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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want mil visiting twice a week

79 replies

rubyroot · 25/07/2018 17:56

I work full time, partner is a sahd. I've now returned from maternity but have a six week holiday.

Baby is six months. MIL has been visiting non- stop. I've found it a pain, esp in the early days when I just wanted peace and quiet- MIL was round to see baby 3/4 times a week, it has now reduced to twice a week.

That's fine when I am not here- she can arrange what she likes with her son. But when I am here, I cannot be bothered with the visits.

I have tried- I kept MIL up to date with pregnancy etc. But she is full on and her interfering and comments wind me up. I know I shouldn't let them and they are probably said with the intention to wind me up!

I was called a beached whale and fat during my pregnancy- never in the presence of her son.

She has made comments about my baby needing a routine (he has one) a dummy ( I didn't want one) only needs an hour a day nap ( no, he's 6 months! Think this one is so she can see him more probably.) When Mr Rubyroot was six months, he was... (fill in the gaps- this is what I should be doing with my baby)

She makes the comments to my baby when I'm in earshot, but partner isn't.

The last time she visited- she made at least 3 of these types of comments. I wouldn't mind her visiting if she did not try to interfere and give advice that I don't want to hear.

Go on. I know you will all be honest. AIBU? Or could she just visit/ take baby for a few hours when I'm at work?

OP posts:
Strawberry2017 · 25/07/2018 19:19

If your DP won't stick up for you then you are going to have to do it yourself.
Don't let your child grow up seeing you treated like this.
It's completely inappropriate and you don't deserve it. I strongly suggest changing the locks too.
Stay strong!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 25/07/2018 19:27

You have two options - tell your DH he has to deal with his mother as it's not acceptable for her to be popping in so frequently (also get the key back from her) or you do it.
Better coming from your DH but one of you has to do it.

SnapAndFartAllDayLong · 25/07/2018 19:30

Why don't you ask death stare DH untill he says yes DH to take little one to her house? Say you have a migraine or want to deep clean read mn the house 😁😁

trojanpony · 25/07/2018 19:38

I love SnapAndFartAllDayLongs username advice. Grin

An alternative to that is to bugger off for a manicure/massage/walk/cinnamon frappe latte and magazine in the nearest cafe twice a week. Remember to yell thanks for helping outtttttt as you swan out the door for me time

rosablue · 25/07/2018 20:02

Lose your key while she is there so you have to borrow hers and conveniently find yours at the end of the holiday so at least she has to call first.

Tell her that you’re really excited about reconnecting with dh and baby over the summer and doing lots of stuff together as a family and wontbit be lovely for her not to have to keep popping by to check on dh all the time. Oh and better organise visits in advance so how about end of next week as you’re all booked up until then...

rainbowlou · 25/07/2018 20:19

I feel your pain, my H hung on his mums every word when mine was born..he called me when Ds was 2 days old and said his mum had offered to come over and help me teach him to sleep through the night, and wasn’t that really kind of her!
DS had lots of medical issues and his Mum argued with every single thing the consultant told us, I banned my H from discussing it with her until we had answers ourselves.
We asked for no visitors in the hospital as it was so stressful, she turned up!
We we got home she kept turning up because she was worried about ‘me looking after her baby’..it was relentless Angry
I don’t know how I’d feel if she had a key!
But like you I had a H problem, not so much a mil problem!
Arghhh sorry that turned into a bit of rant about me.
Back to you!Grin

FinallyHere · 25/07/2018 21:29

sending a message to someone to deliberately wind them up-

Surely your best bet with anyone trying to provoke a reaction is to tune them out and not hear what they say? Keep practising and it will become second nature. I promise that it will drive her mad.

She has a key

Why? Change the locks, get a key safe if you need an option for emergencies. Tell your partner this is the price for you ignoring the horrible things she says

Maelstrop · 25/07/2018 21:42

I think you need to sit down with your partner and do the whole ‘She makes me feel’ talk. He can’t argue with that. When he minimises it, ask him why he is doing so. How does he think that makes you feel about him? He should be your first line of defence. Tell him, don’t ask, that she comes round when you aren’t there. Tell him her comments stop, because let’s face it, you can probably be a whole lot nastier than her if pushed. Don’t tolerate her shit, OP.

marylou1977 · 25/07/2018 21:46

Change the locks. If she gives you the key back she will have certainly have made a copy. Tell your husband he can be in one vagina - yours or hers so choose carefully. You need to be the HBIC - head bitch in charge of your house. Make it more uncomfortable to take her side than yours. New rules are only invited people are welcome. It’s easier to fight with you than her, so make sure it is not easier for him. Leave and cleave were the vows, MIL was not part of them. Do not answer the doorbell to ANYONe that is not expected. Good luck.

LittleTipple · 25/07/2018 21:47

no I don't get asked, organised by my partner

OP I think you need a serious conversation with your partner. You're allowing him to dismiss your feelings and in the long term this will come back to haunt you. My DH would never organise anyone to come to our home without discussing it with me first. It's common courtesy to check I haven't made plans, or if for any reason I don't want them to come. I give him the same courtesy.

Please sit down and discuss this openly and if push comes to shove, I agree with the pp who said you should tell her if he won't. I hope things improve for you.

butlerswharf · 25/07/2018 21:47

Your partner should tell his mother that when you're on annual leave you both want to spend the time together with no visitors.

butlerswharf · 25/07/2018 21:49

And get the locks changed!

