To envy 'proper grown ups'?

[RedZebra]

Lately I've been thinking about how I wish I was more of a 'proper grown up' and feeling a bit of towards people who are. Here's my list of what IMHO makes a proper grown up:

People who seem to have their shit together:

• Have good financial plans / approach e.g. stuff like
  • mortgage paid off early in life
  • pensions
  • ISAs
  • second homes
  • homes they rent out
• Seem confident and decisive
• Have some kind of polish / upstanding citizen feel about them (hard to put finger on this)
• Not big drinkers or pot smokers
• Have interests and hobbies e.g. triathlon, cycling
• Have regular holidays planned well in advance
• Have regular idyllic seeming big family meals and get togethers at Easter and Christmas and family birthdays
• Have families that are proper-seeming and not nuts or chaotic
• Have good professions and are well respected
• Have well behaved children with interesting hobbies who get top grades

AIBU to envy these types of people?

How do people who tick most of the above do it? How do they 'know' to do and be all the right things as adults? Do you think it's a kind of family training or do you think you can acquire this approach?

If it helps, I have done well for myself. Born in a council house but worked hard and not spent on holidays etc in order to get a goodish nest egg. With it though comes responsibilities that I absolutely do not want in my life. I was parked next to a camper a few days ago and the woman that got out lives the way I would like to live. She was relaxed, brown, had amazing dreads and just so serene looking. You could tell she lived in the camper and I'm sure it's not all roses but for a minute there (ever since) I have wanted to be her.
I am going to start to chip away at what I have laid down for myself and try and get a simpler life. Most people that you describe in your OP are like swans. Look good above the waterline but below are paddling like fuck. Take care OP.

I like your post Folderreformedsoldier

Folderreformedscruncher - sorry

Have families that are proper-seeming and not nuts or chaotic
This.
They've had the best start in life emotionally and it trickles down.
Where the rest of us have probaly had manipulative, draining parents who've kept us childish and insecure for the rest of our lives.
(I'm not bitter at all!)

If you're feeling envious of people who have those things then it might be worth doing some reflection on why you associate those things with "proper" adulthood.

Many people never aspire to be landlords (personally, it sounds like my idea of hell) and what one describes as an "interesting" hobby for a child to have varies from person to person. Why are those things of value to you?

I felt a lot more grown up when I had a 3 year old and a newborn baby and DH was made redundant. Massively reduced income, massive responsibilities, total panic. Those times are a few years behind us now, but I still have the notebook where I wrote down everyyhing we spent that winter.

I have some of the things on your grown up list. I don’t feel so much grown up as old! I have always preferred cycling on a Sunday morning to drinking on a Saturday night though!! (Early Sunday morning is traditionally the time for road cycling events due to quiet roads/policing, tends to be incompatible with boozing the night before).

I think this shows that stable uneventful families have more time to spend on their careers and investments. You just don’t have the extra stress of madness going on which, in turn, can negatively affect finances, and progress at school etc.

Wealth is definitely a big part of this, as is a stable upbringing. I think I meet most of the criteria you describe, we have a house we own and a house we rent out, I have a well paid job, DH is a SAHD and we manage holidays. Although we pay for all of this ourselves, we wouldn't be in this position without the support from our families.

For example, my parents supported me through university, I still worked but they helped me a lot, so I have some debt from then but nothing like what some people have. DH's parents helped him buy his first house.

On top of that we both grew up with families who provided high expectations and good role models as well as financial support. I know I am very lucky.

'As impressive as that list is, there is only one single quality I see in all 'grown ups' and that is responsibility.

You don't need a second home/ISA/family dinners etc to be entirely responsible for yourself and those around you. A sense of responsibility defines a fully fledged adult.'

^^This.

This is a very UK-specific (the property-owning thing), social class-specific, wealth-specific perspective on life and what makes it 'sorted'. (And I think it says a lot in itself that quite a few posters are treating it as a 'tick list' and saying how many of its items they have - rarely without some self-reflection or comment on the value of such a list, admittedly).

Then there's the fact that some of the people who have their shit most together are those who have to handle/manage 'nuts or chaotic' families (or the fallout of having cut contact with them) and/or children whose needs, physical or mental health, or personalities put them outside that narrow well-behaved, high-achieving category.

