To ask if any of you have DC who need an awful lot of one to one time?

[AjasLipstick]

One of mine, my youngest who is ten... is so bright and funny and charming but she seems to need SO much one on one with me!

She's wonderful if she gets this dedicated time and wonderful after it too. But if she's feeling a bit neglected, her behaviour slides...but it's as though she's not aware of it....I don't think she does this for attention in a bad way....just that she seems to need a lot of input from me.

So she'll come home from school...chill out for an hour or more. Then she will want me to watch a tv show with her on Netflix. Then she'll leave me alone. Then she'll want to play something with me...a board game or for me to watch her latest tricks on the trampoline.

Then she'll be ok. Then before bed, she wants to talk, have a snack with me and to read to me.

I'm bloody knackered by this time as I work part time etc...housework and all that.

Is anyone else's tween like this? She's popular at school...lots of friends. Struggles a bit academically but her teacher says she tries her best and is obviously a gifted performer and also socially very able. So I try not to worry...but God she's KNACKERING!

I don't remember getting anywhere near this level of dedicated attention as a child

No, very different times. But I think we're much more aware these days of children's emotional needs rather than just physical ones. And we have better relationships with our dc as a result.

To all the people saying this is just what kids are like, it can’t be because each family would only be able to have one child! Seriously there would not be enough hours in the day

I imagine what people mean is it's not unusual for her to want it and to try and get it by fair means or foul; but of course if the OP has other commitments that can't be avoided she'll need to fall in around them, all only children have to learn to share attention once they have siblings, but I think it's a given they won't always be gracious about it!

If the OP really needs that alone/partner time in the early evening to be happy and to function well then she should carve it out and guard it with rules and routine; but I think she should also acknowledge her daughter's desire for her attention is normal, and her need for solitude may be a bit towards the introverted end of the spectrum, and it will have to be a compromise between the two.

Mine is similar op. It's exhausting. I tell her 'I will do x with you, then I need to do y whilst you entertain yourself for a bit'. That seems to help a lot.

I have three DC and the middle one has always been the neediest, from birth. I’ve just accepted it is her personality at this stage and I can’t change it.

You are more like your older daughter, hence you find your younger one trickier.
But if you have a child who needs so much attention the key is to get her involved in the jobs you have to do. You can chat while folding washing. She can help cook dinner. Even have her doing activities in the kitchen while you do cleaning.
Thats how most of us cope. And then giving some one on one time concentrated on special activities.

But I'd also suggest you read up on Eysenck's theories of Introversion and Extroversion and discuss them with your DDs. Introverts need time "alone" as they find "together" time too stimulating. Whereas extroverts destress with others.

It could be that your younger DD isn't getting as much "active time" with others at school, so is making up for it at home. Is she happy at school?
Is your job one where you are with people all the time?

And its okay to explain "Mum needs 1/2 hour to decompress after we get in", and to build that into your routine.

I mean....I'm glad she gets so much from interacting with others. It amazes me that she makes friends so easily...it's wonderful to watch as someone who has often struggled in that way.

I remember seeing her as a 3 year old glide into her first day at preschool with supreme confidence and how the other kids gravitated to her...and being amazed! I am glad shes who she is but I am tired!

She's an extrovert, you are an introvert, so what you get from an interaction is very different and you find it stressful

Two things spring to mind:

1. can you structure her time, so that she knows that at 4pm, say, you will read together. This might help bring other activities to a close if she knows that she is definitely getting your time again later.

2. Is she helping you with the chores? She can certainly help you unpack the shopping, do the cooking, hanging out the washing. Even if she just sits in the kitchen and chats to you while you are doing stuff, so you are still getting things done and she still has the time with you that she clearly needs

Bek thanks but did you not read my OP? I say in that how popular and socially able she is. she's got friends everywhere she goes and at school she's at the centre of all activity. it's her joy...playtime is "the BEST" and her mates are gorgeous.

Olenna I think I will get a bigger clock and tell her at what time things WILL be happening.

And as for her helping me....I definitely will try that.

I have one that needs physical closeness.....i get to the point that I hate being pawed at! He needs to cosleep every so often and will literally sleep attached to my back like some kind of alien sucker...but he is much happier after that. He has been this way from birth...it's draining. My other kid needs a fair bit of attention (not as extreme as you but quite a lot, and quite focused)...it's exhausting!

@AjasLipstick

I understand this as my older sister was like your daughter as a child, so much so that my family struggled to give me enough attention as she wanted all of it. Even though she was popular, somewhat talented at dancing, when older she placed decently in beauty pageants, had loads of friends, and could get a boyfriend easily, there was never enough attention for her.

My family realised too late that giving her all the attention she wanted did more harm then good for both of us. As an adult she still wants all the attention and feels entitled to the world to revolve around her, she's selfish, self-centered, petty, and vapid.

As an adult I struggle to ask for what I need emotionally from people I'm close to and struggle to ask for help because I was trained to assume I wouldn't have my needs fulfilled.

