To think about putting DD in private school in year 5?

[DragonessOfFlagstaff]

Brief history, we are very fortunate in terms of finances. We maximised this by moving to Yorkshire from Cornwall where cost of living is cheaper and we could get a lot more for our money in terms of housing. More space for DD basically.
I never put DD into private school simply because DH and I were never privately educated and I wanted her to make friends with people from all walks of life, like we did as kids.

Unfortunately she's never made friends. She's a loner who prefers being with her animals and although I've tried putting her in clubs (brownies etc) she never enjoyed them.

With secondary school fast approaching I tried one last ditch attempt and getting her to make friends and It's all gone so wrong.

First I told her to invite a friend to Alton towers. She did, and got a response that they couldn't afford it. I offered to pay and the girl told DD that her mum said no as she isn't a charity case.

2nd attempt, I told DD to invite her friend to the stables. It wouldn't cost anything, DD and friend could do an hour or so of volunteering and then get to ride for an hour or so. The friend came, loved it and went home asking for a horse. The mum contacted me and asked if I could arrange for her DD to work at the stables every weekend in exchange for riding lessons. Unfortunately the owners said no. I passed this on with apologies so the mum asked if her DD could just ride my DDs horse instead. I explained this wasn't really possible as the horse is a bit forward for a beginner (true and I didn't want her getting hurt). I never got a reply and a message got passed on through the DD to my DD that she wasn't to hang out with her anymore as I was a snob. So that one ended on a sour note.
Final attempt, I arranged a pool party at our house. Went all out with snacks, drinks, candy floss, BBQ etc - invited 3 girls who I have occasionally seen DD with.

They all came. DD sat on her own or with the dogs throughout the day whilst the other girls all played. I kept telling her to join in and she got upset and said she didn't want to. After the party it turned out they had told her they were only here because none of them had pools and this didn't mean they were her friends.

I'm fuming. I'm seriously considering just putting her in private school now but would it even make a difference? Will she still be a loner and disliked??! I'm so cross I actually feel like pulling her out of school altogether but that won't exactly do much for social skills will it.

Hi ,

I just wondered if there were issues at her before being sociable?
The interest in animals too is standing out for me. I just wondered if she had any other quirks. It’s quite common for children on the spectrum to prefer animals than humans.

I would speak to the school about friendship groups and social skills interventions maybe.
I would worry her friends would become fair weather friends if the outings are so grand. I also, did this with my own daughter and this is the problem I encountered. Once she got to secondary they really helped and she is growing into a beautiful young woman. Still have issues with starting conversations but she has a good group of friends now.

Regards x

I told. I told. I arranged.

Oh OP ... Do you really think all this throwing your own money and determination at things is really helping your daughter? You mention you moved to have more space for her ... It does sound a little as if you want a daughter to match the setting you’ve provided. (Sorry if that’s harsh ...)

Could you not try backing off a little and just letting her be?

I’d put her in private school - it seems like she’d have more in common with people there and her friends wouldn’t think you’re a snob because they have similar tastes & hobbies. I went to private school and it was great, she’ll get a better education too! I then went to a grammar school and whilst the education was great I didn’t make as many friends. I would have people over and because we had a big house and a pool from then on it was always ‘look at that critter should pay for the cinema’ etc. Just my experience but I do think it makes things harder.

I don’t believe in private education at all, but honestly if your DD was mine I think I would actually consider it tbh.

I think she would fair better at either a new state school or small day private. It really sounds like her current school is not a good fit at all!

Is she in pony club? If not then I really think that would help with making friends.

It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on her.

She's been invited out and doesn't want to go - so let her be. Not everyone is social and wants to hang out after school or in the holidays. Personally I can't think of anything worse!

I don't throw money about, DD has to work to keep the pony. When they did the riding the pair of them worked at the yard first, there was no money involved. Alton towers is extravagant either, I went a couple of times as a kid and were quite poor.

*isnt extravagant

You sound like a lovely mum and I'd be very appreciative and grateful for the effort you're making if it was my child visiting. I always think it's my job to pay and provide for any child visiting my house, and I'd offer to contribute if mine were going off somewhere with their friends. Doesn't sound like youve done anything wrong. You're trying and mean no harm.
My cousin is like your dd. Friends just don't stick, and she is genuinely happier without the pressure. Maybe hold off a bit, let your dd lead. Not saying a school move isn't a good idea but don't do anything rash because you're annoyed with it all. Ask for a visit and taster with the private school you're thinking of and see if your dd would like it.
Hope you can stop worrying. I'm a pretty anti social person myself in that conversation and interaction really tires me out and sometimes I really can't do it. It's not weird or odd and not harmful so long as she is ok with it and not crying about not having friends. All the best.

Would you consider changing her primary school to another state primary and consider private for secondary if she doesn’t make friends

My son was very much so like your daughter and very unhappy as he was aware of being left out (though your daughter seems to enjoy her own company?) I changed his school for the start of year 4 where he was welcomed in with open arms and has really found his tribe.

If you’re considering changing schools anyway it may be worth it?

I’d move her - if nothing else the kids at her school just don’t seem very nice

If she is turning down invites to ride with the girls at her yard, then maybe she doesn't really want friends at the moment.

Social skills and ability to work with people are important life skills though so she can't just withdraw entirely - but maybe stop making it be about being "friends". It sounds like quite a lot of pressure on her. She needs to be polite to people, understand that sometimes you make some small talk as part of that politeness but she doesn't need to be "friends" if she doesn't want to.

I think pony club would be a good idea but the best thing might just be modelling behaviour for her like smiling and engaging with people on the yard, asking how their pony is etc.

