Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not help family more financially

80 replies

user1471558723 · 24/07/2018 12:42

I have a nephew and niece, they are both at university. They visit me regularly and I enjoy seeing them. I always pay their train fare and provide treats when they are with me. I don't invite them, I don't need to as they always invite themselves over. Sometimes it's a bit inconvenient, but I reason that it's nice that they still want to spend time with me.
I have started to notice that when they visit there is always a catalogue of woes about their financial situation. I'm starting to feel manipulated into giving more money than I want to, to them.
I feel they think the are entitled to help with their cars, insurance etc. I don't really think that it's up to an aunty to support them in this way. I'm getting a bit anxious that I seem to have acquired two extra dependants just when I am thinking of slowing down a bit at work and enjoying spending some money on myself. At long last all my own children are self supporting and I don't have to worry about them. Now my niece and nephew are starting to make me feel like I should be helping them out. Am I being unreasonable to be a bit fed up and not to want to see quite so much of them?

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 24/07/2018 12:46

Have you talked to their parents about this. It's their parents job not yours.

NewYearNewMe18 · 24/07/2018 12:48

Do their parents know they are taping you for money ?

sonjadog · 24/07/2018 12:52

I am a financially independent auntie and it has never occured to me that I need to support my nowhere and niece financially. That’s their parents’ business. I think you are there for the sympathetic ear, not the handouts.

Original poster

user1471558723 · 24/07/2018 12:56

They don't see their dad. I think some of it is learned behaviour from their mother. I have always had to prop her up financially, she is terrible with money. I don't think she would help me.

I was just seeking other opinions. I'm happy to buy train fares and give them a bit of spending money from time to time, but I am really shocked that they think its acceptable to make heavy hints that they need money for digs, insurance cars etc. I wondered if it's normal for "aunties and uncles" to be expected to fork out in this way.

OP posts:

NewYearNewMe18 · 24/07/2018 12:57

No it isn't normal.

sonjadog · 24/07/2018 12:57

Ignore the heavy hints and stop giving them money. Unless you want them also to be financial reliant on you as adults.

IdaDown · 24/07/2018 13:06

Learn to make the “mmm” noises and have some sympathetic phrases to hand - “ yes, it’s so expensive”, “that’s a shame” etc... just be prepared that they don’t visit as often.

Uncreative · 24/07/2018 13:08

Listen and be understanding. Then recommend they check online to make sure the loan they will have to get is at the best available interest rate.

SeaCabbage · 24/07/2018 13:09

Do you still help out their mum? I would stop that if I were you. They need to know that you are not their cash cow. They have learned this behaviour from their mother.

By all means, slow down at work and be happy yourself before looking after someone else's children!

Original poster

user1471558723 · 24/07/2018 13:11

Good advice.
Ida, I did that this week end. I feel a bit rotten now, but I really don't want to shoulder the burden of them financially.
It's troubling the way that money can alter the dynamics in a family.

OP posts:

MiniCooperLover · 24/07/2018 13:11

Unfortunately they've seen you help their mum (your sister I assume?) and they've decided now it's their turn. Pay train tickets but stop with the spending money. Sadly I imagine you may not need to pay more train fares after that as the visits will taper out.

PorkFlute · 24/07/2018 13:12

If you are a lot better off then I think it is pretty normal to help out nieces and nephews tbh.
But entirely up to you whether you’re willing too. Are you sure they’re hinting for cash and not just moaning?

RabbitsAreTasty · 24/07/2018 13:14

Stop propping up your sister too!

Original poster

user1471558723 · 24/07/2018 13:26

Pork I did take it that they were just moaning at first.

A good friend of mine was staying with me this weekend and witnessed my neice's behaviour. It was she who pointed out that my neice was angling towards me getting her a new car, and helping towards paying for the more expensive accommodation that she would prefer.

I feel so uncomfortable about it all. I know I will always have to help my sister out. I don't want the responsibility of my neice and nephew too. They have parental grandparents who support them financially and emotionally.
I suppose I needed a sounding board, to try and get my thoughts in order! Thank you all for helping.

