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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not help family more financially

80 replies

user1471558723 · 24/07/2018 12:42

I have a nephew and niece, they are both at university. They visit me regularly and I enjoy seeing them. I always pay their train fare and provide treats when they are with me. I don't invite them, I don't need to as they always invite themselves over. Sometimes it's a bit inconvenient, but I reason that it's nice that they still want to spend time with me.
I have started to notice that when they visit there is always a catalogue of woes about their financial situation. I'm starting to feel manipulated into giving more money than I want to, to them.
I feel they think the are entitled to help with their cars, insurance etc. I don't really think that it's up to an aunty to support them in this way. I'm getting a bit anxious that I seem to have acquired two extra dependants just when I am thinking of slowing down a bit at work and enjoying spending some money on myself. At long last all my own children are self supporting and I don't have to worry about them. Now my niece and nephew are starting to make me feel like I should be helping them out. Am I being unreasonable to be a bit fed up and not to want to see quite so much of them?

OP posts:

nonevernotever · 24/07/2018 13:55

Another vote for YANBU. I help my sister out a bit financially because she works very hard for very little and I'm well-paid. I also give my younger niece pocket money each month in exchange for chores (elder niece got the same deal until she was 18), and while elder niece is out of work (through no fault of her own) I have insisted that I will give her £100 a month. The difference is that none of them expect it - indeed I have had a huge fight to get both DSis and D N1 to accept it. If they expected it and were hinting then there's no way I would entertain it. What's more, I don't have children of my own - think it would be very different if I did.

Emmageddon · 24/07/2018 13:58

You shouldn't be giving them money, they are adults and should be self-supporting and independent.

TheFrendo · 24/07/2018 14:02

They do not need cars when they are students. These two are daft and entitled.

What are they studying? Something nebulous and non-traditional I bet (Tourism, Event Management)

Cindie943811A · 24/07/2018 14:03

OP confine your giving to birthdays and Christmas.
You can drop it into the conversation that you are now having to save towards your retirement and how uncertain the financial future is for you. Advise them, in this context, to contribute to a pension fund when they are earning as it sounds as if their mother hasn’t been in a position to model financial planning for them.

SmileSweetly · 24/07/2018 14:03

Do they have jobs? Many students have part time jobs that pay for all the extras.

I think you'll need to be blunt with them.

'It seems you'd like me to help with (new car/insurance/accommodation) but I am afraid I have to save for my own retirement as well as helping your mother financially. If I don't plan for my own future I would end up a financial burden to my children and I don't want that.'

I believe when you are firm about not offering them money and start holding back a bit financially you will suddenly get a lot less visits than you do now.

BrokenWing · 24/07/2018 14:03

Nothing wrong with moaning about money to relatives if the reason is just for a good moan or to get some advice/sympathy, my niece does it too. But she has and always would reject occasional offers I made to help out.

If they are around constantly complaining give them advice to speak to their mum, on how to make more money, or budget, or sympathise, but don't give them any more money. Time to let them be adults.

stevie69 · 24/07/2018 14:04

I wondered if it's normal for "aunties and uncles" to be expected to fork out in this way.

I wouldn't have thought so. That's exactly why I'm single and childless — because I don't want the financial responsibility for another person. As you do, OP, I'll be helping out my niece with bits and pieces now and again, but if I'd wanted to have the full financial burden I'd have had a family of my own

BlueBug45 · 24/07/2018 14:06

Your niece and nephew are rude and have no self-respect.

A couple of mine know that I know their parents financial situation so have I bought them educational related things when they were in full-time education, but they knew never to ask me or any of their other aunts and uncles for money for car insurance, car payments or accommodation. In fact they know if they asked for a new car they would be brought a second hand bike.

In their cases I did tell them I would buy them educational related things such as books if their parents couldn't afford it or didn't get paid in time, explaining how it was a problem for me at their age. Most importantly they never came to me I went to them. (In their cases they showed me exactly what to buy and where from so I could purchase it for them. )

I suggest you tell your nephew and niece clearly what you will and won't pay for and why. In this case make it clear that paying for accommodation, food and cars is their parents duty and of their mother can't pay they have to get a job. On the other hand say you are happy to pay towards books or whatever.

bigbluebus · 24/07/2018 14:10

Their mum is on a part time minimum wage job so presumably they are getting the full student loans and may qualify for other bursaries at their uni. Grandparents are also helping them out so if they want more than that they need to get a job. What are they doing over the 3 + months summer holidays? My own DS is working 50hrs a week in a warehouse for the summer on minimum wage as he needed to appreciate that if he wants lots of nights out and a holiday then he has to earn the cash. The bank of M & D has been more than generous and we would be doing him (or ourselves) no favours by handing over money just because he'd like a better lifestyle.

bimbobaggins · 24/07/2018 14:11

They can complain and hint all they want about having no money but that doesn’t mean you have to give in to them.
Do they ask you outright for money or just drop hints until you offer?

Original poster

user1471558723 · 24/07/2018 14:11

The Frendo : one is reading law and the other something near to medicine ( I don't want to give too much detail). So they have good chances of employment. They already have been awarded placements by perspective employers

OP posts:

AhhhhThatsBass · 24/07/2018 14:11

Of course they invite themselves over, given they know Auntie will drop a load of spending money on them.

