To ask if any of you have DC who need an awful lot of one to one time?

[AjasLipstick]

One of mine, my youngest who is ten... is so bright and funny and charming but she seems to need SO much one on one with me!

She's wonderful if she gets this dedicated time and wonderful after it too. But if she's feeling a bit neglected, her behaviour slides...but it's as though she's not aware of it....I don't think she does this for attention in a bad way....just that she seems to need a lot of input from me.

So she'll come home from school...chill out for an hour or more. Then she will want me to watch a tv show with her on Netflix. Then she'll leave me alone. Then she'll want to play something with me...a board game or for me to watch her latest tricks on the trampoline.

Then she'll be ok. Then before bed, she wants to talk, have a snack with me and to read to me.

I'm bloody knackered by this time as I work part time etc...housework and all that.

Is anyone else's tween like this? She's popular at school...lots of friends. Struggles a bit academically but her teacher says she tries her best and is obviously a gifted performer and also socially very able. So I try not to worry...but God she's KNACKERING!

Op, i understand your struggles. I have one boy who wants my constant attention100% of the time when were together. I dont begrudge him it, he is my only child, but on top of working full time and house cooking etc sometimes i just want 5 mins to myself, and i dont even get to have a wee in peace most of the time. I am a single mom.

My son is 11 now and he is starting to understand, setting a routine and boundaries will Help.

Sorry about the judgement you are getting on here, everyone is different and you shouldnt be slated for wanting a little time to yourself every day.

Forgot I suspect some people don't quite know what it's really like with a child like ours. It's not like a child who just wants a bit of attention...it's constant and I have to persuade her to end each activity with me by promising her that the next one will definitely happen.

I think its normal. It probably feels a bit much because your other DD in comparison was nothing like this so its understandable that you're questioning it.
Is she the youngest or are there younger children? I ask this because i have noticed in my family and extended families and my siblings in laws families that the eldest child in a multiple child family is always more fiercly independent due to parents needing to focus attentions more on the younger sibling (especially when younger is newborn).
The youngest can be clingier because they havent experienced this. So my eldest brother was very independent aged 10/11 whereas i was very much daddys girl still at that age and from the moment he came home to the moment i went to bed i just wanted to talk to dad, eat with him, watch tv with him, read with him etc. I never had a younger sibling so i never saw the attention move to a newborn.

Do you get my drift? I hope i make sense. Im not saying this is a given, but is seems to be what is most likely to happen.

Ennirem oh right....so you're happy for every single day, to spend all of your spare time with her? I must be a cold hearted bitch for wanting a bit of respite then.

Oooookaaaaay.... bit of a strong reaction! I clearly never implied anything of the kind. Yeah, I kind of would actually, I think she's brilliant fun, but as I say she's 18 mths so by the time she's 10 (especially if she has a sibling) I may feel differently. But it's not all your spare time at all actually, unless you are going to bed at 9 and have no weekends, and she's never been baby sat while you and DH went out/away etc.

You asked if it was normal, lots of people are telling you it is. Just because it's normal doesn't mean you have to like it or accomodate it, it's your life. Do what you like!

Maybe programme in special 'mum and DD' time but set limits, like "we'll do whatever you want between 7 and 8 but before then I have to make dinner/after then I'm going to have a cuppa with your dad" and pull her up on any ensuing acting out by saying if she makes you waste time dealing with her behaviour now, you'll have no time for 'mum and DD time' tomorrow night. She's old enough to understand consequences!

Seriously, I was just giving you my thoughts and feelings as you asked what people thought. We're all different, and you're clearly not a cold bitch or a bad mum - if you were, she wouldn't be so keen to spend time with you! Try not to take things that are innocently meant so defensively.

Nice yes...sometimes I could just cry with it. I'm quite a loner myself and after talking all day at work I badly need a bit of time to myself but to have to wait till 9.30pm each night is awful because I'm almost ready for bed by then!

P.s you're doing a wonderful job!

I can see why you are exhausted if she is not going to bed until 9:30. Can you put her to bed earlier? Not necessarily to sleep but just quietly in her room reading independently?

My 10 year old has ASD and sleep issues. I used to consider it a success if he was asleep by midnight. He now takes Melatonin and falling asleep a lot earlier (usually around 10pm) but his 'bedtime' is 8:30, he goes to his room and then is allowed to entertain himself for an hour providing he is quiet. Then lights out at 9:30.

Buns no she's the youngest. I hope it gets better as she matures! Thanks for your insight.

No, if you have more than one child, I don't think its reasonable to expect time to yourself each day, or to be able to do chores in peace.

Honestly, I think you need to adjust your expectations a little here and just accept things the way they are for the time being.

You chose to bring your DCs into the world, and you have a responsibility to meet their needs.

Nobody's expecting you to martyr yourself OP, it won't be forever, but can't you perhaps reframe this in your mind to be 'flattering' (poor word, but you get the gist!). Be honoured that your DCs want to spend time with you. They'll be embarrassed by the sight of you soon enough and thats surely got to be worse?

Spider I do...well I put her in there by about 8.30...but she keeps coming out on pretence of needing a hug, needing something....if I put her light out at .9.30 or 9.00 , then she's shattered by then and falls asleep quickly.

Manor I don't remember getting anywhere near this level of dedicated attention as a child. I was lucky to have a bit of a play with my Dad and to hang round my Mum while she cooked. I was fine though!

