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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To envy 'proper grown ups'?

246 replies

RedZebra · 26/07/2018 00:15

Lately I've been thinking about how I wish I was more of a 'proper grown up' and feeling a bit of Envy towards people who are. Here's my list of what IMHO makes a proper grown up:

People who seem to have their shit together:

  • Have good financial plans / approach e.g. stuff like
    • mortgage paid off early in life
    • pensions
    • ISAs
    • second homes
    • homes they rent out
  • Seem confident and decisive
  • Have some kind of polish / upstanding citizen feel about them (hard to put finger on this)
  • Not big drinkers or pot smokers
  • Have interests and hobbies e.g. triathlon, cycling
  • Have regular holidays planned well in advance
  • Have regular idyllic seeming big family meals and get togethers at Easter and Christmas and family birthdays
  • Have families that are proper-seeming and not nuts or chaotic
  • Have good professions and are well respected
  • Have well behaved children with interesting hobbies who get top grades

AIBU to envy these types of people?

How do people who tick most of the above do it? How do they 'know' to do and be all the right things as adults? Do you think it's a kind of family training or do you think you can acquire this approach?

OP posts:
IWantMyHatBack · 26/07/2018 00:21

The quest for perceived perfection is unachievable. YANBU to envy it, but YABU to think that these people have ideal grownup lives.

Second homes? Proper seeming?? Most of what you're talking about seems superficial. Sack that off, look at what you've got and stop comparing yourself to other people.

Perfection seeking is a painful way to live.

FASH84 · 26/07/2018 00:22

Most of the tangible things above are simply about planning/organisation which is a choice. Also most people have some kind of craziness or less than perfect aspects to their lives but not everyone talks about it

Titsywoo · 26/07/2018 00:23

Those people sound really dull Wink

No idea I guess some of it comes in time and with age. Much comes with having lots of money. We have many of those things but not all. I feel like a real grown up now but it's only been in the last couple of years! (I'm 40 this year).

KeepServingTheDrinks · 26/07/2018 00:26

Also, a lot of the above also = wealth. Wealth isn't a mark of being grown up. It might mean you've worked very hard, it might mean you've inherited or married into it or it might mean you've been very lucky.

Wealth (although I'd like to have more if it - I really don't have very much at all) is handy, but it doesn't buy happiness or satisfaction.

pennycarbonara · 26/07/2018 00:26

This sounds like 'well off people'.

Being able to run a household on a tight budget and know how to keep a lid on one's own and others cravings for the unaffordable seems to me a far more admirable skill - and more difficult to acquire if not brought up to it.

Sparklesocks · 26/07/2018 00:28

Everyone's vision of ‘success’ is different. What do second homes really show? They’ve got nothing to do with happiness or health.

Yes it’s of course good to be comfortable financially and to be able to have nice hobbies/holidays and time with your family, but when it comes down to it you can’t compare yourself to other people. Chances are there are things in their lives they feel they are missing too.

TreaterAnita · 26/07/2018 00:29

I know what you mean OP, but as someone who’s has a good profession and is (I hope) relatively well respected, and ticks some (but by no means all) of the other boxes, most of the women I know have total imposter syndrome. No idea about the men; my husband doesn’t give a shit what people think of him (though he is vv good at planning holidays, fwiw). I know some men who seem more interested in appearances but I suspect v different lives are led behind closed doors...

thisneverendingsummer · 26/07/2018 00:29

YABU. NO-ONE is like this in real life, with all the attributes you have listed. Some people on the parallel universe of mumsnet claim to be all of that, (that you have listed,) but most are not. They just want people to think they are......

Original poster
RedZebra · 26/07/2018 00:32

You all have very sage, wise words.

Maybe I've been reading too many successful sounding MNers lately.

Not sure what's got into me - maybe this is my mid life crisis?!

OP posts:
IWantMyHatBack · 26/07/2018 00:35

OP watch this (yes it's Oprah, but it's Brene Brown)

DieAntword · 26/07/2018 00:36

To me a “proper grown up” is someone who keeps on top of all the chores and work and general organisation and doesn’t seem to flop around from crisis to crisis trying to put out fires.

Thankfully so far I’ve never met one so I don’t feel TOO inadequate.

RosyPrimroseface · 26/07/2018 00:37

I've got all those bar 2nd home/rental. Much is wealth and coming from a stable and wealthy background. And luck. And only then hard work (which is in itself much less hard work than e.g someone on minimum wage with kids/living with multiple disabilities etc).

frasier · 26/07/2018 00:38

I recently sold some baby stuff and a young soon to be mum came to the house. She started asking all sorts of baby questions and I realised that to her I looked liked a proper grown up!