I get it, OP. You obviously love your girls and spending time with them, but you also need a bit of peace at times too. I think that is reasonable, especially if late bedtimes mean you're not getting much time to yourself in the evening, and I think a lot of parents feel the same way. That is why Xboxes/iPads etc are so popular! It's nice that your DD wants to spend so much time with you, but she must learn that you have needs too.

Gardner yes that's it! She would sit on her tablet for four hours but we just don't like that. So we only let her watch a bit. ..couple of hours or so.

My older daughter is like this - she's only 5 but demands so much more attention than my younger daughter and similarily misbehaves if she's not getting this attention (again not on purpose but just acting up).

I think it must just be down to personalities. I don't get it as I was not close to my mother and she had very little time for one on one with 4 kids.

I'm sure she'll develop more independence as she grows and you will have a lovely strong bond during her teenage years.

Practically speaking the only thing I can suggest is that your partner does one on one with her at least one to two nights a week and you get out of the house and have some alone/me time that evening, perhaps just coming back in time for bedtime. My friend used to just go to the corner cafe to read a book/magazine twice a week for an hour when her husband came home and that kept her sane.

My eldest needs quite a bit of 1:1 time. We have 2 hours once a month where just me and her do something. Nothing electrical, we usually go to KFC and a walk or bike ride. In between times I let her come to Aldi alone with me if DH is home and spend 15 minutes at bedtime plaiting her hair and listening to her read. This seems enough - the reassurance the time will be made.

Jesus, the level of sanctimonious martyrdom here never ceases to amaze me. We get it, you’ve subsumed your entire personality to your child, have a cookie

OP it is perfectly normal and reasonable to want some down time from your children at any age - as your dd is 10 perhaps you could talk about introversion/extraversion and get her to start thinking about it and how it affects our relationships with friends and family. She’s old enough to understand that people like different things and that she needs to adapt her way of relating to people to suit them, just as they do for her. She sounds lovely and very interested in people, which is fantastic.

Neckline I must do things like that with DD at least once or twice a week! And she's still never satisfied.

Get her involved with housework? You could get the shopping delivered and she can unpack it. That saves some time.
If she does some jobs then you spend time together you'll have saved some time to yourself while shes occupied

We get it, you’ve subsumed your entire personality to your child, have a cookie

Urgh I hate this. If women are passionate about almost anything else (music, travel, writing) they are praised and told how wonderful it is. If a woman dares to admit she actually enjoys her child more than anything else she is painted as some martyred cow-like drudge. It's the inversion of the 'heartless career woman' stereotype and it's crap.

As it happens I have numerous passions and interests, which I am perfectly capable of retaining alongside motherhood. I have a personality, thank you very much. So does my daughter, it's a brilliant one. I am not the least bit diminished as a person by my love for her and my interest in her. She will need me for maybe 12 years if I'm lucky. I intend to make the most of them.

My youngest DS was like this, we signed him up for physical activities cadets etc a couple of nights a week. It was a pain having to do drop offs and pick ups but we shared the load with another family and alternated. So got a break even for an hour or so twice a week. I understand your DH has a physical tiring job but surely he could watch programmes or read a book do homework with your DD to give you a break.
I agree with a PP take turns, one evening your DH manages on his own and you go OUT the next night he gets to have free time. it will be better for everyone it you both have a little me time to recharge your batteries. Have you tried mindfulness? I found it very helpful to "switch my thoughts off for a while" it's not at all woo and has good scientific evidence to back it up.
They even deliver it in schools now maybe your DD would benefit as well, lots of free online resources.
Another thing my DH and I would do is each take a morning at the weekend so say Saturday you get up in the morning he gets a lie in for a couple of hours, gets to drink coffee and read in bed, go to the gym whatever he prefers. Then he gets up on the Sunday morning and you get to do what you like. Sometimes I lived through a demanding week just counting on having a morning to myself.
My son didn't understand the concept of waiting very well ASN so if I said I have to do something first then I will play with you in 20 mins I used to set a kitchen timer for 20mins and then he knew when it went off that was his time, and it stopped him pestering me every 5 mins, it also focuses you when you know you have only 20 mins (or whatever time you said) to get a chore done.

DD(4) Is very full on. It is only the pair of us here most the time so she's had a hell of a lot of attention.

You need to find some tv you both like. My eldest dc is like this. The only way I cope is watching crap tv while she cuddles me. I get downtime and she gets the attention she wants. Her younger siblings not at all clingy. Barely a wave goodbye !

What about putting her to bed at 7.30

Putting her to bed?? She's TEN! It won't be long before she's staying up later in the evening.

knit yes we all need downtime from our dc. But the OP has said her dd has an hour by herself after school and more time later on. I don't think watching a tv programme with your child, playing a board game and a chat before bed is unreasonable.

I don’t think what you describe is normal. Has she always been like this or was she good at independent play when younger? Anything happened to unsettle her? Is she moving schooos in sept and worried?