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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To not appreciate my boss interfering in my personal time!

76 replies

Sparklyglitter · 26/07/2018 09:32

We have a colleague at work who isn’t very pleasant to us, but we all try hard to be nice, say hello have conversations when we have to. But to be fair to us even though we don’t want to, we make a good effort! However she keeps going to our boss and saying we leave her out, we all eat lunch in one building and she chooses to eat lunch in another building with other colleagues. Her most recent complaint was that when one of our group, we are all close as we have lunch everyday and we support each other, was leaving we went out and didn’t invite her. We didn’t invite anyone other than our group either and even then one of us couldn’t make it. For clarity our colleague is always arranging to go out with colleagues in other departments, which some of us work in a lot and never get invited, but we understand that they have friendships that we are not a part of. Also we are not arranging anything to be spiteful to her, we are just good mates, she has her mates and we have ours.

The thing I want to ask is, is it appropriate for our boss to keep suggesting to us that we should invite her out and pulling some of us into her office and asking how our night out was arranged? Was it an email? Who went? Etc...
It feels to me like an invasion of our privacy! Anyone else had this? Any tips? Please be nice, this is a genuine problem at work.

OP posts:
AbeautifulBeast · 26/07/2018 17:21

This really gets on my nerves, adults making friends at work happens! Why should she be included just because they work together? I don't think it is bullying to arrange a night out without someone you don't get on with.
Why would she even want to go knowing she hasn't gelled with anyone there!

viques · 26/07/2018 17:23

I think it is interesting that your heading is "my boss interfering in my personal time", but the rest of your post is all we and our . Have you appointed yourself spokesperson for the group? I know MN is often accused of being a festering nest of vipers but when I read your post my sympathies were with your colleague who has to go into work every morning to the wave of hostility I felt rising from your post. It sounds like a noxious environment, I wouldn't want to eat lunch with you all either.

BecauseWeCanCanCan · 26/07/2018 17:29

I agree with you viques. This opening line from the OP:

"We have a colleague at work who isn’t very pleasant to us, but we all try hard to be nice, say hello have conversations when we have to"

Sounds pretty grim to have to walk into that every day, knowing that a group of colleagues are friends and that you as a group have conversations with her only "when we have to".

If she posted here, you lot would be seen as a bunch of cliquey people making her life a misery. I absolutely hate that mindset at work, when I started at my current job there was that atmosphere and it was vile. Everyone should be included, and ask people along.

Meh, I bet you can justify it because 'we all think she's not very nice'.

montenuit · 26/07/2018 17:34

Surely it's just basic kindness not to exclude only one person? If you really don't get on surely you just keep your social life private so she won't know.

THIS.

You can't leave out just one person. That's quite horrible actually.

HermioneGoesBackHome · 26/07/2018 17:35

It’s like all the playgroup stuff all again.
You can’t let one person out, it’s bullying etc etc. You have to play with everyone and invitee evryine to your b’day party.

There is a big difference between deliberately excluding someone and not getting on with people.

I also agree that this woman is laying the ground for bullying complain. She has no right to have to be invited at something during the evening or at weekend just because she in the same team sorry.
That sort of attitude will only manage to ensure that either people are getting together but it will be hidden away (so even more chance to exclude someone!). Or people will be weary to become close and younwill loose a lot of the team spirit.

MaryandMichael · 26/07/2018 17:39

You work in a school? Bullying is endemic in schools, amongst staff. Check yourself - are you actually bullying her? You might be.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 26/07/2018 17:39

Can I say though that working in An environment when all colleagues are friends , regularly socialise and then talk about it at work is not very pleasant ? It’s a bit cliquey and isolating
So live your life but be more discreet and try and walk in her shoes ?

posieperkinandpootle · 26/07/2018 17:40

I'm glad I don't work with her OP. I met DH at work and he applied for a transfer once we decided to move in together. But before that there were many nights where we'd go straight out after work for a drink or food and he'd end up back at mine for the night. By her reasoning we would've had to include her for a threesome.

