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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want mil visiting twice a week

79 replies

rubyroot · 25/07/2018 17:56

I work full time, partner is a sahd. I've now returned from maternity but have a six week holiday.

Baby is six months. MIL has been visiting non- stop. I've found it a pain, esp in the early days when I just wanted peace and quiet- MIL was round to see baby 3/4 times a week, it has now reduced to twice a week.

That's fine when I am not here- she can arrange what she likes with her son. But when I am here, I cannot be bothered with the visits.

I have tried- I kept MIL up to date with pregnancy etc. But she is full on and her interfering and comments wind me up. I know I shouldn't let them and they are probably said with the intention to wind me up!

I was called a beached whale and fat during my pregnancy- never in the presence of her son.

She has made comments about my baby needing a routine (he has one) a dummy ( I didn't want one) only needs an hour a day nap ( no, he's 6 months! Think this one is so she can see him more probably.) When Mr Rubyroot was six months, he was... (fill in the gaps- this is what I should be doing with my baby)

She makes the comments to my baby when I'm in earshot, but partner isn't.

The last time she visited- she made at least 3 of these types of comments. I wouldn't mind her visiting if she did not try to interfere and give advice that I don't want to hear.

Go on. I know you will all be honest. AIBU? Or could she just visit/ take baby for a few hours when I'm at work?

OP posts:

Bakedlikeabun · 26/07/2018 10:21

...and never mind what’s best for the baby? We could always live as if on the point of separation but it’s a very limited way to live.

Yuckyuckdandeliongood · 26/07/2018 10:24

Stand up to her. Don't worry if you come across rude. She is rude anyway. Me and my mil are fine now once I called her out a few times. Now she knows there's a line and we get on great. Your dh will minimise it because 1 he can't be bothered to deal with it and 2 either way one of the ladies in his life will be angry with him and again he doesn't want to deal with it. Stand up to her and do it in front if dh

fuzzyfozzy · 26/07/2018 10:30

I love Ava's response if 'she's too sensitive."
Every time mil comes round, go and sit with your husband. I certainly wouldn't be entertaining.
I'd be out where convenient, I'd ask when he's arranged to see her and schedule myself.
I'd also say that this is my house too and we should agree on guests coming round. Or invite your Mum round every time...

Original poster

rubyroot · 26/07/2018 10:52

I see.. but I would question if he is primary carer- he looks after him hours during the day, at which point I take over for around five hours until bedtime and do all the childcare at the weekend- from getting up until going to bed and then pretty much the whole of the holidays too.

That's by the by, I think.

I'm hoping it wont come to this, and if it does we are both adult enough to come to some arrangement for the benefit of our child.

He loves his Mum and his Dad and he needs us both in his life, regardless.

OP posts:

Original poster

rubyroot · 26/07/2018 10:53

Should say eight

OP posts:

Tiredperson · 26/07/2018 11:01

Yanbu at all.

I think that you just need to put your foot down, it’s really important that you establish a good bond with your child, and anyone who interferes can take a hike!

I’ve a slightly different situation where my step daughter is bringing her son over every week so we can ‘childmind’, despite being highly critical of me and me not wanting to childmind. We all need a relatively harmonious functioning family unit first, relations can work around this.

Original poster

rubyroot · 26/07/2018 11:04

Thanks, I think I will just tell my partner that we are going to enjoy this 6 weeks as a family and try to get over the fractures in the relationship that looking after a new baby brings.

His Mum has plenty of time to come and see the baby, when I am at work.

OP posts:

thewreckofthehesperus · 26/07/2018 11:36

I would be asking him why he invites her around and then absents himself leaving you to deal with her unpleasantness? How is that reasonable to put you in the position if he can't stand being around her himself? No body should be expected to put up with being belittled and insulted in their own home.

As your child grows this is what they will be hearing coming from Grandma. Dripping poison about you while your husband is too cowardly to put a stop to it. Is that really the future you want? I agree with posters above, Husband back to work and baby in childcare so you can protect yourself down the line. Hopefully you won't need it if you can have a full frank conversation and re-draw your boundaries but as they say hope for the best but plan for the worst.

SlowDown76mph · 26/07/2018 12:26

Has he got your back? Are you a team?

SlowDown76mph · 26/07/2018 12:28

You are putting an enormous amount of trust in him for somebody who has said to you 'don't make me choose'.

LeighaJ · 26/07/2018 12:30

@rubyroot

Download an app to secretly record your conversations. Maybe if your husband heard the tone of voice she uses with the comments then he'd see her for what she is. A nasty interfering cow.

Seasawride · 26/07/2018 12:30

dont make me choose

That’s a red flag to me op.

