To think about putting DD in private school in year 5?

[DragonessOfFlagstaff]

Brief history, we are very fortunate in terms of finances. We maximised this by moving to Yorkshire from Cornwall where cost of living is cheaper and we could get a lot more for our money in terms of housing. More space for DD basically.
I never put DD into private school simply because DH and I were never privately educated and I wanted her to make friends with people from all walks of life, like we did as kids.

Unfortunately she's never made friends. She's a loner who prefers being with her animals and although I've tried putting her in clubs (brownies etc) she never enjoyed them.

With secondary school fast approaching I tried one last ditch attempt and getting her to make friends and It's all gone so wrong.

First I told her to invite a friend to Alton towers. She did, and got a response that they couldn't afford it. I offered to pay and the girl told DD that her mum said no as she isn't a charity case.

2nd attempt, I told DD to invite her friend to the stables. It wouldn't cost anything, DD and friend could do an hour or so of volunteering and then get to ride for an hour or so. The friend came, loved it and went home asking for a horse. The mum contacted me and asked if I could arrange for her DD to work at the stables every weekend in exchange for riding lessons. Unfortunately the owners said no. I passed this on with apologies so the mum asked if her DD could just ride my DDs horse instead. I explained this wasn't really possible as the horse is a bit forward for a beginner (true and I didn't want her getting hurt). I never got a reply and a message got passed on through the DD to my DD that she wasn't to hang out with her anymore as I was a snob. So that one ended on a sour note.
Final attempt, I arranged a pool party at our house. Went all out with snacks, drinks, candy floss, BBQ etc - invited 3 girls who I have occasionally seen DD with.

They all came. DD sat on her own or with the dogs throughout the day whilst the other girls all played. I kept telling her to join in and she got upset and said she didn't want to. After the party it turned out they had told her they were only here because none of them had pools and this didn't mean they were her friends.

I'm fuming. I'm seriously considering just putting her in private school now but would it even make a difference? Will she still be a loner and disliked??! I'm so cross I actually feel like pulling her out of school altogether but that won't exactly do much for social skills will it.

@racecardriver - don’t you sound lovely, so guess youre a mother who was ‘privately educated’ and would be one of those who wouldn’t mix with the OP if she wasn’t private educated?

OP send her if you can afford if - my daughter is in private and while I know she is young - I can see what a year difference it has made.

I would put her in private school to be honest. Smaller classes and people on your financial wavelength. Maybe the play dates you have would be more accepted/normalised in private school.

Is there a pony club nearby she could go to?

My experience as a loner kid was state school was a misery. When I got an assisted place at public school (very poor kid) it was a god send. I found public school, smaller classes, friendly staff, not made to feel bad I was poor, not teased for my stammer and although I am still a loner at heart I have much more confidence and in fact lost my stammer.
My 3 kids all go to private, I tried state for the two eldest but ended up moving them.
All schools are different obviously but this has been my experience.

Karate is a good idea as she won't be left out even if she doesn't make friends, as it's a class.

Does she want close friends, or do you want them for her?

I don't think your financial situation is causing your dds friendship issues. My DD is at a state school, we live in a semi and have neither pets nor pool. DD has a friend with horses who knocks about in an enormous detached house, just the DD and her mum, double the size of the perfectly good house we live in as a family of 5. DD enjoys hanging about with her friend and the horses, though DD doesn't ride (the girl has a riding pony which is a handful, a donkey as a companion animal and a teeny tiny pony too small for anyone to ride - DD likes doing what seems like dog agility with that one, grooming it etc.) It has never occurred to anyone involved that the family with the ponies should arrange for DD to ride for free - the girl your daughter invited over had a chancer for a mother.

Perhaps changing schools will help your DD if everyone has now categorised her as wierd. A fresh start would perhaps be good. However I don't think a private school will be any better than a different state school.

I went to a private school and despite the small classes there were still children who were left out, who tried to hard to buy friends or who seemed to prefer to be alone. Private school doesn't change that.

I'd seriously think about whether your DD is happy as she is - if she is, accept her as she is. If she's unhappy look again at whether a different professional should assess her for possible ASD as it presents differently in girls and can be missed. Do that privately as you can. If she doesn't have a diagnosable problem you could still pay for play therapy to help her built social skills. She might be happy as she is though.

Racecardriver not sure what part of the country you're in but midlands and northern private schools especially the smaller ones don't really seem to have the same level of snobbery as the well-known schools in London and the Home Counties which are talked about a lot on Mumsnet. (I have met people who've been to a few of those.) A bit more ostentatiousness is seen as okay among well-off people from many parts of the north too, than it is down south.

@pennycarbonara it's not about where people are fr but whether they tow the line. OP has asked one child to a theme park. Theme park. Another she asked riding without knowing whether the parents were in a position to afford/be arsed getting their own pony when their daughter inevitably asked for one, not to mention taking a child that doesn't know you well riding may not be the wisest idea but that is not outright inconsiderate. And the pool party thing was just try hard. The overall tone of the OP has been that she has been trying her dammedest to buy friends for her daughter and can't understand why the other parents aren't grateful. The first rule of being a private school parent is understanding the many other families will be barely scraping by and not throwing your money around as a result. OPs behaviour has been the height of tactlessness.

@shinyredbus the OP is the kind of mother I may take pity on and try to teach some manners. OPs child I would definitely be inviting for playdates etc in the hopes that the poor girl might have some friends but I would struggle sending my children of to theme parks and what not.

The first rule of being a private school parent is understanding the many other families will be barely scraping by and not throwing your money around as a result.