SpoonsAndForks · 26/07/2018 00:43

Rosy that's interesting, I do wonder if you need that solid family background.

I grew up with my mum and step dad on and off benefits.

I do have a good profession (finally in my 40s) so can tick one on the list, but had no idea until now (too late) that I ought to have bought a house earlier, had a pension, savings etc. I realise now that some knew this all along and so question why I didn't.

Also I chose a pot smoking DH because I stupidly was charmed by 'fun' and 'cool' instead of solvent and responsible.

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/07/2018 01:17

Agree that a lot of that is about wealth - and not just a good salary but also enough capital, so either being given wealth or being in a position to save from an early point in life. Not that wealth will insulate you from all tomfoolery but if you make poor decisions, wealth can cover up the impact to quite a large extent.

HicDraconis · 26/07/2018 03:57

I can tick most of the things on your list (aside from a second home that we would rent out, that is planned and budgeted for over the next ten years or so). I still have days where it’s more “fake it till you make it” than not!

How it’s done - organization, knowing what I wanted to do from an early age and being lucky enough to be born with the brains and background to get it, being in a profession with a decent level of income, having a seriously awesome kick ass SAHP for a husband.

Be wary of judging your inside view of your life and achievements by the outside view you have of others.

387I2 · 26/07/2018 04:09

Can I join your little group? I'm "only" 50+ and still sometimes feel a bit envious of "proper grown-ups", a group I'm not counting myself into. I still don't do triathlon and don't have any planned holidays, nor am I particularly confident and decisive... etc. etc. I've managed to cross out some few items on your list, however.

About these people, are you sure that they fulfil all the items on your list, or isn't it that some contribute with one bullet point, others with another. For example the one with well-behaved children might not have a pension plan nor do triathlon, the one who is not drinking (nor being a pot smoker) might not have that confidence and self-assurance you mention, etc.

ohfourfoxache · 26/07/2018 04:14

There is no such thing as “a proper grown up”.

Let’s face it, we’re all just winging it Grin

Pixiedust2017 · 26/07/2018 04:39

Your list is unachievable for all.
If EVERYONE had or was able to have a second home and a rental there would be no-one left to live in the rental and so the point of having it would be null and void.
Your list is only achievable for those with high wealth, people who are extremely lucky or those later in life who have worked VERY hard to get it.
It also requires you to have financial knowledge that is not taught at school and is self taught. If I knew what I know now about finances 10 years ago I would be much much better off today. We are not taught about savings, pensions, EFTs, stock exchange etc. in schools and so most people do not have the knowledge to use them to their benefit.
Compared to most people my age I am extremely lucky and am able to tick off 10 or so things from this list. It has come from choosing my career carefully and doing higher education for 7 years with 1 year left to go. And also by being an only child and so the only one left to inherit and having literally no extended family left and so subsequently at a large cost.

kateandme · 26/07/2018 04:39

the grass is always greener.these p people will very rarely have it all.there are the people who have it all because they just accept all they have.and then work from there.you can only be happy when you be happy.wor hard for more.but if you stumble or don't get there don't dwell or think you've failed.what you've got might not be ideal but for right now how can you make it ok and enough?
all the other things yo uwish and dream for.is it possible for you.dont ever stop dreaming or working for it of course but don't give yourself ideals that aren't going to come.that will just cause you so much pain and yearning.

Plughole3 · 26/07/2018 05:01

Ha ha, if I managed to be born 20/30 years earlier then I would have a much greater chance of paying my mortgage off early, having a 2nd home & a decent pension!

CocoDeMoll · 26/07/2018 05:08

From your list I have : a pension!

Seriously that’s it and only because the NHS made me get it.

I already knew I wasn’t a proper grown up but I’m cool with that Grin

Seriousquestion09 · 26/07/2018 05:10

Unrealistic and time to step away from MN

Plughole3 · 26/07/2018 05:11

As it is I’m pretty lucky with what I do have. Yes i’ve worked hard, been sensible etc but in the main my good fortune was to be born to good parents.

strawberrisc · 26/07/2018 05:22

I’ve never felt like a proper grown up. To me a proper grown up is someone who can run upna child’s costume on a sewing machine at a moment’s notice, whose clothes smell of fabric conditioner and whose drinking glasses are always gleaming.