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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be worried about what my 6yo DD said last night??

58 replies

worriedmamma12 · 22/07/2018 07:12

Last night after having a girls night with my 6 (almost 7) year old DD and giving her some much needed atttention she said something that has really concerned me.

I was putting her to bed and she asked me if I loved her and her brother the same. I said of course I do, why? She said because I spend more time with him when she is at school. I said again I love them both the same and always will no matter what they do.

She then asked me if I would still love her if she killed her brother.....I didn't know what to say so I said I would be very sad and she would be in lots of trouble. I asked her why she had said this and she said she didn't know. I asked if she had thought about hurting him and she said no. She then got vey very upset and I couldn't calm her down. She ended up just sitting with me until I went to bed. She cried herself to sleep. She said it's because I think she will hurt her brother.

I tried to reassure her I didn't think she would hurt him and I knew she loved him but I am very very concerned about this.

For background she has been very emotional lately and her behaviour has been difficult to say the least. Also I suffer with bipolar and recently had a manic episode. I am feeling very low and depressed myself so don't know how much of this is her picking up on how I feel.

Her dad also left 2 years ago and I don't think she has come to terms with his either as she keeps asking if i love him and when he is coming home.

AIBU to think she needs some counselling and to be worried about what she said? I couldn't sleep last night for worrying!

Thanks.

OP posts:
TheHulksPurplePanties · 22/07/2018 08:57

I think I'm so worried as I don't want her to end up like me.

I think that's a pretty common worry for Mum's with MH issues. I know I worry and I'm probably over vigilant as well. End of the day I try and tell myself, if they do, they'll be better off then I was because I'll make sure they get the help and support they need. I won't ignore it or try and get them to "change" or deal with it. Like they did when I was young.

Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/07/2018 08:58

I think I’d take her to one side and tell her you will always love her no matter what and you’re sorry she was sad last night. You love her so very very much and you are so lucky to be her mummy. I regularly tell my dd she is precious and special. I think these are all things your dd needs to hear. She’s really been through the mill these past couple of years, hasn’t she? I also echo other posters, some kind of therapy would be a good idea for her self esteem if nothing else although I suspect there is a lot going inside.

Allfednonedead · 22/07/2018 08:58

Hi, I basically agree with what everyone else said about it being a test of your love for her. I just came to suggest a book for your DD, No Matter What, by Debi Gliori. It’s a picture book, so too young for her ostensibly, but it’s brilliant for reassuring children they are loved. It does mention death, but not in a scary way.
Your library may well have it.

corythatwas · 22/07/2018 09:00

At that age emotions are still very intense but they have a limited understanding of the power of words. It is an age where they start discovering the harsh things about life but still don't feel much in control.

When she talked about killing her little brother, she probably meant having feelings of jealousy and upset and feeling guilty about those feelings. She needs you to stay very calm and reassure her. Make it clear that you understand that sometimes she feels upset, and sometimes she may even feel angry with little brother and want him to go away, and this is ok because you know she won't hurt him, you're going to help her with those feelings. And then suggest some simple tricks.

When my ds was at this age he went through a short period of feeling very angry and wanting to hurt himself because he had found out something very upsetting about somebody we knew. I taught him to hit a pillow when he felt like that and it helped. I also gave him a password he could mention when the bad thoughts were coming up so I could take him to one side and help him (we were staying with family). It passed.

You could also look up CBT techniques and see if there might be something suitable for a 6yo.

Make it clear to her that she can tell you anything and you will help her: you will not get so upset that she can't tell you things. (you may have to lie here, obviously, given your own difficult situation, but she does need to see you as someone who is strong enough to carry her)

Don't waste time speculating on what this might or might not mean for her future development: at the moment, it might be a normal stage of development, and any thoughts that make you more stressed are not going to help her. For the record, my 6yo who wanted to hurt someone or jump out of the window did not grow up with any MH issues.

MissusGeneHunt · 22/07/2018 09:01

What @WellBeehivedWoman said... Excellent advice, as with many pp's. I too have bipolar and the worry is always there that it's hereditary, but being proactive and equipping DCs with tools to cope, and yourself, is the best strategy. That and lots of love, which you are obviously doing!! My DS has accessed the new Children and Young People's Wellbeing Hub via NHS and Public Health, do you have one in your county OP? Referrals are via gp or some areas do self / parent referral.
I wish you all the best, things WILL be better. Flowers

MaterialReality · 22/07/2018 09:06

I remember being 5 and having the sudden realisation that I could kill my baby brother. I didn't like my brother much at the time but had no desire at all to actually harm him. The thought wasn't 'I want to' but 'this is physically possible'. It was an unwanted thought in the same way that people occasionally think to themselves that they could crash their car right now, jump from a high building, etc. I'd never had that sort of thought before and it really disturbed me. Enough that I had to go and tell my mother. Her response was a horrified 'don't you dare hurt my baby!' which of course made me sob and think I was a really horrible person.

