Parents saying 'no thank you' to manage behaviour

[oppossum]

I’m hearing this a lot suddenly,

Eg

Small toddler trying to run off, no thank you being repeated

Or

Hitting siblings etc, no thank you

It seems so wishy washy and non directive, even if you want to use positive language. Wouldn’t you at least say ‘stay near mummy’ or ‘kind hands’ or ‘only touching children’s things please. (Though I’m more of a clear ‘no’ person with small toddlers than need to be told immediately not to do something dangerous).

Is this just my neck of the woods, or is it a new thing? I’m on holiday and they were doing it here too, one kid was being a bit of a nightmare- an eight year old approx in a queue bumping off people and running up and down with flailing arms. Was told no thank you about 20 times...

I'm loving the idea of a Nessa style "OH!" I'm totally stealing this.

When my 18 month old was at nursery this was always used by his teachers. For some reason it has stuck with me even though now he is a teenager. I find I use it as well with my toddler nieces and nephews to this day!

I use 'no thank you' with my 5 year old. I am quite a strict parent, and would not describe myself as wishy washy at all! Said in a firm tone, it works nicely and she knows I am taking no shit. All about the context really.

My Gdd (3) has started talking in a big-sister-ish fashion of 'making good choices' to her little brother of just 2! It's obv. come from their (very good) nursery. He doesn't seem to take it at all amiss.

I’ve honestly never heard a parent use this. I shall keep my ears open from now but I’m guessing it really does depend on the child. My middle daughter would burst into tears if I just said “oh Amy” when I found her tipping the cat biscuits out of their bowl, not “oh Amy” in a stern voice, just slightly exasperated.
I’m sure No thank you is nicer than screaming or smacking.

DS has been taught to say this at nursery if someone is being mean to him. There's a biter, and I know he says it to the biter when he's been bitten :(

He also says "Shhhhh quiet" to us if we're telling him off for anything! Think Nursery must say it to him if he's being noisy.

They do this at DS nursery for some reason.

I give zero shits about how others parent their kids to be honest.

Another teacher here who uses thank you in this type of situ. It assumes compliance. Also a lot is in the tone in which it’s said. I didn’t think it seemed that weird when I read your post.

Ugh, I don't know whether I have some sort of ingrained prejudice in me or maybe I was traumatised by inappropriate parenting techniques when I was a child, but I do find all this 'gentle parenting' stuff totally cringey. All this 'kinds hands', 'gentle hands', 'don't say 'no', explain to your 2-year old about his/her feelings', 'mummy's leg/feeling are hurt', etc. seems to be like a massive headfuck. Especially for 2-3 year olds. And it's also grammatically objectionable.

I don't see how this approach can teach anyone to deal with their emotions effectively. On the contrary, it seems to be about protecting the child from even a minor experience of anxiety or self-doubt, which certainly cannot be good.

Disclaimer: Critique above does not apply to children with SEN.

I think I say this. Usually as a first warning said in quite a stern way

"Erm, No thank you DS"

Followed up with (if the behaviour continues)

"DS. No."

Next stage is to get down on his level. Hold both hands. Ensure he is listening and tell him in no uncertain terms that if it continues there will be no ice cream / TV / we will go home / he will go to his room etc...

I give zero shits about how others parent their kids to be honest. confused

⬆️This!

Firm fan of No thank you here. Also a well placed Nessa style 'oh!' if no thank you hasn't worked, usually followed by 'that's a shame, you'll have to play another game/with someone else etc if you continue'
Also good firm instructions like 'feet on the floor' instead of no kicking, 'hands down/on your lap' to the child on the carpet who is constantly prodding at their neighbour or twiddling their hair. It works, in my experience.
'gentle hands' makes me vom a bit, and I worked in early years for donks. I just won't use it. It makes no sense really and most children just look at you like

@BlueBug45

Not sure what you mean. I was just commenting that my dd does the extremely polite 'no thank you' if she doesn't want to do something.

I don't use that phrase with her, or her older siblings so I don't know where it comes from. I say 'no' and 'stop' very firmly. Perhaps nursery.

But her tone is so funny - she says it all light and airy, like what you told her to do was actually something nice you offered and she's politely declining. It's very impressive.

I have actually had it used on me by a child before, which was the funniest story in the staffroom that day. I was sitting at a table doing an activity with a group of 5 children, and desperately needed the toilet (too much coffee) but it was only 5 mins til break time so I was jigging my leg about somewhat. One of the children, a 5 yo girl put her hand on my knee and said 'no thank you Mrs Mud' in the most serious tone. It actually shocked me into stopping

Maybe it's a way of managing the parents anger

Well I’m a cm. If I go out in public shouting ‘pack it in’ or ‘enough!’ You can bet your arse people would be in here slagging me off.

It's certainly not wishy washy in the tone of voice I deliver it in at school. It has exactly the same meaning as 'PACK THAT IN!' It's actually one of my firmest reprimands and means I absolutely do not expect to see x/y/z repeated.

Just like 'Excuse me?' means the same as NEVER SAY THAT IN MY HEARING AGAIN.

Not if the kid you were talking to was hurting theirs, Georgie.

Having said that, this is Mumsnet and very often it doesn't reflect real life thank god

Maybe not the victims parents, but onlookers. They would. I feel judged all the time and read constantly about people judging cms about isolated incidents and everyone piling in with ‘report them, they sound awful ‘ etc

I do it. I noticed my sil and mil doing it with sil’s dcs years before my first was even conceived and was a bit , don’t you just mean “no, stop doing that”?

But lo and behold, when my eldest was verbal, I found myself saying it a lot. I haven’t read any parenting books which recommend it, so it definitely isn’t that. I just think it gets the message across that no I do not want that behaviour. I don’t say it in a wishy washy way at all, if it’s something like hitting. More a (nessa style) “OH! No THANK you! We do not hit thank you very much”. I do also use no “as a complete sentence” if it calls for it.

I do a Er Excuse me - with tone and accompanying look that that means you know dam well not to do that so stop now.

Has worked since they were young - but I know the situations I can expect them to know that behaviour isn't acceptable- and I can always go over that it they either don't or pretend not to.

Can't be that mad as seems to work instantly on their friends as well. I use no and why as well when appropriate or clear instructions.

I know there are children who need everything explicitly and clearly state every single time but my children often just needed a reminder or knowledge they’d been clocked so were getting away with it.

I don't think it is as easy as saying "that's too wishy washy" - different things work for different families.

Of course if the behaviour management techniques aren't working, then that is a different issue, but the problem isn't that the technique is wrong, it is that it is wrong for that particular child.