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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if any of you have DC who need an awful lot of one to one time?

79 replies

AjasLipstick · 24/07/2018 13:51

One of mine, my youngest who is ten... is so bright and funny and charming but she seems to need SO much one on one with me!

She's wonderful if she gets this dedicated time and wonderful after it too. But if she's feeling a bit neglected, her behaviour slides...but it's as though she's not aware of it....I don't think she does this for attention in a bad way....just that she seems to need a lot of input from me.

So she'll come home from school...chill out for an hour or more. Then she will want me to watch a tv show with her on Netflix. Then she'll leave me alone. Then she'll want to play something with me...a board game or for me to watch her latest tricks on the trampoline.

Then she'll be ok. Then before bed, she wants to talk, have a snack with me and to read to me.

I'm bloody knackered by this time as I work part time etc...housework and all that.

Is anyone else's tween like this? She's popular at school...lots of friends. Struggles a bit academically but her teacher says she tries her best and is obviously a gifted performer and also socially very able. So I try not to worry...but God she's KNACKERING!

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Original poster
AjasLipstick · 24/07/2018 13:52

Oh...and we do have her friends over quite often and that's like a heaven sent break! I love it!

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ManorGreyhound · 24/07/2018 13:54

Isn't that just standard parenting?

Its kind of sad that you see it this way tbh.

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 24/07/2018 14:05

Manor Is it? My oldest was nothing like this! She's 14 now...all she ever wanted was a chat over her tea and a little play or a walk to the shops! She never spoke as much either. She's still very self reliant and self contained....she comes to spend an hour or so with me every evening and that's that unless we're out shopping.

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Amanduh · 24/07/2018 14:07

She wants to talk and read with you once. Watch tv with you once. Show you her tricks once. And entertains herself for an hour. And that’s too needy?!

Ennirem · 24/07/2018 14:08

My daughter is very little yet (18 months) but... given that young kids are in school most of the day, and in bed by 8ish... surely the time in between is time for doing things with them? What else would you be doing whil your kids are at home and awake and needing feeding/talking to? especially if you only work part time... unless you have pre-school age kids in which case yes, you fit in what you can when you can.

But it really doesn't sound like your daughter is being unreasonable in the attention she is seeking...

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 24/07/2018 14:09

I don't think I've explained properly. Each of these time events take an hour or more. So from getting in from school to bedtime, she's grabbing about 3-4 hours of my time! That's normal?

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SpiderDance · 24/07/2018 14:09

What you described sounds perfectly normal. I think it's lovely she wants to spend quality time with you.

IKnowItsTIMHONKSTIMHONKS · 24/07/2018 14:10

I expect parenting to take up all of my time. It's not like a job where you hit a certain time and you get to clock off.

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 24/07/2018 14:10

Ennirem What else would you be doing whil your kids are at home and awake and needing feeding/talking to

God...well I work till 3.00pm so I have a LOT to do! Unpacking shopping, cooking, a bit of tidying...God forbid I should actually get a bit of time to myself! Hmm

Then there's the dinner to cook and emails to answer...DH to chat to and other DD to spend a bit of time with! Pets to feed....

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Original poster
AjasLipstick · 24/07/2018 14:11

So you all think it's normal that one child gets 3 hours or more of your time every evening?? I know I never explained the timing in my OP but I did in a subsequent post...is that really usual?

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Ennirem · 24/07/2018 14:12

If she's taking time away from your other kids I can see it might be a problem. Can you do activities all together some evenings, or does she insist on it being just 'you time'? But tbh, if your kids getting home from school around 4 and going to be around 8, those 3-4 hours are their time imo. You have time after they're in bed to veg out or do housework surely? Do you have a partner and if so where are they in all this?

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 24/07/2018 14:12

DH doesn't get in till' 6 and he's knackered as he works a physical job so I always cook...and I want to say hi etc to him.

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drspouse · 24/07/2018 14:12

Gosh, half your time at home? That's not very much! Ok my DCs are younger but...

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 24/07/2018 14:13

Ennirem well older DD is 14 and doesn't want to play...she'd rather talk to me one on one aswell.

