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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To not appreciate my boss interfering in my personal time!

76 replies

Sparklyglitter · 26/07/2018 09:32

We have a colleague at work who isn’t very pleasant to us, but we all try hard to be nice, say hello have conversations when we have to. But to be fair to us even though we don’t want to, we make a good effort! However she keeps going to our boss and saying we leave her out, we all eat lunch in one building and she chooses to eat lunch in another building with other colleagues. Her most recent complaint was that when one of our group, we are all close as we have lunch everyday and we support each other, was leaving we went out and didn’t invite her. We didn’t invite anyone other than our group either and even then one of us couldn’t make it. For clarity our colleague is always arranging to go out with colleagues in other departments, which some of us work in a lot and never get invited, but we understand that they have friendships that we are not a part of. Also we are not arranging anything to be spiteful to her, we are just good mates, she has her mates and we have ours.

The thing I want to ask is, is it appropriate for our boss to keep suggesting to us that we should invite her out and pulling some of us into her office and asking how our night out was arranged? Was it an email? Who went? Etc...
It feels to me like an invasion of our privacy! Anyone else had this? Any tips? Please be nice, this is a genuine problem at work.

OP posts:
Gabilan · 27/07/2018 06:44

"We have a colleague at work who isn’t very pleasant to us, but we all try hard to be nice, say hello have conversations when we have to"

Sounds pretty grim to have to walk into that every day, knowing that a group of colleagues are friends and that you as a group have conversations with her only "when we have to"

That was how I read it. Interesting update OP that she was eating elsewhere before you all came along, but it sounds to me as if she eats elsewhere because she doesn't feel welcome. This could go either way - from her point of view she may just build bridges elsewhere because she's aware you don't like her.

I'm torn. I've been the one being bullied and excluded. OTOH I've also worked with an utter bitch who could have made the case I was bullying her but I was just trying to keep my distance from someone who had already bullied people out of the workplace.

I would say you need to be very clear what is work and what isn't. At work, you need to be seen to include her, and that includes work leaving dos. Outside of work is your business.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 27/07/2018 06:45

Bullying is very hard to prove, but it sounds like the situation is uncomfortable enough for her to have raised it with your boss. You don’t need to share or include her in what you do in your own time but if it leaks into conduct at work, eg friendship huddles in the staffroom, arrangements made for social events, then it’s an issue and your boss has to address it.

Different conduct is required at work. It’s like people who work in an open plan office complaining about other people listening to or joining in ‘private’ conversations. You can’t exclude people in a work situation just because you don’t like them. You can do what you like in your own time.

strawberrisc · 27/07/2018 06:47

Literally had this situation. Same attitude from colleague. When she was included she was abrasive, argumentative and wanted everything her own way. Really hard work - especially as our group is so chilled that none of us can usually make a decision!

Total nightmare.

Do NOT allow anyone to dictate your friendships. It only leads to disaster.

InfiniteSheldon · 27/07/2018 06:52

We have conversations with her when we have to does make it sound like you habitually exclude her. You personally clearly don't like her do you think it's possible that that the group is starting to bully her without realising it?

Slartybartfast · 27/07/2018 06:56

perhaps the other people arent her mates either op?

just invite her. problem solved. She feels excluded, you may not believe she is excluded but she feels excluded.

CircleofWillis · 27/07/2018 07:11

Whether you are doing it deliberately or not you are excluding her. From your descriptions it sounds as if you are seen as a work group and that she is the only one of this group to be excluded from social events which must make her feel pretty shit to be honest.

bevelino · 27/07/2018 07:13

OP, as other posters have warned, your colleague may raise bullying allegations against you and your group. Please take on board that speaking to a colleague “ when we have to” and excluding a single colleague from a leaving event can constitute bullying.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/07/2018 07:19

I agree . It’s the use of ‘we’ that’s the isssue

We don’t
We do

Whatever way you slice it or dice it your friendship is creeping into professional time

Always a no no

OliviaStabler · 27/07/2018 07:19

I think you have to be very careful about work nights out from here on. She has already complained and, if that keeps happening, she could have a case for bullying.

No discussions in the office about any group gatherings, no inviting each other to anything inside or outside of work within her earshot etc. Sounds OTT but she is clearly someone with a bee in her bonnet and, to be frank, it is very clear from your OP that you all dislike her so she could build up a good case if she can cite examples of this 'exclusion'.

I hope none of you have added her on social media?

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 27/07/2018 07:31

Agree that the 'we' is telling. And what's 'our group'? You don't mean a work team, surely, because then you'd say 'team'. This is supposed to be work, but tbh it sounds like school and your boss as if she is having to manage teen girl group dynamics.

It reads to me as if your boss has had enough of your use of work communication paths and systems (email) to arrange social events and making others feel excluded into the bargain.

If you want to spend time with these people outside work, do so, by all means, but arrange it outside work time and off work systems.

ImAIdoot · 27/07/2018 07:41

Imaldoot - we most certainly do not rub her nose in our friendship and don’t feel comfortable about talking about our private lives as she goes to other staff and makes comments. The reason she found out was because another member of staff was on their own independently at the same place and we felt we should invite him to join us, it didn’t occur to us that we needed to tell him to keep it quiet because we didn’t plan the event with excluding anyone we planned it because we like each other and have appreciated each other this year.