I honestly don't think it reasonable....I think that by the time a child is 10 a parent should be able to have an hour to themselves after work...not right away but by about 6.30pm, I should be able to sit and talk to DH after dinner for a bit...or read or come on MN or something.

I think that you have dc on opposite ends of the spectrum. Your older dd is as unusual as your younger o
My second and third child have the same age gap and do stuff together

And by the way I do understand to a point - my daughter was an incredibly difficult demanding baby, always angry and flat out would not entertain herself even for a minute - all those people saying "oh at 4 months old she'll just lie on the mat and stare around!" made me want to scream, she had to be on me all the time and I had to constantly give her changing input or she'd scream and scream for hours. Not a sleeper either (still isn't, 3 or 4 wakes a night is standard). I was on my knees I swear, all I wanted was to NOT BE TOUCHED or demanded from for half an hour, so I do know what it's like to just NEED some time alone and not get it - my threshold is probably just different to yours but that doesn't make yours invalid. Sorry if I came off bitchy. Now she's an incredibly delightful toddler (apart from the sleep) and I can't get enough of her, just in time to have to go back to work full time - sod's law isn't it? Grass is always greener!

...but you've got your whole life to do that, whereas you only have the shortest time when your DCs are small.

Why did you choose to have DCs if you only wanted to interact with them your terms? It seems so Victorian and cold.

Manor I try to think that sometimes...I've said to DH "Well I'll miss these days when she's twenty>..: and so on. I don't exactly ONLY want to interact with them on my terms but I don't want to always interact with them on THEIR terms either. Which is how it is at the moment.

I do spontaneous things with her too...you know...just run around the garden and things. Or take her out for hot chocolate when it's raining...but she does demand a LOT more than I feel I have to give.

I'm not cold though. not at all.

I think that your older dd is as unusual as your younger one and that the average parent is spending 1.5-2 hours with their 10 year old between after school and bedtime doing stuff like watching trampoline tricks.

Do your girls ever do stuff together? I have the same age gap and mine sometimes prefer each other's company.

Op my oldest was like this. I say was because since senior school she has been really different.
She does LOADS of activities( all lead by her) and sees friends loads .now she can interact more with the world, she needs less input from me.

I know it doesn’t help you today, but maybe hope for the near future?

Oh yea, and I used to get mine to help me cook and do jobs for me which she was great at, and seemed to give her some input time.

To all the people saying this is just what kids are like, it can’t be because each family would only be able to have one child! Seriously there would not be enough hours in the day.

Raining yes that is true. DD 1 is VERY self-contained (like me!) and also very independent. She's happy to do her own thing...she goes out at weekends with her mates and is very mature for her age so she has to really drop a number of levels to play with DD2...she does on occasion have a bit of rough and tumble with her little sister though. THey both like that.

OP, I can understand you finding it difficult as she is very different from your older child. But all children are different and need their parents different amounts and in different ways.

Some children really need their parents a lot MORE as they head towards the teenage years. Sometimes they want to mull over what's happened at school, friendship issues and so on.

I think you have to accept her how she is. It will be a lot easier on you if you embrace her wanting to be with you rather than wishing she'd go off and do her own thing. And you can chat to her while doing chores, making dinner etc - get her involved in helping you.

Ohyesiam DD often tells me "When I'm as old as (big sister) I;ll be going out to town all the time you know...me and my friends will go EVERYWHERE!" and I think "I bet you will!"

Well you’ve got a little extrovert on your hands there, me too. Poster child.

I’m considering enrolling mine in martial arts, in the hope she could develop a rich INNER life, and perhaps some silent practice time??

I’m no introvert either, but I’m certainly a few stops closer to the middle of that spectrum. I feel your pain. Things need to get done. Boring, middle aged household things. You can’t always be engaged in game after game.

Read up on extroverts and what they need (as opposed to want), and also ‘internal locus of control’. I found it illuminating.

What about putting her to bed at 7.30 so asleep by 8.30 in theory?

I agree that the amount of undivided attention she wants is greater than usual for a child of her age particularly with the reactions she gives if she doesn't get it.
Have you tried setting up some agreed times with her when you will do things with her?
Do you think she seems anxious?

In terms of proportion of time in the evenings- if you have two children and a husband, and one child takes up 3/4 hours up til almost your bedtime, I'm amazed that some posters think this is just parenting. When does your other child get parented? What about quality time with your husband? What about a bit of time off for yourself, having come in, done the tea and the 'double shift' and then needing a break?

Or- even for the child themselves, learning to be alone more.

I do think this is an emotionally intense age and some children need more time with others, I have one of each like you and they are vastly different and it can lead to the quieter more self-sufficient one not getting a look in. I would just decide how much time is reasonable and push back on the rest for that evening. IMO, you are not the entertainer/therapist for one child only, you are the conductor of the orchestra and you have to gain a bit of space to be able to do that properly. Also, as they grow older they will start to enjoy talking on the phone/texting/friends as an outlet for their sociable ways and that also helps a bit I've found.

Skittles DH has suggested martial arts. She was doing acro gym for a while and liked it but it got very expensive as they wanted her to go to all these competitions MILES away and she didn't like the travelling.

I am so not an extrovert...I will read some stuff! THanks for the tips.