To think about putting DD in private school in year 5?

[DragonessOfFlagstaff]

Brief history, we are very fortunate in terms of finances. We maximised this by moving to Yorkshire from Cornwall where cost of living is cheaper and we could get a lot more for our money in terms of housing. More space for DD basically.
I never put DD into private school simply because DH and I were never privately educated and I wanted her to make friends with people from all walks of life, like we did as kids.

Unfortunately she's never made friends. She's a loner who prefers being with her animals and although I've tried putting her in clubs (brownies etc) she never enjoyed them.

With secondary school fast approaching I tried one last ditch attempt and getting her to make friends and It's all gone so wrong.

First I told her to invite a friend to Alton towers. She did, and got a response that they couldn't afford it. I offered to pay and the girl told DD that her mum said no as she isn't a charity case.

2nd attempt, I told DD to invite her friend to the stables. It wouldn't cost anything, DD and friend could do an hour or so of volunteering and then get to ride for an hour or so. The friend came, loved it and went home asking for a horse. The mum contacted me and asked if I could arrange for her DD to work at the stables every weekend in exchange for riding lessons. Unfortunately the owners said no. I passed this on with apologies so the mum asked if her DD could just ride my DDs horse instead. I explained this wasn't really possible as the horse is a bit forward for a beginner (true and I didn't want her getting hurt). I never got a reply and a message got passed on through the DD to my DD that she wasn't to hang out with her anymore as I was a snob. So that one ended on a sour note.
Final attempt, I arranged a pool party at our house. Went all out with snacks, drinks, candy floss, BBQ etc - invited 3 girls who I have occasionally seen DD with.

They all came. DD sat on her own or with the dogs throughout the day whilst the other girls all played. I kept telling her to join in and she got upset and said she didn't want to. After the party it turned out they had told her they were only here because none of them had pools and this didn't mean they were her friends.

I'm fuming. I'm seriously considering just putting her in private school now but would it even make a difference? Will she still be a loner and disliked??! I'm so cross I actually feel like pulling her out of school altogether but that won't exactly do much for social skills will it.

It sounds as though you might be trying a bit too hard.

Expensive trips out, horse riding and 'all out' pool parties - are you rubbing people's noses in the fact that u might be a bit better off than others?
How about one child round for a play session after school with pizza and chips for tea?

I don't think a private school would necessarily be any better if your DD genuinely doesn't want to mix/know how to mix with others. Children at private school can be just as bitchy as those at state - and I say that with 2 DCs at private secondaries.

I think you need to work on your DDs social skills. What is she interested in? can you find a club/hobby base round that where she might be more relaxed and willing to interact with others?

If you feel your finances are what is setting your DD apart from her classmates, then you'd be less likely to find that issue in a private school. I speak from vast experience on this issue.

But it sounds like your DD struggles a bit socially so I'm not sure a change of school would help that.

I have tried inviting them around for tea and nobody ever wants to come. That's why I tried adding fun activities to it.

Can you just invite one friend round for a low key play date/tea?

Is your DD happy? If she is a loner who likes animals then that’s ok, or does she want friends?

Sorry cross post!

I do feel your pain. DD also struggles socially and despite classmates quite happy to come back here, she rarely gets invited back

Don't try to arrange friendships for your daughter. What you did try was quite reasonable but these girls are not your daughter's friends.

As she gets older she will form friendships and they will lasting ones.
It's quite OK to be a loner.

Regarding putting daughter into private school, if there is an accessible and reputable one that you and she think would be good for her, why not? On the other if, despite not forming friendships, she is quite happy and doing well where she is, no need.

I think it possibly is the difference in wealth setting your DD apart, from what you’ve said. Why not try another school and see how it goes? If she is a bit of a loner at least you’ll know for sure

Does your daughter do pony club? A good way to meet other girls with their own ponies?

I think it sounds hard, bring the "posh girl" is bound to set get apart from her peers. If you can afford it then why not give private school a go?

What does your daughter think about changing schools?

Has your DD been at this school from the start or only recently? If it's a small school and she's new friendships could have been long established and difficult for a new comer to break into. Have you spoken to her teacher about your concerns?