ImAIdoot · 26/07/2018 17:46

If you're all on the same team, the only really valid reason to leave them out of team socialisation is that they don't want to be involved.

If nkt, and you are doing social stuff involving everyone else in the office which they are not a part of, there are two acceptable things that can happen:

  1. They find out because you ask them along
  2. It never gets arranged or mentioned in the workplace and they don't find out about it, ie it is not work related

There is no option 3 of let them know about it but they can sod off, this is unprofessional and hostile. I would be asking questions if the people I manage did this too, because at the point it gets to me you have over stepped the mark in a way that can affect workplace morale.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 26/07/2018 18:11

I suspect your boss has spoken to HR and is following advice from them. Whether you and the others meet up in your own time is beside the point. Your colleague clearly feels excluded at work. That’s a management issue.

Sparklyglitter · 26/07/2018 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sparklyglitter · 26/07/2018 22:08

Myimaginarycathasfleas I suspect you might be right, what gets me is the hypocrisy that she can make plans with who she likes at our work environment, but complains if we do!

OP posts:
Sparklyglitter · 26/07/2018 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sparklyglitter · 26/07/2018 22:16

maryandmicheal I am very aware what bullying is and can assure you that none of us, is in anyway doing this and am surprised you could even think that from the snippet I wrote. I’m not going to share here everything she’s done to us, but it’s a lot, but we choose to rise above and not be petty.

OP posts:
AaronPurrSir · 26/07/2018 22:18

I’ve been in this exact same situation and it’s draining and pathetic Angry the person in question was more than happy to go to events that didn’t include everyone as long as she was invited, but when she wasn’t (for valid reasons, she simply wasn’t close to the organiser) then suddenly it was bullying and she was being left out. It was very hypocritical.

Luckily the bosses were very firm in what people did in their personal lives was nothing to do with anyone in work, and people were entitled to spend time with whoever they wanted.

You are all adults and no one should be forced to spend time outside work with people they don’t want to.

Original poster
Sparklyglitter · 26/07/2018 22:22

Claudiawamkleman she wasn’t the only one not invited. Most people weren’t invited. All the people we sit with and have lunch everyday and have supported each other through thick and thin were invited.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklyglitter · 26/07/2018 22:25

Thank-you I’ll definitely bear that in mind. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklyglitter · 26/07/2018 22:27

Thank-you I’m glad to hear we’re not the only ones! X

OP posts:
PinkBalloonsAndCherryCoke · 26/07/2018 22:30

I'm afraid it does sound like you all bully her. Especially the 'we don't think she's very nice' part. Clearly you all bitch about her to find out that you 'all' don't like her. No wonder she feels the way she does!

Gemini69 · 26/07/2018 22:46

so let me get this straight in my own mind......

your Boss in your place of employment.. is asking you to include a woman from your office 'you're not friendly with' out on events at weekends in your own time ? is that correct ? Hmm

Original poster
Sparklyglitter · 27/07/2018 06:17

No she doesn’t work in the same building as us - none of us are stuck to one building during the day we move around. But at the end of the day she collects her things wherever she keeps them, I have no idea where and the rest of us have lockers together, just us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklyglitter · 27/07/2018 06:19

Gemini69 Yes, it’s plain weird!

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 27/07/2018 06:29

If our group is by any reasonable definition a collection of people at work minus her then it’s bullying, by going to lunch and leaving dos without her and clearly discussing other nights out. She eats lunch elsewhere? Still sounds like bullying , what would a bullied person do? Sit there trying not to feel actively avoided or try and meet someone so they didn’t feel that way? From the later updates it may not be bullying but it certainly bears a lot of the hallmarks of bullying.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/07/2018 06:32

Say if there’s a work funded social event on Work time then of course you’ll socialise with her.

I don’t think this sounds like bullying. I get invited to some things in Work but not to others. It’s fine. If you want to go to an event you can always organise one yourself.

ivykaty44 · 27/07/2018 06:35

I was once told if it’s arranged with work email then everyone has to be invited.. not sure if it is true but the boss asked us to verbally make arrangements outside of work

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