Parents saying 'no thank you' to manage behaviour

[oppossum]

I’m hearing this a lot suddenly,

Eg

Small toddler trying to run off, no thank you being repeated

Or

Hitting siblings etc, no thank you

It seems so wishy washy and non directive, even if you want to use positive language. Wouldn’t you at least say ‘stay near mummy’ or ‘kind hands’ or ‘only touching children’s things please. (Though I’m more of a clear ‘no’ person with small toddlers than need to be told immediately not to do something dangerous).

Is this just my neck of the woods, or is it a new thing? I’m on holiday and they were doing it here too, one kid was being a bit of a nightmare- an eight year old approx in a queue bumping off people and running up and down with flailing arms. Was told no thank you about 20 times...

What the fuck is wrong with "Pack that in now"?

Pack what in? it is as ambiguous as "Kind hands".

Worra nothing I suppose, I just wouldn't really like to hear my dc saying 'pack it in!' to other kids, or even worse adults!

I use it sometimes. It’s the tone of voice more than what you say I think.

They used to use this at the last Nursery I worked at.
A firm No! Is all that is required.

I use it. There's a 'tone'; I work in a primary school, and it works well at school. And my children know exactly what I mean when I say it and halts a lot of bubbling up behaviour issues.

Doesn't matter what I say or how I say it, my toddler ignores me as a matter of principle

I say 'no, thank you' as it's what I was trained to say as a nursery nurse, combined with if I was barking "NO" at him constantly then someone would have something to say about that too.

I do usually mix it up a bit and use both 'kind hands' and 'be gentle' just to keep it fresh and interesting for me.

@WorraLiberty

Totally agree.

Ha I do this but I don't think I've picked it up from anywhere in particular. Certainly not said in a wishy washy way though, a stern "uuurm no thank you". I say it for small things or to prevent bad behaviour iyswim. So if she is going to touch something that she knows she isn't allowed to or is trying to stand up on the sofa etc I'll say "erm no thank you" and she stops. Hitting or running away requires more than "no thank you".

@werideatdawn
I tell mine I'll hit them with 11 big sticks when we get home if they don't stop.
Not one of them has ever received so much as a slap so they know it's not real, but it tends to stop them in their tracks and make them giggle then we're nicely distracted for 10 mins

I use it if DD Is doing something I'd prefer she wasn't but that isn't dangerous like emptying cupboards or reaching for things in supermarket etc. I do usually add a description of why I'm saying it though like "no thank you, we don't empty mummys cupboards" is that the same? Or do you just mean people who say no thank you and nothing else, I think that would be confusing especially to a toddler.

Well I tell you what I wouldn't like to hear and that's a polite little 'No thank you', from a child who may be being pinched, punched or slapped by another.

They need to find their voices early and make their position very clear, if something is being done to them that they're not happy with.

So STOP! is the most sensible option imo and also a fairly easy word to teach toddlers.

an eight year old approx in a queue bumping off people

I completely misread this and thought, just for a moment, that there'd been a primary-age spree killer rampage.

I have a friend who's done it for the past 20 years.

Personally I went for "stop!". Followed by a short explanation.

She and her D.C. think I'm a bit short/strict. DH and I think she's ineffectual. All our DC have turned out ok. Mine do exactly as I say immediately. Hers don't.

It can sometimes be effective in a 'positve parenting' type of way, particularly with older ie KS2 age children.

eg Child hits sibling, 'we don't hit as that hurts... thank you for stopping, that was a good choice... can you tell me what is making you angry and we can think about how best to deal with it' etc.

If it's done quickly and firmly, as it builds an alliance between you and the child (rather than the conflict of yes/no) and can diffuse situations.

If it's not effective first time, then it's not going to be after the 20th though....

*MoonsAndJunes

It's also easily switched round by the child.