Is your dd lonely and unhappy, or is she content in her own company? If she's content then I'd wait til secondary- much wider pool of potential friends. If she's lonely I'd move her (not necessarily to private but to a school that feeds into the secondary she'll be going to).

Does your daughter want friends or is it you thinking that? She's declined a social invitation, the hack, was it because she would rather be alone or other reasons?

Another vote for joining the Pony Club. Private school may help her but don't kid yourself that it's all sunshine and roses and everyone's all best friends together because that's just not true. If her problem is a lack of social skills it may very well just keep being a problem. Get yourselves involved with the Pony Club and see if she fares better with other pony kids in a structured environment. It's all very well kicking about a livery yard but they're not usually doing much or learning much (and almost no yards let kids work for rides any more, the insurance implications are immense). A more structured environment might help your daughter and getting to know other pony club parents might help you out too. There's no point in dangling ponies in front of kids who come from homes where that life is a dream away. Get on to the pony club website, get the details of your local branch and have a chat with them it can't do any harm and it might turn out well.

She sounds lovely, bless her. Any child who is kind to animals is on the right path to growing up into a decent human being. With my teacher hat on, I would advocate private school because it will be smaller and more attention will be paid to her by staff, as it is a business at the end of the day. I am sure she will find like minded friends eventually.

Is your daughter happy? Private school could be a good option for her if she’s unhappy, but if she’s content the ways things are then I’d leave her where she is.

Why do you think a private school will change her personality?
They are what they are.
When she gets to secondary there is more likelihood of her meeting like minded friends, there will be lots of different personalities.
It's hard to make friends when the other kids have more than likely known one another for years, perhaps since nursery, this changes in secondary and they all start off as the new kids.

It does sound like you are trying too hard, and I wouldn't have accepted another parent paying for Alton Towers, except friends who wouldn't expect the same in return, but cover for sick days etc.

If you offer things that others don't have then they will accept and not necessarily be there with the best intentions.
A normal play date in the home without trimmings is the best way to go.
maybe her school friends think she is posh and spoiled if she has things they can't imagine having.

She may fit in better at a private school, but as in Yorkshire please be careful the school you choose. One in particular manipulates scores, has an appalling rep, but on paper and website looks amazing.
Whatever you choose though, you have to let her be herself and not want her to be someone she isn't.

Maybe a fresh start somewhere different would be a good thing. At her present school it seems she has been labelled as the loner who nobody wants to play with.

I don't necessarily think a private school will be any "better" in its pastoral care or the education she receives, but if it means she is at a different secondary to all the children who already know her it could give her a chance to start afresh.

Have you asked your daughter if she'd like to move school? Have you talked to her about whether she wants friends round? It does read like you're trying to make her something she's not - and she may not thank you for your efforts .

Pony Club. And if she's a loner by nature pushing her isn't going to help. Is she happy?

Alton towers is extravagant either, I went a couple of times as a kid and were quite poor.

It used to be cheaper in comparison to the cost today. i'm poor and my dd won't be going this year or any other.

So yes, extravagant if you don't have money for this and of course ponies and swimming pools.
Nothing wrong with being well off and giving your children huge luxuries, but do admit it and don't try to plead you aren't rich.

I think the move to private school might give her a 'fresh start', even if she doesn't become Miss Popularity there. She's already been 'pegged' at the current school as 'someone not to be friends with'. That's not a slam on her by any means, it just that kids tend to categorize schoolmates and it's very hard to break out of that categorization. But does she want to change schools? To me, that's the important thing.

I agree with others to relax a bit. She may be the type that forms firm friendships later on in life. I know very few people who are still 'besties' with people they went to school with. Most form their 'lasting friendships' with people from Uni or work. Of my high school friends, I'm still close friends with only one of them. The rest fell by the wayside as I matured and my interests changed.

If she’s happy as she is you don’t have an immediate problem to solve. Interesting that everyone is saying “yes, move her to private, it’ll be so much better for her”, though?
Why?
Is it purely the assumption that finding other kids on a similar financial footing is the key?
I doubt that’s the answer.

My DD has just finished Year 5 with no friends all year. She has been bullied badly this year, and although has made efforts to be friends with different people in her class, she doesn't have anything in common with them. (Same school since reception).

She too has a pony, and is in Pony Club, but again, no friends - she just doesn't like the other kids there (they range, mostly from a Private School where they are all really clique and some who are a bit bratty). TBH I don't really like the mothers either!
She really struggles with anxiety (which I hadn't really picked up on until recently :( ) about anything new, so has said she'd rather stay at her school for another year as she knows all the adults and where everything is, rather than being the new girl, feeling lost and no better off if she couldn't find friends in a new school, or if they didn't like her (most privates around us have only 12-15 per class, she is currently in a class of over 30)
She found a friend last year through ponies, and did a few sleepovers each way, then last half term I arranged to take them to a large county show, bought the tickets etc (I'm not particularly well off, ponies take up all my money!!) then the friend's mum text 2 days before to say she was doing something else instead - haven't seen or heard from then since :(
So feel your pain, I have no idea what to do.

DD has Pony camp next week, new loan pony we got in May has gone lame, vet re-examining week after camp, so cancelled - she seemed relieved not to go!! Then just been offered another pony to take but I seem more excited than she is - but I think that's the anxiety kicking in as she doesn't really know new pony (only that he's owned in our family so has heard all about him). I can almost guarantee she wont speak to the other kids there.
I try to talk openly with her, to see what it is she wants (we don't usually get further than "I don't know") but it helps to keep her involved and knowing she is part of the decision making process.
Good luck!

You do sound lovely and I relate to some of what you have said. If you can afford to go private then I would. The kids at her school seem pretty shallow minded. There are people from all walks of life in private school too. Although I think pull back on the forced friendships. She needs to learn how to develop healthy relationships on her own.