I know I will always have to help my sister out. I don't want the responsibility of my neice and nephew too.
I don't understand why the burden of responsibility should fall on your, in relation to your niece and nephew and indeed your sister.

Why are you even paying their train fares? Do you think they see you as a cash cow or genuinely like spending time with you? What do you get from their visits? They sound like total spongers.

Believe me, you're doing them a favour in the long run by not funding their lifestyles. Let them work hard in uni, get a good job and fund their own.
You should be enjoying yourself with your money (assuming that's what you want to do).

As a PP said, I'd simply make all the right noises, be the sympathetic ear but leave it at that.

BunsOfAnarchy · 24/07/2018 14:11

No. They are bring ridiculous. Watch how their visits whittle down when u stop giving them money.

They are in uni. They can get part time jobs to help with car insurance etc. STOP enabling them. They will never ever EVER appreciate it.

They remind me of my husbands nephew when he was 17-20 years old. He would go into DHs wallet and take out 100/200 quid 'spending money for zante/magaluf/ibiza, because mum wont give me any'. His ridiculous mother who earns more than enough (dh's sister) wouldnt even stop him. (We werent living together or married at the time)
He is now 25 and lives 4 miles away. Hes not even bothered to come see our baby whos now nearly 4 months old. 3 years he sponged. Not even a pissing card to acknowlege his new cousin.

Sorry, had to get that out lol.

howabout · 24/07/2018 14:13

YANBU but as I have 2 late teen DDs my experience is that it is fairly standard for them and all of their friends to chance their arms as much as possible. DH also has much younger siblings and my cousins have older DC than us so we had this on repeat for the 10 years before we had DC of our own. I wouldn't read too much into your niece and nephew's behaviour. Cloth ears are your friend.

Continue as you are spending what you are happy to treat them to. Tempted to suggest your friend may be jealous of your relationship with them.

NWQM · 24/07/2018 14:14

I totally get why people are saying make it
clear what you will pay for but for me you shouldn’t have to say anything. Ignore the comments. If they show you respect by coming to and asking for a) because of b) then make a decision but don’t give in to hints. It’s rude of them.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/07/2018 14:16

They do rather sound like they see you as a soft touch, tbh - and you sound like one because you feel manipulated into giving them more money than you want to.

You don't HAVE to give them money at all, but if you CHOOSE to, then obviously only give what you can afford, there is no pressure to give more!

This is in your hands, you know - toughen up and only do what you WANT to do for them, if anything.

Original poster

user1471558723 · 24/07/2018 14:16

Prospective employer
😳
Typos!

OP posts:

mumsastudent · 24/07/2018 14:16

You need to S.K.I. even if they were your own kids I wouldn't advocate this - occasional help is ok but it should be you that decide not them asking & most parents wouldn't be able/shouldn't make life to easy - they are young adults time to be independent - they will become nicer people

shockthemonkey · 24/07/2018 14:18

Bertie Wooster seems to have got at least some of his income from his two aunts... but we're talking early 20th Century ye olde Englande, a world away from the here and now.

I agree you have no obligation to your DN and DN.

I love the suggestion above from Bug. It's a nice compromise if you want to help.

pumpkinpie01 · 24/07/2018 14:19

If she didnt have a car she would have more money, lots of students manage perfectly well without cars. My son will be starting his 3rd year at uni he has gone into his overdraft a couple of times over the last 2 years then worked and paid it off. It is quite do able without big handouts students have to adjust their lifestyle according to their finances, just like everyone else !

pennycarbonara · 24/07/2018 14:19

I tend to disagree with the Mumsnet stance on helping out friends and relatives who are financially worse off.

But students do not need cars unless they have disabilities or are on work placements with unsocial hours such as nursing. They are at the perfect stage to learn better ways of managing money. (I wonder if they are hanging out with flashy students from richer families or trying to keep up or are into celebrity style.) I would consider giving them some books on money management, e.g. Alvin Hall or more up to date alternative, so they can start learning different habits from the ones they picked up at home.

LanaorAna2 · 24/07/2018 14:20

Their mum's taught them how to do it, and she may well be telling them to do it now.

Were you helped by your aunts and uncles. grandparents, etc. - or is this just a one-generation thing?

They've been brought up in a world where financial management = asking for handouts. I would tell them as delicately but as clearly as possible that's not what the future holds for them.

Tell them in crystal that you're not funding them any more. Don't complain, don't explain why, just decline graciously.

This sounds so priggish, but you're doing them a favour - they don't know any better.

shockthemonkey · 24/07/2018 14:20

... oh and plus, Bertie's parents were "dear departed"

Original poster

user1471558723 · 24/07/2018 14:24

Cloth ears are my friend from now on! Thanks howabout😀
I can see I have made a few mistakes.

They are genuinely lovely, young people and good company most of the time.

My niece has changed recently and I'm wondering if her new boyfriend is not so wonderful as she thinks he is. She seems overly invested in him. He is always short of cash and has a dead end job.(At least he does have a job). I suppose I must just take the advice I've been offered and have a strategy, not just drift into things.
Thanks all

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 24/07/2018 14:25

Just say ‘goodness you kids don’t know what worry is! Wait till you have a mortgage , or better yet when you’re in my position looking at trying to fund 30 years of retirement!’n

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