Parent: 'Come on now, its time to go to bed/have a bath/put your shoes on'
Child 'No thank you'*

My youngest does this. She's so polite in her refusal to do things. Not sure where she got it, but it's hilarious. I think maybe it's from being the youngest and socialising with older kids who are generally more mannered than toddlers. I don't know - it's not from me anyway.

I find it more effective than just a no. It’s all in the tone and less likely to get back chat.

We use it in school. It is especially effective with kids with additional needs. It tends to be "No thank you, we keep our feet on the floor". It is a positive focus requesting the desired behaviour. Just requestion the desired behaviour often doesn't work as they don't hear the initial request. Using than you has so far stopped the kids who can't cope with the word no from becoming too upset.
However like all language and communication it often comes down to how you say it.

@SpacePenguin if you say "No" then you get instead:

Parent: 'Come on now, its time to go to bed/have a bath/put your shoes on'
Child 'No'

If you use longer phrases then you get:
Parent: 'Come on now, its time to go to bed/have a bath/put your shoes on'
Child 'I don't want to'

It just doesn't sound polite.

Depends how it is used.

"Toby! Don't do that. Thank you." (the thank you on complying) makes sense.

It's not a good idea to yell or be sharp with children straight off for the slightest misdemeanour and is always good to praise good behaviour. There have been loads of parents on Supernanny and the like just yelling at their kids all day and the children don't know if they are coming or going and the parents are exhausted.

Like starting off at the breakfast table, nagging them to sit up straight, hold their spoon correctly, etc etc where the child felt they couldn't do anything right.

There has to be some kind of measured response and escalation, and following through with any punishments, but the best way to discipline kids is to demonstrate that being good is the best choice, the one that gets positive attention.

I hate this, and I was raised this way.

I prefer very clear, positive instructions. "Touch your brother gently" "eat at the table" "get down from that high ledge"

I say no thank you when I don't want to accept my two year olds offer of smushy food.

I feel like I must be on another planet reading this thread I've literally never heared 'thank you' used like this...only when you're actually thanking them for something (like 'oh a bite for me? Thank you!')

I ask them to do/stop something politely first and use please...so 'stop waving the spoon around and eat properly please'.

If it progresses the request bit (please) is stopped and they'd get 'right, I've asked once already, now stop it right now'.

And then punishment if necessary. But thank you? It just sounds odd, I can't imagine ever saying 'eat properly thank you'...that should just be please surely?

I always found a “no” with a strong voice and stern look worked! Parents need to strictly set boundaries rather than politely asking toddlers not to do something. Kids need to grow up with respect for authority

You also learn to pick your battles.

DD1 let's say, knew her own mind very well from being a toddler and has always known exactly what she wanted to wear, so she has been picking out her clothes to wear in the morning since she was 2 years old (within reason). And wanted to do everything herself, even when she couldn't.

Other parents say "Well, I would never put up with that, I just put DC's clothes out for them, they get a choice when they can afford to buy their own clothes."

DD2 on the other hand would rather run around naked or just wear her PJs, and is happy for me to pick her clothes out and was slow to learn to dress herself.

It wasn't because I was using a different parenting strategy, they had different personalities.

I was a foster carer and childminder, and obviously did not smack the children I cared for. One day we were wandering round some gardens, and kept bumping into a family who had a little girl aged about three. Every time we saw them, the child was in a strop about something, and the parents were trying to reason with her. At about the 4th time, 23 month old F turned to me and said "Mama - that girl needs a great big smack!" I have to add that F is 32 now, and things were different then! You did see people smacking misbehaving children sometimes!

I always found a “no” with a strong voice and stern look worked! Parents need to strictly set boundaries rather than politely asking toddlers not to do something. Kids need to grow up with respect for authority

Asking is no problem to start with unless what they are doing is really unkind/naughty/unsafe, then a sharp no and grabbing them if required is better.

Harry, use your fork properly please is better than "No!" Then an escalation if he doesn't then do it.

Kids need to grow up with love, kindness and consistency and to know when to obey authority and when the authority is abusing their position.