To think about putting DD in private school in year 5?

[DragonessOfFlagstaff]

Brief history, we are very fortunate in terms of finances. We maximised this by moving to Yorkshire from Cornwall where cost of living is cheaper and we could get a lot more for our money in terms of housing. More space for DD basically.
I never put DD into private school simply because DH and I were never privately educated and I wanted her to make friends with people from all walks of life, like we did as kids.

Unfortunately she's never made friends. She's a loner who prefers being with her animals and although I've tried putting her in clubs (brownies etc) she never enjoyed them.

With secondary school fast approaching I tried one last ditch attempt and getting her to make friends and It's all gone so wrong.

First I told her to invite a friend to Alton towers. She did, and got a response that they couldn't afford it. I offered to pay and the girl told DD that her mum said no as she isn't a charity case.

2nd attempt, I told DD to invite her friend to the stables. It wouldn't cost anything, DD and friend could do an hour or so of volunteering and then get to ride for an hour or so. The friend came, loved it and went home asking for a horse. The mum contacted me and asked if I could arrange for her DD to work at the stables every weekend in exchange for riding lessons. Unfortunately the owners said no. I passed this on with apologies so the mum asked if her DD could just ride my DDs horse instead. I explained this wasn't really possible as the horse is a bit forward for a beginner (true and I didn't want her getting hurt). I never got a reply and a message got passed on through the DD to my DD that she wasn't to hang out with her anymore as I was a snob. So that one ended on a sour note.
Final attempt, I arranged a pool party at our house. Went all out with snacks, drinks, candy floss, BBQ etc - invited 3 girls who I have occasionally seen DD with.

They all came. DD sat on her own or with the dogs throughout the day whilst the other girls all played. I kept telling her to join in and she got upset and said she didn't want to. After the party it turned out they had told her they were only here because none of them had pools and this didn't mean they were her friends.

I'm fuming. I'm seriously considering just putting her in private school now but would it even make a difference? Will she still be a loner and disliked??! I'm so cross I actually feel like pulling her out of school altogether but that won't exactly do much for social skills will it.

Do you know any of the parents OP? Have you made friends with them? At this age it's usually the mums who want to get together .... just a thought

I think put her to private school. Being able to work with and socialise with others is important, it I would imagine if you flagged this up to private school they would have more time/resources to improve these skills in your daughter than a state school.

Is your DD actually unhappy with the situation as regards friends?

My DD was desperately unhappy after we moved while she was in year 4. It was a necessary move, no choice. I wish I had changed her school,when I realised how unhappy she was and I hung on and hung on and only did it year 8 ( lower, middle, upper school,system). She thrived. Your daughter may never have lots of friends, some kids don't. I would try animal related stuff eg pony club, talk to school ( they may still be there) and look at other schools private or state. I discovered recently that with my daughters academic record she would have got a scholarship to a private school. I wish I'd known that as I think she would have been happier going away term time than getting different bus to different school ( kids in our village continued to bully her once she moved school for 'betraying them '). You may be 'fussing' too much but you sound just like me, a concerned mum who wants to do the best for her

OP, I’d go with the suggestions re trying out the private school. You will probably find that the pastoral care will be better as well, if they know he particular needs.
For what it’s worth, I wasn’t the most popular as a child because my interests weren’t shared by the majority and I had a good imagination to feed into my “play”. But she will at some point find others of like mind. Meantime, is she herself feeling miserable about the situation? If she would like more friends then seek support in teaching her social skills that will help her fit in. She may need to feign some interest in another child’s interests. Often it is only after learning about a subject that one discovers how fascinating it can be.
Good luck. It would be interesting in the future if you were to come back and tell us your experiences

Yes I think I would try it. Obviously you are better off than many of dd's school friends and that is making it more difficult for her to make friends. Put her in a level playing field of people and at least that hurdle is gone - you can then help her to make friends as she obviously struggles with this. I would put mine in private school. In a heartbeat if I could afford it

At no point have you mentioned what she thinks about it. Does she feel lonely, unhappy, friendless? If not then stop trying to manipulate her friendships.

What will happen for secondary if she stays where she is?

Having seen my (very bright, very sporty) niece go through the latter years of primary school being bullied by girls for not being obsessed by Kim Kardishan or make up etc...a change in school can really help.

She moved from a small, local school where most families knew each other and had lived there for generations. The girls were a bit identikit and more concerned with clothes/make up than grades.

The new school is a whole different ball game. A much wider catchment area, more diverse, lots of different cliques rather than one big one. Niece is v happy and has made like minded friends.

Whether its private or state, a school that takes a more diverse (in every way) intake is more likely to have kids with diverse interests.

Incidentally I don't think you did anything wrong in trying to help her and frankly I'd steer well clear of the 'pool party girls' - I'd be utterly ashamed of dd if she behaved like that!

What sort of utopian environment do you people imagine private schools to be??

Also I'm a bit by a parent expecting the OP to arrange for her daughter to get free riding lessons or share her horse after one play date. Call the stables yourself, OP doesn't run them!

I don't think you're being at all U for wondering about moving your DD to an independent school. Mine have all been/are in the independent sector; DH and I were likewise - so independent is all we know.

