with people you don't want to, but as someone says above, she may be laying the groundwork for a bullying claim.

Your boss is just trying to make life easier for himself (not unreasonably) by hoping that you'll sort it out amongst yourselves - personally I wouldn't want to get involved in "playground squabbles" with my team if I could possibly avoid it....

Maelstrop · 26/07/2018 16:18

Go speak to the boss and tell him it isn’t bullying to arrangenights out with your mates. She chooses not to sit with you, you aren’t great mates, why should you be made to be friends with her as tho you were primary aged children? It’s beyond ridiculous!

BottleOfJameson · 26/07/2018 16:36

How does this woman even know about your nights out? If she's the only one in the team not invited it does sound a bit mean if you're plastering pics where she can see or chatting about it around her.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/07/2018 16:37

We were once told that because (as a team) we all knew each other in the office well, it was quite intimidating for somebody new to "break" into our group - the new person had been invited (in a casual "We're going to the canteen - do you want to come?" sort of way) to join us on those days, but had always brought a packed lunch which she chose to eat in the office at her desk. It seemed she felt that we should always stay there to keep her company.

As it happened, she turned out to be an entitled vindictive cow who complained about everyone and everything.

One particular secretary who was incredibly helpful and generous with her time even though she was very, very busy (medical secretary in a busy ENT department) found herself in a disciplinary hearing because she had apparently been "rude" to this cowbag. She was hauled in for a bollocking without even being given the opportunity to give her side of the incident.

The complaining bitch was one of these types who would arrive at the peak time of a busy clinic and just park herself in front of the desk of her victim (doing sod all of her own job) waiting for HER important query to be answered - and it was never a life-threatening enquiry - always something like banal but time-consuming.

Bugger that there were other people who DID have life-or-death queries.

Bramble71 · 26/07/2018 16:50

I'm surprised at your boss even entertaining her moans, to be honest. It's not the sort of thing you go to the boss about, is it? He really should be telling her things like this are none of his business.

BottleOfJameson · 26/07/2018 16:51

It isn't nice to force people to spend time with people they don't like or are not close to either, why should their feelings overide others?

Surely it's just basic kindness not to exclude only one person? If you really don't get on surely you just keep your social life private so she won't know.

GnotherGnu · 26/07/2018 16:54

To be honest, if you're regularly going out together and she is always the one left out, it's never going to look good, no matter how much you say she could join you at other times. She may well feel that she can't, just because it is made so clear that she's not welcome. Would it hurt you to ask her occasionally?

BecauseWeCanCanCan · 26/07/2018 16:57

Sounds like you're excluding her. Just ask her to join you guys, she'll either come and make friends with you a bit more, or decline. I would always ask everyone in the team not leave out one person just because they weren't very nice - that's how cliques usually comfort themselves with excluding someone. It's not great is it?

rinabean · 26/07/2018 17:01

I don't think you should have to invite her to things outside work. That really isn't your boss's business. She's the one distancing herself from you during work hours, I don't understand how anyone could take her claim you're excluding her seriously? But be honest, did you push her out? Then she could complain about that, but still, what you do outside of work is absolutely your business and not hers or your boss's.

HollowTalk · 26/07/2018 17:02

Is this group all women? It really pisses me off that we have to think of others before ourselves all the fucking time.

Rednaxela · 26/07/2018 17:03

It's unfortunate you lot have all clicked and this one person hasn't gelled with the gang.

With the best will in the world it's not a nice situation for anyone to be in, no matter how many mates they might have outside the team/dept.

Be sure there is no one in your gang who is spearheading this leaving out. E.g. openly commenting how odd this colleague is, how antisocial etc. If you can't think who that could be, it might be you. Because that is bullying. Low level but definitely bullying. Increasing and intensifying the negativity around the situation. Doesn't need to be like that.

M3lon · 26/07/2018 17:07

totally agree with bottle

Work leaving do should definitely have been inclusive. That was a really big thing to get wrong. And once you have done that, everything else gets interpreted in the same light.

I would: tell her you all made a mistake regarding the leaving do, you didn't mean to hurt her, you just didn't realise she might want to come. Make it clear she will of course be invited to any further leaving parties.

Then make it clear she is welcome to have lunch with you if she wants to.

You do NOT have to invite her to non work outings, but it is rude/bullying behaviour to bang on during work time about stuff you have all done together that she is always excluded from. Be professional and keep your activities outside of work totally outside of work!

chillpizza · 26/07/2018 17:07

Don’t people just go to work to work anymore. All this fussing over what other colleagues might be doing out side of work hours. Nobody has to be your buddy as long as your not actually mean about her or to her.

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