To envy 'proper grown ups'?

[RedZebra]

Lately I've been thinking about how I wish I was more of a 'proper grown up' and feeling a bit of towards people who are. Here's my list of what IMHO makes a proper grown up:

People who seem to have their shit together:

• Have good financial plans / approach e.g. stuff like
  • mortgage paid off early in life
  • pensions
  • ISAs
  • second homes
  • homes they rent out
• Seem confident and decisive
• Have some kind of polish / upstanding citizen feel about them (hard to put finger on this)
• Not big drinkers or pot smokers
• Have interests and hobbies e.g. triathlon, cycling
• Have regular holidays planned well in advance
• Have regular idyllic seeming big family meals and get togethers at Easter and Christmas and family birthdays
• Have families that are proper-seeming and not nuts or chaotic
• Have good professions and are well respected
• Have well behaved children with interesting hobbies who get top grades

AIBU to envy these types of people?

How do people who tick most of the above do it? How do they 'know' to do and be all the right things as adults? Do you think it's a kind of family training or do you think you can acquire this approach?

For me being grownup is what your house looks like 😆 Some people (a few) have a together 'grown up' house like my friends parents had... those are the only people that seem grown up to me! Everyone else just seems the same...

I'd feel more grown up if I could drive. I'm 50 this year. Have otherwise most of the normal trappings: married, kids, degree, job, house, hobbies but still feel like a kid and sometimes a complete loser for having to schlepp around on the bus.

Actually, I’ve read your list again and don’t like it, one bit. There must be many people who have boxes ticked and then lose it because life (shit) happens. My DH lived in a fabulous property with his then wife, 4 perfect children all doing well academically. Mortgage almost paid in full and talking about buying a place in Tuscany. Then, his wife had an affair. The idyllic lifestyle fell apart. The fab house sold, he took out a mortgage and then 4 years later met me!

We are now married. Have a mortgage. We’re not well off. Probably, we’ll never pay off the mortgage and will never, ever own a property in Italy. Holidays are a luxury not an absolute. We’re enormously happy and, he tells me, his life is better now than it’s ever been. Mine too.

Oh, and we’re both proper grown ups. We’ve come by it the hard way.

OP I am 52 and I don’t feel like I’m a grown up. I just don’t feel very mature. I can tick a few of those things on your list but I don’t really care. My mantra is that I’ve got the rest of my life to be a grown up and I don’t intend to start yet.

To me life is all about living it the way you want to, and for me that is having good times with family and friends, and having experiences - seeing and doing things. My house is a complete mess but I don’t care - those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter. I don’t care what people think about me, if they don’t like the way I am they know what to do!

So OP forget about being a grown up, just be you and celebrate the fact that you are your unique self and don’t have to be anything you're not.

By the way 1ndig0 I have 3 Ferraris! No I don’t really, who gives a shit!!

@Taffeta I'm with you there!

I live in a city that's been called 'the home of the small entrepreneur' and I know so many people that run their own (small) companies, but have managed to stay refreshingly immature!

They drink al lot, often smoke pot regularly and have mainly well balanced, enthusiastic, curious and confident children.

Some own their own homes, some don't, but we don't judge success on that. It's really about balance and quality of life.

I once got to know a surgeon well through a mutual friend. He and his wife earned a small fortune, but I was shocked to find out that they were in huge debt spending all their money and more on constantly extending and renovating their home. It seemed such a boring and introspective thing to do!

@RhubarbTea That is one of the most inspiring posts I've ever read here. Good luck with everything you do! 😃

ok, here we go ...

• Have good financial plans / approach e.g. stuff like (I have a great approach but I can’t stick to the plans)
• mortgage paid off early in life (Did have, then rented a property out and bought another and it fell flat on its face twice)
• pensions (yep)
• ISAs (nope)
• second homes (nope)
• homes they rent out (had one in the past, twice, like a millstone around my neck)
• Seem confident and decisive (can be at times)
• Have some kind of polish / upstanding citizen feel about them (hard to put finger on this) (hubs is a member of a professional group who only accepts upstanding citizens)
• Not big drinkers or pot smokers (check, and definitely check)
• Have interests and hobbies e.g. triathlon, cycling (hubs, no. Me, yes)
• Have regular holidays planned well in advance (not regular but I do plan in advance)
• Have regular idyllic seeming big family meals and get togethers at Easter and Christmas and family birthdays (always at Christmas)
• Have families that are proper-seeming and not nuts or chaotic (think I probably fail on this one)
• Have good professions and are well respected (hubs yes, me, kind of)
• Have well behaved children with interesting hobbies who get top grades (fail on this one too)

So over fifty percent and we definitely have not got our shit together. And we probably never will.

The people who have the lifestyle you envy may not have always been as they are now. Some may have been really hard up at one time and there are countless other problems people can have that don't involve money. Poor health for example.

So don't waste emotion on being jealous, it's an ugly feeling. Well set up people can be just as nice as anyone else. One day you might find yourself in a better place too, it happens.

Two thoughts on all this.