Seasawride · 25/07/2018 21:57

As a mil I am with MaryLou on this.

I think though you have a problem here. Switch it around so a mum was a sahm and needed her mum round for suppprt etc. That’s far more common and if the mil is a bitch it’s the same but posters might support the sahm more than the sahm dad.

Probably putting this badly as your mil sounds utterly vile but does your dh need the suppprt of his mum as a sahd?? Is he lonely? If he’s happy or wants her input while you are at work this is problematic for you op.

I think you need to sit down with your dh and thrash out both your feelings in this situation.

kissthealderman · 25/07/2018 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
rubyroot · 25/07/2018 23:36

Seasawride- actually my partner stays in a different room often whilst mil is around and if I am in, I am the one who ends up having to listen to the comments.

I try to keep out the way (in my own home) so as not to have to engage with these comments.

The visits are really for MILs benefit as she misses her grandson otherwise. This week I have already arranged for her to look after him for the afternoon at her house so I don't have to put up with the comments.

I have no problem her visiting whilst I am not there, I just want to enjoy my holiday before I go back to work in September. She can go back to as many visits in the week whilst I am not there.

Love the way there's an assumption that he needs help/advise etc- he's actually a pretty competent dad.

But, yes I fully accept the point that I have a partner problem! He warned me not to make him choose this week. I wasn't really asking him to choose- rather to speak to his mother, which he is too scared to do.

If my mother had said such things to my partner I would have given her what for, but she would never have done that and always gave us our own space.

Sometimes, I just feel that three's a crowd and I want a break from that.

OP posts:
WhatchaMaCalllit · 26/07/2018 08:02

Wow! He 'warned me not to make him choose this week'. Well, what week is good for him to make that decision?? I'm guessing never. He will have to choose. He in fact did choose when you got married and he stood up and said "I want to spend my life with this person and no one else".
He just needs to remind his mother that this is the situation.
He is moving from the child-adult relationship with his mother to a better adult-adult relationship.
He is under the FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. You've said he is too scared to talk to his mother. Even if he were a child, no child should be too scared to talk to their parents about anything.
Time to grasp that nettle and get this situation sorted a.s.a.p. as it will drive a wedge between you and him and also you and her.

AveABanana · 26/07/2018 08:08

Well if she "doesn't mean anything" by her comments does that means you can say what the fuck you like and use that get out jail card?
DP: Mum is really upset you changed the locks to the Banham ones so she can't cut her own key
You: I didn't mean anything by that, she's just oversensitive

Bingo. Go for it.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/07/2018 08:22

Choose!

Choose to talk to him and tell him how this all makes you feel.

Choose to make him consider why he lets his life partner down to placate his mother

Choose to let him be as upset as he needs to be in order to work his way through this

He is stuck in that FOG and will not get out of it on his own. She has lots of reasons to rely on him, and she doesn't need to stop, she just needs to recognise your family unit is yours and that she must rethink herself, before she breaks something that cannot be mended!

Ask him that - DH, your DM is slowly breaking us, do you want that?

Don't let him make it your fault!

Fluffyears · 26/07/2018 08:47

When she makes her rude comment call her the fuck out. ‘What did you just say? Beaches whale? Ok get out of MY home now I will not tolerate someone speaking about me like that’ if your husband gets mad as me him how dare she speak to you like that in your own home. She is not welcome whilst you are there, he’s not going to stand up for you so you must.

Laiste · 26/07/2018 08:58

OK - so this is going to be a problem every time you have time off work.

To get my head around this i've pictured a stay at home mother posting here to say she lets her mother come around a couple of times a week, but her husband is asking for that not to happen while he's around the house off work ...

reasonable i'd say.
UNLESS the MIL is helping with some huge problem which the husband isn't helping with. Which is not the case here.

You have to get your DH to see that the home is yours too and you don't want your MIL round all the bloomin time. I think you may have to really mean it and go through fireworks by the sound of it.

LittleTipple posted My DH would never organise anyone to come to our home without discussing it with me first. It's common courtesy to check I haven't made plans, or if for any reason I don't want them to come. I give him the same courtesy.

and I agree.

SlowDown76mph · 26/07/2018 09:28

You are aware that you have a DH problem. If things go pear-shaped then you are going to have a 'primary caretaker' problem. Are you aware of this?

Original poster
rubyroot · 26/07/2018 09:44

I earn enough to pay for childcare- just!

I don't think my partner would be spiteful really and stop looking after baby

I'm hoping it won't come to this!

OP posts:
Mumto2two · 26/07/2018 09:48

It sounds like your DH has set a precedent for this, such that your presence at home for 6 weeks is simply secondary to what they do when you are not there.
This happened with my DH, in terms of long visits to the country when they came to stay for months at a time! When we first met, I was horrified to see how often and how long they came to stay with him, and they didn’t even consult him before they booked their tickets. They would simply announce they were coming. It was the year our dd was born, when they announced a 2nd 2 month visit, shortly after the first, that I started to put my foot down. It had to change, and gladly, it did!

SlowDown76mph · 26/07/2018 10:08

You're missing the point. If you separate, who do you think the baby's primary caretaker is? It won't be you if he is SAHD, with granny's support too.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 26/07/2018 10:14

My advice is to get your baby into childcare and get your h back to work asap. Thrn he wont be primary carer and you can stop him getting custody if when you split up.

I would tell him she isn't welcome when you are home as yoy will no longer tolerate her rudeness - also take the baby and go out when she turns up. Leave him to deal with her!