I understand, but none of that matters once it is on your manager's radar and HR are involved. Just as you have to do your job, she has to do hers and part of that is being seen to respond to complaints, especially when it comes to things that are said to target one person.

The rule of thumb is your colleague and your manager should not have to find out about it, then there is no potential for it being seen as bullying by colleague or being something your manager (even begrudgingly) has to get involved in.

Letting it get to that stage is the mistake, no judgment of your intentions is needed. No justification is needed either, it actually won't matter if you don't get it off manager's radar ASAP.

I would say sorry she felt like that, we will remove all arrangement of and discussion of such meet ups from the workplace from now on. Also perhaps do lunch with the person and be nice - it is just possible they genuinely do feel sad because of this, so as well as helping your case it would be the charitable and nice thing to do.

adaline · 27/07/2018 08:02

It does sound extremely cliquey, I have to say. And having worked somewhere where I was excluded - it's not very nice to constantly feel left out all the time.

If you're going to socialise with people out of work, at least keep it quiet and don't mention it at work - knowing you're being left out of things is a really horrible feeling.

Hadalifeonce · 27/07/2018 08:09

Am I right in thinking that you don't work in an 'office' environment, i.e. all have your own desks which you sit at most of the day?
If this is the case, and you are friendly with a group of people from around the organisation, who are all mobile, some of whom you choose to socialise with (lunch together, evenings out together, arranged by whatsapp, not work email), and some you don't, then I don't see how this can be anybody's business but your own. This lady was eating her lunch in the staff room before you arrived on the scene, I assume she must be closer to the people she already lunched with than you? Her socialising with people other than you, is not seen as excluding you, why should the opposite be seen any differently?

MaisyPops · 27/07/2018 08:17

Tread carefully. It sounds like she could be laying the foundations for a bullying claim.

I can think of someone (A) who claims they've been excluded and pushed out at every workplace they've been in. Lots of sob stories. I made an effort with them. They were a bitch and kept to their crew. But if anyone else met up or chatted or went for coffee then she'd go to the line manager naming people who were excluding her. They did quite well out of it because they created this persona of 'poor A just tries her best to be nice'.

I realised quite quickly that if people claim to be the victim in every place they've been then stay away as they are more likely to have been the problem.

AaronPurrSir · 27/07/2018 09:16

Her socialising with people other than you, is not seen as excluding you, why should the opposite be seen any differently?

This was the exact situation when I dealt with something like this. It was perfectly fine for her to socialise with whoever she wanted outside of work, in events that didn’t include everyone, but the second she wasn’t included in something she was being “bullied”.

People being closer and having friendships with certain people over others is not “bullying”.

Starlight345 · 27/07/2018 09:26

How does she even know about your social life ?

montenuit · 27/07/2018 10:17

she wasn’t the only one not invited. Most people weren’t invited

sorry but that isn't what it sounded like in your opening posts... in that case, absolutely fine!

Original poster
Sparklyglitter · 27/07/2018 10:35

Hadalifeonce - Thanks for bearing with all you write is correct.

OP posts:
QueenDaisy · 27/07/2018 10:38

She needs to grow up. What you do in your personal time has nothing to do with your boss or work colleagues who you do not socialise with outside of work.

80sMum · 27/07/2018 10:44

How bizarre! It seems that your boss is treating you all like schoolchildren! It's absolutely nothing to do with him/her who you choose to socialise with!

Where I work, a few years ago a group of us used occasionally to go out in the evening to the local cinema or for a pub meal. I was chatting to a colleague recently and saying that it's a shame we don't do it anymore and maybe we could start it up again. I was a bit surprised when she said that apparently the others do still do it - but she and I are not invited! Oh well! Do I give a stuff? Nope! what's more I wouldn't dream of complaining to the boss about it! After all, I'm 60, not 6! Grin

BecauseWeCanCanCan · 27/07/2018 12:23

How do you all know that 'we' don't like her unless you talk about her? Also, how does she know that you all go out together in the evening unless you talk about it in front of her?

We have a colleague at work who isn’t very pleasant to us, but we all try hard to be nice, say hello have conversations when we have to. But to be fair to us even though we don’t want to, we make a good effort!

How is that not being a bully? That all of you agree that you don't want to talk to her but you make a good effort? You must have been bitching about her to each other to reach that hive mind conclusion. Nasty.

Gemini69 · 27/07/2018 14:40

I'm curious to see how the OP's Employer is going to enforce an 'out of office' friendship... this will be very interesting... Grin

SlartiAardvark · 27/07/2018 15:26

I'm curious to see how the OP's Employer is going to enforce an 'out of office' friendship.

He doesn't have to, but when the woman raises a grievance with HR for bullying he can say, hand on heart, that he's raised it with the OP.

NoTeaNoShadeNoPinkLemonade · 27/07/2018 15:44

Oh this is ridiculous!
You'll have to invite her to your birthday party OP or she might tell her mum on you Grin

QueenDaisy · 27/07/2018 16:43

NoTeaNoShadeNoPinkLemonade

That made me chuckle Smile

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