I never noticed people holding back on that at my school! Basically imagine about a third of the year being families like that, so that it was actually a normal part of how some people were, rather than a lot of hushed county / shabby-genteel middle class whispering about those one or two people who weren't like us.

Once mine went to a taster day they decided they wanted to change school as did friends so you have nothing to lose.

You sound like a monumental arse, Racecar.
Teach the op some manners because she invited a child to a theme park!!!...
I bet you’re studiously avoided at the school gate, you pretentious halfwit.

OP how does your daughter feel about the situation? Does she want to develop friendships or is she genuinely not bothered? I have experience of the latter that I am happy to share if relevant.

My husband went to a state comp his dad is a silk

He had no issue making friends

There are some very strange assumptions on this thread. I don't think anyone chooses a school based on the possible income of the other families there. More a case of choosing the right school for the right child (and if you are lucky enough to be able to afford independent schools, or find a way to obtain help with the fees, you obviously have more choice than if you can't).

See which private schools she can get into or have places and just take it from there. try the Grammar school at leeds if you can get there and she can get a place (you said Yorkshire btu I am not sure which bit). Be careful to pick a good private school. There are bad ones out there (just as there are in the state sector too).

We never had issues as you describe at our private schools. My children are all sensitive to the fact plenty of children at private schools have a lot less money than others and people just like their friends because they like them not because they are the daughter of a Lord or have £10m in the bank.

Does your daughter want friends?

I'm just thinking I was the same at her age. I didn't meet my "tribe" until university. I am still socially awkward. I loathe social gatherings. I only have one friend. I do lot if solitary hobbies and I am happy on my own. I am married but he's socially awkward too, so we can stick together in uncomfortable situations.

If you must persist, an informal invitation to tea does. And one possible friend only. Two or more is too intimidating.

I don't think a change of school will help at all.

@racecardriver some manners!!?? You need some. Desperately. You take pity on her? I’ve never met anyone like you - me and my husband are privately educated and as will our children be - we’re nice to everyone, however much/little money they have. Are you only in the private schools to network? The OP cannot help she has a horse/pool - so she asked her daughter to invite friends back - so what? Should she have hidden the horse under a blanket? The theme park was a great idea.

OP - like I said - most people in private schools are nice (except where racecardrivwr must live) if you can afford it - do it.

You've tried everything I would think of and I would also be gutted with the response youve had.

Im going through something smaller scale with my DD and yes, I think you should consider a fresh start somewhere else

@shinyredbus it's not about having move or not, it is about basic awareness that other people can't reciprocate if they don't have as much as you and this may make them uncomfortable. The polite thing to do is stick to things like trips to the park or playdates at home (without weird pool parties of four children) until you get to know the family well enough for them not to feel obligated to reciprocate/pay for their share of the activity.

I will own to being harsh-I found OPs assumption that private school parents don't find flashing cash distasteful a bit abnoxious, it almost seemed as of she was blaming the other parents for her failure to organise socialisibg opportunities when the fault was completely her own. The implication was that a better class of parent would not be envious of her wealth when the issue was actually her poor manners.

I agree with racecar

Ah, you see, I would have said definitely not GSAL @Xenia. Unless the OP's child really is the right fit, and I would say (based solely on the OP's description of her) she is perhaps not. She might also feel a bit like the 'poor relation' there.

Racecar has a point even if the earlier comments were unnecessarily rude. You need to read the room with other parents and for a lot of people an offer of a day out at Alton Towers from someone you don't know is bound to look like showing off.

I'd probably steer my child away from those kind of offers too rather than try and manage their expectations about what's normal and affordable time and time again as the friendship goes along. "Money doesn't matter" - often said by the wealthy half of a partnership, very rarely said by the hard up half.

I would definitely move her. I don't think you have anything to lose and you may have a lot to gain.

The kids at her current school sound pretty unfriendly and even mean. Some schools or year groups can just have nicer kids than others - it's a bit random and it's worth trying a change.

I would look out for a school with excellent pastoral care where the relationships between the pupils are actively monitored and 'managed' where necessary - ask the schools about what they do to help newbies integrate, how they deal with bullying, what happens if one of the kids seems to be being 'left out' socially. A school with a lower number of pupils per teacher is normally better able to look out for this kind of thing.

Ime (and anecdotally) private school junior kids can often be a bit 'younger' than their state school equivalents - so more likely to be into the Sims, rather than Fortnite. But obviously this depends on the school and on the pupils.

Your daughter is lucky to have a parent who cares about her well-being and is prepared to take active steps to improve it.

Racecardriver - you may need to teach me some manners and my kids go to private school - stop behaving like a twat!

OP I think you should look at private schools and you will fit in fine and hopefully so will your DD.

Yes to a private school. Not because of finding friends with £ but because of the CHOICE and options you are giving your dd. you might find a lovely one that fits perfectly.

My dn had 3 sisters and didn’t fit in at state school. She went to a Waldorf school as that is what suited her and she flourished. Now a grown woman with a professional career.

And I understand why you added in a pool party if there was always a no to a tea and play date. And the stables idea was fab as it what you dd enjoys.

Good luck

At this age I would also have an eye on which senior/secondary school she's likely to go to. If you move her to a school with an 'attached' senior school, you will probably have the option to transfer her to the seniors along with lots of kids she already knows, which may help her socially. (We did this when moving my dd for Y5; I would have been more reluctant if the move had meant that she would have to go through another transition 2 years later.)

Even if there's no senior school attached, there may be one that many of the kids go to. Check out the destinations of the Y6 leavers and their entry requirements.