Firstly, the list of being a proper grown up doesn't really include whether you're happy. I know some of the points, like family Christmases are about that. But there's much more to life than money, and love, fun and affection are near the top of my list.

Secondly, you mentioned some people having charmed lives. In my experience, what's really important is hard work. If you work really hard towards your goals you have a good chance of getting there. Certainly a better chance than if you just assume some people are lucky and you're not.

Second homes as a marker of being a grown up??

I disagree that coming from a solid middle class family is the only way to tick off all those aspects of the ‘grown up’ list. I grew up poor, working class and aspirational and have done all of those dull but worthy things for myself.

I have to say that one divergence is that I am bored by sport and do not do it and nor do my DC. We are readers and walkers and do not like to be corralled by sporty rules and competition. This, I realise, is breaking the middle class law but I feel I had a lucky escape there when I see all the injuries endured and time wasted by my acquaintance.

Neither have I ever ‘done’ any drugs though I drink at the weekends.

Age, knowledge and experience count for a lot in the ‘grown up stakes’. However, what I think really signals maturity Is when you can make yourself do things you don’t want to do or do them solely for the benefit of others.

Having a rental property isn't all it seems. many landlords, including myself rented the house for a short term measure i.e. moving in with new DH and then found that they struggled to sell when they tried. Viscous cycle.

Although on the list I've got a few of your requirements. I'd say the majority are down to working from aged 17 and gaining work experience and therefore promoted earlier. Not that I don't value qualifications, I got those in the evening.

As for polish? As if. If I've still got a hint of mascara at the end of the day, I consider it a success. Likewise for ironing if I can avoid it I will :)

I consider us incredibly lucky because we're all healthy, happy and enjoy our jobs and love where we live regardless that our house is quite tiny by most standing. Try and reframe what you consider success and you'll feel better about it.

It's a really superficial list in my opinion. You don't know how much credit these people with seemingly perfect lives are using, you don't know what their relationships are like, whether they hate their jobs - you just can't judge from the outside in.

As for me, despite my husband being a reasonably high earner we've got a huge mortgage and it won't be paid off for donkey's years. His hours of work and stress means he probably will have a cardiac arrest before the bugger is paid off. But there's always someone worse off.

I think so long as you have secure housing, enough to live without excessive worry and a good family you've got so much more than many people in this world, and you're reasonably lucky. A second home means jackshit.

thecatsabsentcojones

I agree.

Very strange ideas of what makes people "grown up"

• mortgage paid off early in life no
• pensions some
• ISAs none
• second homes no
• homes they rent out no
• Seem confident and decisive no I am confident, don't just seem that way.
• Have some kind of polish / upstanding citizen feel about them (hard to put finger on this) no-
• Not big drinkers or pot smokers no I enjoy alcohol and sometimes get tipsy
• Have interests and hobbies e.g. triathlon, cycling no
• Have regular holidays planned well in advance no
• Have regular idyllic seeming big family meals and get togethers at Easter and Christmas and family birthdays no- and thank christ
• Have families that are proper-seeming and not nuts or chaotic no
• Have good professions and are well respected no
• Have well behaved children with interesting hobbies who get top grades no

However I am very happy, I feel good in my own skin. I have my own business that I run from home, a loving man, great kids.
I love what I do and my life is peaceful and happy.

I also feel grown up.

You can’t have everything and be everything at once. Just set your priorities and go from there. If you really want something, work towards getting it.
I always wanted to be a SAHM and have a career - which is obviously contradictory. But I was fortunate to be able to stay home for the first years of my kids’ lives, and now I can focus on my career. I just couldn’t have both at the same time.

I do have great kids with interesting hobbies and top grades - and that’s because I gave up my hobbies to support theirs. Again, this is fine; now that the kids are older and one of them can manage his hobbies by himself, I can have more time for mine.
I also work towards having large gatherings with family and friends - this is a work in progress.
I don’t want second homes or renting income.
Just decide what is important for you and go from there.

Audree it's about finding the balance though.

It may be difficult to have a career which involves constant global travel with young children, but it is possible to find ways to fulfill lots of needs at the same time.

If I met you in a social setting you might think I had my shit together as I have a glamourous and interesting job, a wealthy and successful family (ie parents and sister/brother-in-law), a well behaved child with interesting hobbies and pre-planned holidays. But dig a bit deeper and you would find out I am in an abusive relationship, my (rented) flat (in an expensive suburb) is pretty dingey and tiny really, I am hopeless at managing money and really fly by the seat of my pants when it comes to affording my lifestyle. I am hoping you wouldn’t guess the negatives unless you got to know me well, but things aren’t always what they seem. I too wish I could be ‘grown up’ but I struggle to make sensible choices.

i know you've had plenty of replies but i thought i'd throw mine in too - most of what you've listed is not grown up but related to equity, capital and income. people who have what you desire must have generation of parents money passed down or be in higher earning jobs or bought houses 10 years ago when in my area you could get a victorian semi for £280k, now worth £700k.

a lot of your list is timing, cash imput from parents and well paid jobs.

the others are to do with how disciplined you are towards things in your control.

i feel jealous of other people but really just focus on you and what you want.