Nanny0gg · 26/07/2018 12:42

if it does we are both adult enough to come to some arrangement for the benefit of our child.

Not judging by past performance.

Once a mummy’s boy...

Tiredperson · 26/07/2018 12:48

Ouch, don’t make me choose is pretty rubbish.

HectorlovesKiki · 26/07/2018 12:49

You need to take control of your life.
Your DP is a coward & completely undermines you by refusing to confront his rude, nasty mother. She insults you & causes trouble in your own home, whilst he excuses away her cruel words by saying they mean nothing.

If your spineless DP won't speak to her, you will have to challenge her yourself.
MIL is a control freak, constantly interfering, uninvited & trying to get you to bring up baby HER way. She is toxic.
To insult you within earshot of the baby is unforgivable. That's how babies learn speech, by repeating what they hear.
This has gone on far too long.
You'll just have to take the bull by the horns & tackle her.
If DP sides with his DM then you have some serious thinking to do because you deserve better.
I'd change the locks if I were you & not give MIL a set.
Have you thought about moving?

Tiredperson · 26/07/2018 12:50

I’d actually be worried about her intense involvement without you, with your child and your husband. Keep it minimal. If she’s overbearing now she’ll not be a good influence when it’s just her and her son. She’ll love that all the more, watch it!

BadassUnicorn · 26/07/2018 13:12

YANBU. You should be able to enjoy your time time off work in your own home in peace without your interfering and rude MIL.

He warned me not to make him choose this week. Did he imply any consequences if you 'made him choose?'

Also, it's your home and she shouldn't be letting herself in when she feels like it. My PIL have a key to our home for emergencies, but wouldn't dream of just letting themselves in, no matter if we are there or not.

Laiste · 26/07/2018 14:11

Maybe you should get your own mother onside and have her come round every time MIL is there. Make sure DH has to sit with the ladies while you pop out

I'm only half joking actually. Perhaps you can prep your mum to question him about his parenting skills one time while they're alone. See how he likes it.

Laiste · 26/07/2018 14:12

And then say oh DH, from now on, the weeks i'm at work mum's going to be coming round twice a week - ok?

HeebieJeebies456 · 26/07/2018 18:44

I would question if he is primary carer- he looks after him hours during the day, at which point I take over for around five hours until bedtime and do all the childcare at the weekend- from getting up until going to bed and then pretty much the whole of the holidays too

So basically you do/organise the parenting around your job.
Courts will see him as primary caregiver because he's the one at home and you go out to work

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 26/07/2018 20:33

Seriously OP - if he is saying to you 'don't make me choose' then he has chosen and it isn't you!
Protect yourself and get his atse back to work and your baby into childcare before you find yourself a nrp, psying child support to him, while your mil parks her arse on your sofa everyday and sees more of your baby than you do.

This man does not have your back and you are being a mug if you let it continue.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 26/07/2018 22:01

Don't make me choose

He's chosen.

Tanith · 26/07/2018 22:40

I think Seasawride is right.

It isn't that your DH is incompetent, it's that he's probably lonely and his mum is company for him.

We had this arrangement when I went back to work when DS was 5 months old and exactly the same situation happened. DH was perfectly capable of coping with the baby, but the day-to-day loneliness of not having adult company really got him down.
It can be isolating enough for SAHMs, and we have meet ups and toddler groups. That can be really intimidating for SAHDs - DH used to say he could hear the whispered invitations back for coffee from which he was excluded, he knew nothing and cared less about many of the conversation topics. Then there's the patronising "I think you're so brave!" comments that used to make him squirm!

I think your MIL, like mine, has got into the way of thinking herself as your baby's mum. I wouldn't be surprised if she imagines you out of the way so it can just be her, your DH and your baby.

In your place, I think I'd be persuading DH back to work and using childcare, but only you know if that would work for you.

sar501 · 26/07/2018 22:43

My inlaws were like this towards me. It went on for years. I no longer see them and it’s pure bliss.

Osirus · 27/07/2018 00:57

He IS the primary caree OP. This situation would terrify me. If you do not tread carefully he could end up with custody, no doubt co-parenting with his mother, who could end up with more contact with your child than you. You would be left with every other weekend and a day or two in the week.

You must encourage him back to work, or both work the same part time hours to give equal care.

I would work hard together to increase harmony and try and find a way to approach him about his mother in a way that doesn’t cause offence (easier said than done, I know). It might be better just to find a way to avoid her when she visits.

There was a thread a few weeks ago where the parents had a week each with the child. That’s a terrible set up and it must be unsettling for the child and, as a mother, that would be utterly heartbreaking.

I work just two days a week and I will not be increasing this any time soon. This helps me feel secure as the primary carer.

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