Ponies, pools and Alton Towers are all rather ostentatious for the average state school parent. You sound rather intimidating to me. You may have done well financially moving to Yorkshire, but some of us have always lived here, without ponies or pools!

Is DD happy being a loner? Has she said she wants friends?

If she's a loner and prefers being with the animals then unfortunately you may not be able to change that no matter what you do.

I don't see any harm in trying the private school option though if you are able to - doesn't sound like you have much to lose but potentially she has lots to gain...

I think it's lovely you're so concerned about your DD but that you're overlooking the good in the situation. Yes she's a solitary kid but in my view that's massively underrated!

This struck a bit of a chord as I was just like that at school as I was happy enough in my own company that I could afford to be choosy about friends. There was nobody in my class I had much in common with.

Im not really placed to comment on whether she'd be happier at private school so i know im not really answering your question but she has things that make her happy, horse riding, animals so I think you should help her develop her interests rather than push the friendship agenda and she will probably meet people who have a deeper vein of similarity than just being in the same class at school. I'm now in my early 30s and have a smallish number of really close friends and a good few other mates I get on with. I don't see them every day but really relish the time we do spend together.

I remember my mum being very worried about me and calling me 'weird' for being solitary as she and my DB are much more social people which affects my confidence even now. Not suggesting you're like this with your DD but I honestly don't think you need to worry so much, some of us are just happy alone a lot of the time!

Be glad she is content without the company of people like those girls trying to exclude her. They exist in adult life as well.

It doesn't sound like your DD has anything in common with the girls that she is currently at school with and they sound a little mean.

Would she be going to secondary school with the same kids?

As you can afford it I would definitely consider sending her to private school. Could you visit the local private school (appreciate it's difficult with holidays) or maybe somehow find parents with kids at the school you're thinking of sending her to?

Maybe see if over summer she gets on better with the kids from the private school - she might have more in common with them and find it easier to get involved.

Not sure how easy it would be to arrange this but think it has to be worth a try.

If you're going to move her I would think it would be sensible to move her before she starts secondary school so that she stands a chance of going to secondary school with some friends.

If you feel your finances are what is setting your DD apart from her classmates, then you'd be less likely to find that issue in a private school.

This. (Certainly not all kids will be from families who have a swimming pool and a horse, assuming you can afford to keep them on top of the school fees, but there might be a few in the year.)

And also in another school, not necessarily a private school, she might meet other kids who are more like her. They'll be around somewhere. She sounds like someone who'd be happy with a small number of close friends on the right wavelength and wouldn't necessarily want massive groups of mates anyway.

She's been at the school since she was 4. She never made friends even in the beginning as she wasn't interested in what the other kids were talking about. She's never liked pop music, never watches TV (that's not my doing, she's just never been into it) and never plays the popular computer games. They were all talking about fort nite a while back and DD kept going on about the Sims and they all laughed at her saying she was boring and babyish.
She did once get invited to a birthday party at a soft play thing and she spent all her time on her own trying to swim in the ball pits and climb up the netting. She kept getting told off and one of the boys told him mum that she was always weird and gets told off at school for climbing up the tree. I had education psyc involved a couple of years ago as I suspected autism but they said there is nothing wrong with her, she's just a bit of a loner

How long has she being at that school and how was she in the one before

Certainly a change in school might help if the school has caused the change

Also if your DD is a bit of a loner she may fair better in a private school with smaller classes - it might help build her confidence.

Personally, I’d move her to private - what have you got to lose?

She may enjoy a smaller class but it's a risk. Can you ask for a trial day at the start of next term to see what she thinks?

Ponies can be very useful for bonding with other pony mad kids.

Is her pony kept at home or on a livery yard with other kids?
Is she in pony club? Doing pony club camp etc?

If she isn't that socially adept, private school is not a magic solution either. Kids can be horrible and judgemental there too.

If you can afford it without worrying I’d go with private for her. They normally do a taster day, and set taster day children up with a couple of ‘buddies’ for the day to help settle in, so maybe book her in for one of those and see if she likes it.

The pony is on a livery yard. She goes every night after school to take care of it. There are a couple of other girls there but she doesn't even seem to get on with them. Last weekend they asked if she wanted to go out on a hack with them but she said no as she felt sick with the heat. As soon as they left she saddled up and set out on her own so there was clearly nothing wrong with her