OP posts:

PorkFlute · 24/07/2018 13:30

If you didn’t think your niece was hinting for cash I’d ignore your friend. Surely you know your niece better? Sounds like your friend is trying to stir a bit.
Give what you are prepared to give and no more. They are only ‘tapping you up’ if that’s how you want to interpret it unless they are straight out asking for money. Maybe they just want someone to listen?

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2018 13:32

my neice was angling towards me getting her a new car, and helping towards paying for the more expensive accommodation that she would prefer

That is one of the oddest things I've ever read. Why on earth would you? What would you and your own DC miss out on in order to do this?

It's your money, you've worked to have it, no one else is entitled to it.

I know you're trying to be nice but paying for their train fares and "spending money" (what on earth for?!) when they invite themselves to visit you is the thin end of the wedge and now they're rampantly taking the piss.

Asking for yet more when you're already going above and beyond would stop me from letting the dynamic continue as they're ungrateful and seem to be getting greedier and more entitled.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2018 13:33

And you don't need to keep supporting your sister. She's an adult with adult children. Your parents have done a right number on you. It's honestly not your job!

Bananalanacake · 24/07/2018 13:37

Does your sister work. Why do you think you have to give her money? Help her by finding what benefits she can claim.

HollowTalk · 24/07/2018 13:44

Come on, OP, you don't have to help your sister out now! You have children of your own and you need to focus on yourself.

I was really shocked that your niece was hinting about a car and better accommodation! That's really bad of her.

If you stop giving to their mum, as others have said, then it'll be easier to stop giving to them.

I think I would be less available to see them for a few years if refusing them is difficult face-to-face.

Gatehouse77 · 24/07/2018 13:46

Can I ask what you get out of seeing them? Do you do it because you want to spend time with them or because you feel obliged? Do you enjoy their company (when not talking about money)? Is your sister's dependency on you very visible to you niece and nephew?

It comes across as a one-way relationship from what's been said so far.

kaytee87 · 24/07/2018 13:49

Just stop giving them more than you want to.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 24/07/2018 13:49

It's doesn't sound as though you are actually helping your sister - there comes a point where supporting the person can turn into supporting the problem. What would happen if your circumstances changed and you were no longer able to keep subbing her? She'd sink fast. If you truly want to help her then you need to sit and and go through her incomings/outgoings etc with her and work out a plan (or point her in the right direction to do this). If she refuses, then you can step away with your conscience clear. You are enabling her to be terrible with money and enabling your nephew and niece down the same path.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/07/2018 13:52

They have cars. If they’re in financial dire straits they sell them. Most students don’t have cars. And as for buying your niece a new(er) one, the mind boggles. Wow nicer accommodation - does she want to live in one of those, which looks like a set from the tv series Friends at your expense? I took the cheapest I could find. I was at university into the early 90’s so finished 25ish years ago. We didn’t have central heating so the insides of the windows froze and the carpets disintegrated to the touch. Now I’m not saying she should live like this. But your n&n are royally taking the piss!

You need to shut this down and tell them you are no longer in a position to help them anymore and wish them well in finding part time or holiday jobs.

YearOfYouRemember · 24/07/2018 13:52

YANBU. Cheeky sods.

My Nana never saw her other two grand children from one month to the next then strangely a week before Christmas, their birthdays, going on holidays they would visit her .

Original poster

user1471558723 · 24/07/2018 13:54

She is on minimum wage, part time.
I'm happy to help her (most of the time). I don't like it when she feels that she is entitled to help. I suppose that I'm subconsciously worried that her children will turn out the same way.
They are both doing good solid subjects at university they should be able to forge lucrative and rewarding careers for themselves. Their parental grandparents have been amazing, giving them a lovely home and lots of emotional support.
I need to tread carefully, I can see. I am grateful that you have all taken time to give your opinions. I wouldn't to talk about this with anyone but strangers! I felt quite uncomfortable when my normally reticent friend gave her opinion quite so frankly. I suppose she has seen quite a lot over the years, and said very little until now.

Thank you

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4