Younger DD goes to bed at 9/9.30...any earlier and she doesn't sleep. She gets up fine though.

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Original poster
AjasLipstick · 24/07/2018 14:14

I don't know. Maybe I'm not explaining it well. She's very demanding...it has to be very focused on her. And it feels like a LOT. Read for an hour. Play for an hour or more...talk for an hour....it's a lot to me.

I am also knackered after work...

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Ennirem · 24/07/2018 14:14

God...well I work till 3.00pm so I have a LOT to do! Unpacking shopping, cooking, a bit of tidying...God forbid I should actually get a bit of time to myself! hmm

I work 8-4 5 days a week, other half works 9-5. We see mornings and early evenings as time with our daughter. That's what we had her for! All the other stuff gets done by one of us while the other is playing with her, or we all do it together (get her involved in cooking dinner etc) or we do it when she's asleep. I don't see this changing particularly until she starts getting bored with us!

CaptainHarville · 24/07/2018 14:17

I have 3 children and no none of them get me to themselves for 3 hours a night. Not enough hours in the evening. If I did that in the school holidays or on a weekend what are the rest supposed to be doing while I'm busy with one of them. I do think kids will take and take until you draw a line. Maybe you need to give her attention in other ways. Would she help you cook dinner for example?

BetterEatCheese · 24/07/2018 14:17

My dd (7) is like this and more. Normal as far as I'm concerned.

Ennirem · 24/07/2018 14:17

If she's awake until 9-9.30 that's quite challenging... when does 14 yo go to sleep? Will she accept focus from your DP instead of you sometimes? Of course she should learn to entertain herself a bit but it does sound like she does from time to time... I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but I just wish I could work part time and spend more time with my DD, evenings feel too short and she'll be young for such a little while... I can't imagine wanting her to just leave me alone frankly! But circumstances are all different I guess and our thresholds for things are different...

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 24/07/2018 14:18

Ennirem oh right....so you're happy for every single day, to spend all of your spare time with her? I must be a cold hearted bitch for wanting a bit of respite then.

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SpiderDance · 24/07/2018 14:18

Well how is she if you say no? I can see how it's problematic. I have three children so obviously I couldn't dedicate 3 exclusive hours per child per day.

But equally I do think the time from them coming in from school to going to bed is time for the children, I wouldn't expect to have 'me' time during that period.

Hideandgo · 24/07/2018 14:20

Manor and Amanduh, why be so unkind? You know what she means.

All kids are so different I guess they will all need differing levels of concentration. One of my 4 takes about 50% of the family time and energy in our house for the last few years. I guess it’s just important that we meet the needs of each individual child but while doing that, you could see if there are ways you can increase her independence or figure out how to meet her needs without constantly having your attention grabbed by her when you’re trying to get other things done.

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 24/07/2018 14:20

DH has said himself that he feels he should do more and on Fridays he always takes her out for a long walk with the dog...but he's just very physically tired...so I don't resent him for not being more on hand for playing duties.

My 14 year old goes to sleep at about 10.00pm but she's 14...a lot of her evening is spent talking to her mates on the phone or putting make up on! Or watching Netflix. She does chat to me but usually after DD1 has gone to bed.

DD1 is VERY talkative.

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ConciseandNice · 24/07/2018 14:23

I have 5 kids and my 10 year old daughter is just like this. I am emotionally and physically drained from it. My others are happy and get on. It’s incredibly hard. My marriage has suffered because I end up resenting carrying the emotional load and time needed for our daughter. It’s hard to find balance. I don’t want our others to miss out. I feel your pain.

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 24/07/2018 14:23

Spider if I say no, she'll likely have a tantrum. Or a bit of a hissy fit at least. Then nag me.

Hide her independence has increased a bit..in that she will at least go to bed these days! Her bedtimes were a nightmare for years and years. Caused DH and I untold stress. We had tears and all kinds for a long while.

It's as though, since she sorted out her bedtime, she has to "make up for it" by demanding all she can during waking hours.

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