Not being an out-of-control drinker (which I assume 'big' is a euphemism for) or a pot smoker, by contrast, is a pretty low bar, tbh. I do think people should grow out of pot by university at the latest.

Owning a second home is nothing to aspire to IMO. Just keeps other folks from having one home.

I dunno OP. Sounds like you need to open an ISA and go for a jog or something.

Actually, the more I think about it, the more your list disturbs me, OP - the premise behind it implies that our income, our families' behaviour, our children's behaviour and academic achievement are entirely down to us being 'proper grown-ups' and any lack in that respect a sign of our failure. Of course we have some degree of influence on these things, of course we do. But that degree varies a lot.

By this definition I'll never be a proper grown up... but the other day my friend told me how "practical" I am because my bills are always paid so I suppose it depends on your perspective.

I tick most items on that list and I don't feel grown up at all.

I still enjoy playing with Lego FFS

Olives! You forgot the olives. I don't think you are proper grown up until you like eating olives. I still hate them and I'm 50.

I agree these people sound very dull.

A bit like my SIL and BIL.

Can't stand them coming over, droning on about triathlons and pension funds.

Yawn.

I've developed a taste for olives! 😂

It's all bullshit though.

My old boss was like this. She has two perfect high achieving kids. Big house, responsible job etc etc, still played sports and ran and works 7-6 every day. Always looking groomed and unflappable. I swear, that woman was a ticket to every female round her feeling useless.

I found out later that basically the grandparents did everything for the kids because she's never there, and this all caused marital tension and stress as everything was outsourced.

Can't have everything, even if you're wealthy. It's an illusion. Something has to give along the way.

I agree with ALittleLadyofMediumHeight here in that what you have listed is a very UK-typical idea of aspiration and success. I also agree with her assertion that it’s a somewhat worrying tick list of what constitutes life goals.

Op can I recommend this book for a refreshing, and quite possibly life-changing perspective. It’s great and an ideology I wholeheartedly subscribe to.

I envy those people that say hmm we really need a new dining table and go shopping for one and just buy it! I don't think I'll ever be in a financial situation where I can do that. I'm 32.

I agree with you Rainforest real grown ups take responsibility for their actions. They have tolerance for other people and an understanding of the big wide world. Who cares if they have a second home?

My DH is a proper grown up. We have most of these things. I have access to the same money and choices but he makes almost all of them. In my head, one day there will be lots of month left at the end of the money because this is how I grew up. He still doesn’t understand it after 25 years.

Sorry - I meant AnElderlyLadyofMediumHeight

I don't think having a second property which you rent out or use as a holiday home makes you a "proper grown up". Only a tiny percentage of people have those kinds of things - we know lots of people who tick all the OP's other boxes in terms of professional jobs, hobbies, savings, planning holidays etc and none have more than one home.

I suppose we'd fall into the "proper grown up" box but we've had our periods of being skint students too.

Olives! You forgot the olives. I don't think you are proper grown up until you like eating olives. I still hate them and I'm 50.

This^

I almost wish I did like them then I would get why other people like them. I don't like eggs benedict either.

Some people, 'have it all' then divorce or serious illness crashes into their life.

We would have had our mortgage paid off by next February and had healthy pensions too. Both of us are early / mid fifties.

If we hadn't chucked it all in and gone to New Zealand for six years.

Don't be a slave to the, 'machine.'

I’m not a big drinker, I don’t smoke pot. We have lovely family get togethers and meals. I have two extremely well behaved daughters, one super intelligent, the other average. Both have lots of hobbies that they commit a lot of time to as well as playing instruments through school.

No pension.
No savings.
I live hand to mouth most weeks.
I’m on benefits due to ill health.
Single parent.
Degree I’ve never done anything with.
Never had a career type job.
Been bankrupt.

I came from a broken home. Financial planning was watching my dad work out which credit card he could put the next holiday on. First person in my family to go to uni. Wasn’t exposed to professional people, was never taught how to manage money, what it takes to run a house etc.

A lot of what you claim is proper adulting is coming from a position of strength and wealth. That said, I do hope I can expose my children to ideas like that.