Parents saying 'no thank you' to manage behaviour

[oppossum]

I’m hearing this a lot suddenly,

Eg

Small toddler trying to run off, no thank you being repeated

Or

Hitting siblings etc, no thank you

It seems so wishy washy and non directive, even if you want to use positive language. Wouldn’t you at least say ‘stay near mummy’ or ‘kind hands’ or ‘only touching children’s things please. (Though I’m more of a clear ‘no’ person with small toddlers than need to be told immediately not to do something dangerous).

Is this just my neck of the woods, or is it a new thing? I’m on holiday and they were doing it here too, one kid was being a bit of a nightmare- an eight year old approx in a queue bumping off people and running up and down with flailing arms. Was told no thank you about 20 times...

I heard one of my adult dc turning down a (cheeky) request by their sibling with 'no thank you'. It didn't even fit the question, iyswim!

I don't even like "kind hands" because it's too confusing for children who are very black and white. Hands can't BE kind. The person in charge of them can.

This "no thank you" business has probably come from some shite book on parenting kindly. And it's probably meant as a non-aggressive way to deal with a child hitting you or something.

Kathryn Mewes i.e. 3 Day Nanny does this a bit doesn't she? But only a bit, combined with all the other stricter things you've suggested. Maybe people have seen it on there?

We've had this suggested but slightly differently - the thank you bit reinforces that they will do/are doing the request.

So - could you link your socks up, thank you, you are so helpful

I think it worked a bit, but wasn't quite the same as the op

It's a bit naff. I find a Nessa style "OH!" more effective.

I have to say I've never heard that. I'm definitely a sharp 'No' person, followed up by 'you DO NOT HIT and if I see you doing that again we shall leave/you will not get icecream/toy removed' and TBH by age 5 a simple no is all thats needed because they know I mean business. They are nice, well mannered (mostly) teens now so I havent scarred them for life. I don't get the wishy washy 'don't do that dahling' thing, whenever I've heard a parent with this approach the dc usually carry on doing the thing and totally ignore the parent. Kind of like your scenario by the sounds.

Noef - my 17yr old sister still does this: "Can you get me some juice, thanks, I love you" all in one breath. It makes it very hard to say no 😂

I found a quick no Thankyou can very often stop behaviour resulting in no other action to be taken. Quick and effective but each to their own. It bviously won't work for every child.

Thank you is an assumption of the action taking place. It is a less aggressive way of saying "do this, now"

As a teacher I use it, "Billy, stop flipping your bottle, thank you."

It's less wishy washy than please, as please is a request.

Would I use it as a parent. Yes.....but it tends to be accompanied with the teacher tone and look my kids know means "mum means this"

Just t add it's not said in a wishy washy way it's a stern no Thankyou and my son knows exactly this is the point to stop.

One of my charges is at a Montessori and they do a lot of this. It's all about managing feelings so if a child snatches for example, they have a big chat on the resulting feelings. It's all ridiculously wishy washy.

Apparently 'my' three year old needs to work on managing his emotions. I almost said 'no shit, he's three!'

an eight year old approx in a queue bumping off people and running up and down with flailing arms. Was told no thank you about 20 times...

This made me laugh!
Ahh, the gentle voice of a 'parent' being completely ignored!
On the opposite side is the sergeant major barking of orders every 2 minutes.
I'm not a fan of either side, There has to be a balance.

And it's probably meant as a non-aggressive way to deal with a child hitting you or something.

Yes, I hate it when the child has already gone off on one and is just being told 'no thank you' because the parent is trying to be 'gentle' or whatever.

But as a warning, with a bit of a look, I find 'no thank you' to be quite effective.

I use it, in a firm way. So if my son hits me (which he does - ASD) I very firmly say "No thank you. We do not hit. No thank you."

That way I have told him no but in a polite way because I am trying to teach him manners. I have also instructed - we do not hit.

If he does it again, the thank you is gone. No. We do not hit.

If it continues, he then loses his toy/iPad etc. That often ends in more hitting or tears so it doesn't always work.

Saying no thank you instead of just no makes it sound like the hitting (or verbal abuse or whatever) is something he is giving me - something both he and I have a choice in. He is choosing to hit. I am choosing to make him stop. Same as if he was forcing a cake on me.

"Have this cake Mummy"
"No thank you"
"I insist you have this cake"
"No. I don't want it"

Only in this instance:
WHACK!
"No thank you. We do not hit."
THUMP!
"NO! We do not hit."

It generally works and it does mean that I don't go immediately into yelling at him.

It's all in the voice/body language.

In that baby voice thing a lot of people do 'no thank you' is easily ignored.
A sharp 'No Thank you' with a scowl to match works a treat (and admittedly turns a 'polite' request into something else altogether )

I do this. I say it when my children are doing or about to do something naughty or silly. It's kind of a shorthand way of saying, "Stop slopping your milk all over the table and eat your breakfast properly, thank you." I'm certainly not a wishy-washy parent.

It probably comes from when I did a behaviour management course a while ago (I'm a teacher) and the idea was to give the child a command and then say thank you because you're assuming that they'll do as they're told. It's meant to come across as polite but direct and difficult to argue against.

What the fuck is wrong with "Pack that in now"?

'Kind hands' is vomit-worthy, although on the plus side it could embarrass the kid into stopping

It's also easily switched round by the child.

Parent: 'Come on now, its time to go to bed/have a bath/put your shoes on'
Child 'No thank you'

I don't think it's the words as much as the delivery. If it's said sharply and firmly and has the desired effect then it doesn't really matter what the words are.

I second @werideatdawn

An OH! With a face, you're golden.

We use 'no thank you' in our house. When the kids are rolling about together, climbing on each other or playing together, if one wants to stop they say 'no thank you' and the other knows that game is over. I see it a lot at toddler groups too, dc might start to bug each other but will stop when the other says 'no thank you'. I say it to the dc if I've had enough of being generally hung off. Not sure why it, in and of itself is wishy washy. It means just that, no thank you. I'm not a fan of 'Oi!' because I think i'do be embarrassed if they shouted it at me. I use 'Stop!' for dangerous situations and 'No!' for very naughty things. 'No thank you' is also used at my dc's pre school so they all seem to get it.

Might work for some children/some situations. DS (9yo) has ADHD and up until maybe the past year it would have been an utter waste of time.

I'm a big fan of describing what you want to see. A lot of kids need you to put a picture in their heads and saying "Don't..." or "Stop..." doesn't paint a picture, or if it does, it's the opposite of what you want, try NOT to think of a nice slice of gooey chocolate cake - what do you get?

It needs to be short and to the point, ideally 3 words:

"Bottom on seat!"
"Put that down!"
or in dire straits "Freeze!"

Plus a count down if needs be.

Friends are fans of "No thank you" and claim their youngest is as stubborn as a mule. If I went about DS like that I'd still be my old house trying to get pants on him to get to nursery, I'd have lost job and home as I'd never have got to work for the last 6 years.

It's a bit naff. I find a Nessa style "OH!" more effective

I heard myself doing this to my 5 year old the other day. I’m not even remotely Welsh but Nessa would have been proud
‘OH!! DidimusDD! No!’

Saying 'please' is wishy washy? Each to their own. I'll be sticking with it thank you.