to not want mil visiting twice a week

[rubyroot]

I work full time, partner is a sahd. I've now returned from maternity but have a six week holiday.

Baby is six months. MIL has been visiting non- stop. I've found it a pain, esp in the early days when I just wanted peace and quiet- MIL was round to see baby 3/4 times a week, it has now reduced to twice a week.

That's fine when I am not here- she can arrange what she likes with her son. But when I am here, I cannot be bothered with the visits.

I have tried- I kept MIL up to date with pregnancy etc. But she is full on and her interfering and comments wind me up. I know I shouldn't let them and they are probably said with the intention to wind me up!

I was called a beached whale and fat during my pregnancy- never in the presence of her son.

She has made comments about my baby needing a routine (he has one) a dummy ( I didn't want one) only needs an hour a day nap ( no, he's 6 months! Think this one is so she can see him more probably.) When Mr Rubyroot was six months, he was... (fill in the gaps- this is what I should be doing with my baby)

She makes the comments to my baby when I'm in earshot, but partner isn't.

The last time she visited- she made at least 3 of these types of comments. I wouldn't mind her visiting if she did not try to interfere and give advice that I don't want to hear.

Go on. I know you will all be honest. AIBU? Or could she just visit/ take baby for a few hours when I'm at work?

Re: the comments I’d be tempted to repeat what she says back to her once “witnesses” (your dp).
Eg “darling your mother just said I look like a beached whale. What do think about that?”. Admittedly I’ve got a MIL like this and I’m not quite brave enough to try this yet.
She’s only doing it because she thinks she can get away with it. She sounds foul.

*once you have witnesses

Oh I have done!

Partner just says that she doesn't intend the comments to be malicious and that she is just tactless and she has lived alone too long!

I do have evidence to the contrary when I caught her sending a message to someone to deliberately wind them up- but that's another story!

What does your partner say about her treatment of you?

You're a teacher?, hence the six week holiday so you don't want her there twice weekly when you're at home, understandably so when she's so rude to you.

xpost

I had this: MIL and her DH used to turn up whenever they wanted, and not necessarily together. For a while I had him turning up around midday, taking DS out of his high chair when I was trying to feed him, playing with him when I'm trying to calm him down … then I'd finally get rid of him, and lo and behold a couple of hours later - when DS and I were napping - MIL would turn up: ringing the door bell, banging on the windows, shouting through the letter box 'til I got up. She did and said some bloody stupid/mean things too - as did her DH - and I let it lie to keep the peace. But as a result it continued and relations became very strained. If I could do it again I would tackle each thing straight away: she calls you a beached whale? Tell DH immediately, preferably when she's there. It's more difficult to lie and wriggle out of things face to face.

I'd like to say I looked absolutely fabulous when I was pregnant- I was all bump and so proud! :)

Luckily Piffle, this does not happen to me- at least the visits are organised- by my partner at least!

YANBU- you've every right to not want someone in your house that is so rude to you. Call her out on it or ask DH to speak to her. She sounds a nightmare!

Rubyroot My oh says exactly the same about the rude comments his mother makes. Apparently it isn’t meant nastily and I’m taking it wrong 🙄 it pisses me right off, it’s never no you’re right there was no need to say it at all. My own mil is endlessly interfering and also thinks she’s a parenting expert (she’s far from it)

You are definitely not BU to not want her around all the time. What they fail to understand is that they would see their grandchildren more if they could try to be pleasant!

Don't open the door. If it's questioned...say you were sleeping.

Thanks all for the moral support.

Partner won't speak to her I am afraid- no idea why, obviously easier to tell me I am taking it too personally!

I'm going to have to do this on my own as ended up having a row about this the other day when 'I slagged his mother off'

Just saw that he's a SAHD so there's no escape from MIL.

She has a key Sandy- lets herself in- every time!

Also the SAHD organises for his mother to come around- so its a bit complicated.

I'm currently on six weeks holiday, but will be returning back in September when she can come around when I am not there!

Haha- yes Sandy...

No escape- sucks being the main breadwinner sometimes.

ended up having a row about this the other day when 'I slagged his mother off

But it's okay for her to slag you off by calling you a beached whale.

Have you directly said no when she asks to come round?

Yes- okay to call me a beached whale as 'she didn't mean anything by it!'

RabbitsAre- no I don't get asked, organised by my partner!

Seems I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place :'(

Why does she have a key?
My mum has my key but it is of the understanding it has only to be used in absolute emergencys.
I also have a key to hers with the same understanding.
If either abused it the key would be removed.

Fuck it. Call and cancel.

She already hates you and wants to kick you. Why play fake nice, have your day spoiled and have major resentment towards DH.

Your rock and hard place both involve stress and bad feelings. Only one of them gives you self-respect and autonomy. I know which one I'd go for in a heartbeat.

You poor thing. I do hate those people who had the best babies...who snapped back into their size 10 jeans the following day...and they're keen to tell you.

That was my Dsis MIL. She actually said this in the hospital agter the baby was born. Along with...don't forget not to neglect my DS now you have a baby...because "men can feel so left out" She was still in the hospital FGS.

It's good I don't have such a MIL or I'd have given her a mouthful.

Sorry to bust out an old MN cliché but you don't have an MIL problem, you have a DP problem.

He allows his Mother to treat you like shit in your own home and when you dare to speak up about it he gets annoyed with you . He won't challenge her about insulting you and calling you names and rewards her completely inappropriate behaviour by letting her come and go as she pleases. He's created a monster, she knows she can say whatever she pleases to you and he will always take her side. The fact that she feels entitled to let herself into your home with a key says it all.

In your shoes I'd be sitting him down for a serious talk about this, making it clear that he needs to challenge her about the way she speaks to you or she will not be welcome in your home when you're there.

Arrange to be out with the baby when she comes around. Make lots of arrangements with friends for coffee meet ups, trips to the park, supermarket etc. There is no reason for you to be there when she visits and if the baby is also out, she might stop visiting.

Comments about naps, routines etc would just wash off me - everyone has a view on how best to look after a baby and many people - even those we love! - can seem to forget them tact when dealing with babies. I suppose it depends how it’s said as well as what is said. My in laws visited regularly when dp was a SAHD - I suspect they thought he couldn’t really cope. In your shoes I would be around for one visit and go out alone for the other

1. As pp said, make sure you & the baby are out when she comes round.

1. If she makes rude comments, be equally rude back, while repeating her comment ‘ I look like a beached whale? At least I haven’t got a face like a slapped arse!’.