That being the case, I also know that there are children in the independent sector who are lovely, and ones who are truly foul. There are children with ridiculous amounts of money but who are not spoilt, and children with ridiculous amounts of money who are grossly spoilt. There are children with next to nothing (on scholarships/bursaries). There are children who appear to be friend-magnets; there are loners; there are ones who want to make friends but can't; there are bullies; there are children who are bullied. I'm guessing that means that independent schools have much in common with state schools.

If your DD isn't actually unhappy at her current school, I certainly wouldn't regard an independent school as a panacea (and, as I say, I speak as someone who is more than keen on independent schools). It may be that she will make more friends once she starts secondary school. She may just need to meet the right people. If she ends up with one or two good friends, that's all anyone really needs. And she may just be a person who is happy to be at home, with her animals etc (there is much to be said for this, I think). Perhaps she just needs a little bit of space to "be", rather than have the potential stress of a new school.

Is your daughter happy? Content with being alone or does the lack of friends bother her? If she's happy I'd leave well alone and let her find her own way. We all want our kids to have friends and it is a worry when they don't but forcing it doesn't always work. You seem to be doing everything for her with very little effort from her which suggests she is just not bothered about it. Private school may or may not help it's hard to know. My dd is on the spectrum and struggles to maintain friendships but it does bother her and makes her very unhappy so she asks for my help with it because she is sociable and loves contact with her peers. My dd is in a very small primary atm and I think being in a larger secondary may be better for her for the wider mix of people.

If the private schools around you suit your daughter I'd say go for it but involve her in this decision making

The three examples you mentioned are all things where your daughter is going to stand out as being well off, ponies pools and theme parks.why can't she join in or suggest activities with other girls which aren't all at her house or expensive? Teenagers in this weather seem to be in the local park a lot playing rounders and sunbathing.then she wouldn't have to stand out as being the most pampered.i teach in a private school by the way, and some of the kids do have ponies, but swimming pools are still far from the norm.does your daughter ever boast or think she is above the others? Make sure that there isn't a problem like that that you aren't aware of.

If you yourself suspected autism then the ed psych wasn't necessarily correct. Us girls are notorious at masking. I was extremely similar as a child (preferred animals to people) and apart from DH and the kids I'm still like that (and autistic - diagnosed aged 38).

The key thing for me would be is she showing any desire for friends or is she suiting herself? If she's choosing to do stuff on her own and she's happy to do this I wouldn't unduly put pressure on her. All sounds like you're planning stuff around other girls - both me and DD (10, diagnosed with autism at 2.5) much prefer hanging out with boys as we find them far more straightforward, the girls in DD's class call her weirdo and won't play with her anyway.

Even if she doesn't have autism be guided by her. If she wants friendships great, but it might be she finds it easier with older or younger yeargroups or boys.

Private school isn't necessary he answer, expanding the net to different ages and boys might help. Also a few good friends is far better than lots of acquaintances.

I've just been speaking with her and she wants to give karate a go (and urban exploring but I've said a firm no to that one!). There is a class tomorrow night I can take her to.

(and urban exploring but I've said a firm no to that one!).

Is there a group for teens she could join in a couple of years time? I hope that's not a permanent no. Riding can be pretty dangerous, and I can't see why urban exploration with a sensible leader has to be more so.

Most parents at private schools won't have pools etc (although they won't be insecure about it or grabby like the parents you have experienced). That said there will be a different kind of snobbery, it quite obvious from what you have posted that you weren't privately educated yourself, obviously not all parents at private schools are privately educated but most of them know how to behave. They are unlikely to ban their children from being friends with yours but they will likely not want to spend time with you if they can help it. In your place I would move her to a school with a good oadtoral care policy but stop interfering in her social life altogether. You aren't very good at it.

It depends where in Yorkshire you are and which private school you are thinking of. You are best getting opinions from people who know the school rather than online (I say that because there's a rather nice private/boarding school nearby, but I wouldn't send my children there as it only looks good on paper). Also, are you going to send her to private school for the rest of her education or jist primary school?

Hang on, what’s wrong with urban exploring? Here you are wanting her to socialise and go to clubs etc, she chooses one and you say no? Perhaps you need to look at backing off a bit?

Have you asked your DD what she wants, OP?

if she is ambivalent, then yes, I'd probably move her with smaller classes and emphasis on the pastoral side of things.

Urban exploring as in going into derelict, potentially unstable buildings? Dunno why anyone would object to that

Yes move her. For sure. Friend in my village had exactly the same problems with her son, the state school mums basically black listed her and her kids for being ‘rich and posh’. Now he is in private, he is thriving. She did it after year 1 though. Just choose the right type of school, nothing too fancy. There are lots of levels of private school too!

What’s all that guff about private school kids having parents who “know how to behave” and are unlikely to want to be friends with op because she herself wasn’t privately educated, Racecardriver?
Are you for real?!!

@racecardriver What a very bizarre post...

OP invited one child to a theme park, another to ride horses and then threw are really OTT pool party. It would be one thing if these children were her daughters friends but they arent. It's really inappropriate and weird.

My children went to private school, there were people from all walks of life. The monied ones were all lovely people, as the ones with not so much. Have you spoken to her? Ask her what she would like. My children came out confident and well rounded. They started at 2 1/2 until 18. They enjoyed every second.