Your DD might have had a similar thought. Please don't be too concerned about it as a one-off comment.

Mary1935 · 22/07/2018 09:12

Hi Worried - sorry your having a rough time. You seem like you don’t have enough help yourself. Do you have any support from the community mental health team. You said you had been in hospital so who was looking after the children?
Are you taking any meds. You may not be in the UK so services maybe different.
You clearly love your children and want to do your best for them.
Do you have friends or family support. Is there anyone you can talk to who is helpful to you.
You daughter will be ok - as a previous poster said she probably doesn’t really understand what it really means.
She is loved and you are doing your best under quite difficult circumstances. Be kind to yoursel too. 🌺

worriedmamma12 · 22/07/2018 09:18

I am under the care of my GP as I was discharged from the psychiatrist. I take regular meds and I run to help the symptoms but at the moment I will admit I am struggling. I lost my job a few weeks ago too so am trying to claim PIP as my GP thinks I can't cope with work ( the stress seems to trigger manic episodes). I have very supportive parents but very few friends who know and understand. I am probably worrying unnecessarily and in reality I don't think she will hurt him. I was just so shocked and I should have said yes I'd love her even then but I didn't and now I feel guilty! My mum is coming to sit with my little boy so I can take her out later and spend some time with her. She is very jealous and craves attention but it's very difficult when it's just me!

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 22/07/2018 09:19

Oh yes, just her checking 'is there a limit to your love for me, is there any circumstance that would cause you to stop loving me'.

It's possible that idea might be related to 'mummy and ddady don't love each other any more', thus love can end but also quite possible it isn't.

On your latest post, please don't project yourself onto her. She's a different person. She may or may not have similar character traits and potential - in so many ways. That doesn't mean she'll have the same problems. Her life and her path are different from yours.

It's not so much that negative emphasis from you will be a self-fulling prophesy, more that if you're busy thinking that way, you may not be giving so much attention to what is unique to her and encouraging her development in directions you don't already know about. You might upset her in future, if she gets the idea that you see her as some sort of version or extension of yourself, instead of as her own unique and wonderful person. Teenagers are pretty keen on being unique and wonderful!

Often, we emphasise things we want - and don't want - to see in children, often from a very self-absorbed perspective. We pay attention to evidence we 'want' (or fear) to see and ignore or fail to notice what we don't want to see, or just don't know about. People talk about their child being a potential rugby player or artist or doctor. Gender stereotyping works this way too of course.

They also sometimes talk about dcs liking or not liking school subjects as a reaction to their own ability or lack of (oh, maybe he didn't want to feel pressured to have to live up to my wonderfulness! Oh well, I was never any good at maths, he's my ds all right!), when the child's experience has nothing at all to do with their attitude towards their parent's abilities and everything to do with their own aptitudes and experiences.

I've sort of lived this experience in some ways and remember feeling angry and incredulous with my DM, in my late teens, for thinking my performance had anything to do with her problems - and that if she thought that, then why did she not ensure external support was in place, to deal with the issue constructively, rather than just sit about hand-wringing? It was as if she'd resigned herself to the idea of an 'inevitable' path, thus actively creating that path. Actually, she was good at creating positive practicalities for me, which was why the reaslisation she held this attitude was a shock but it did make me angry - at her making everything about her.

ravenmum · 22/07/2018 09:19

I tried to reassure her I didn't think she would hurt him and I knew she loved him
Maybe she doesn't love him at the moment, though - sounds to me like she's jealous of him, as he's at home cuddling and having fun with you while she's at school. She probably wishes he wasn't there, so it could just be you and her together, like it was before he came along. And her little head has come up with the idea that the only way for that to happen would be if she killed him! However, she's also worked out that if she did that, things wouldn't just go back to the happy mummy-daughter relationship again, as then she would be a hardened criminal and you might not like her.

I'd see this as a child's logic - daydreaming and working things out in her head - combined with some real jealousy. Children think about things like this! I don't think it's abnormal at all. They are just working out how the world works and don't have the filter we use to decide not to tell the outside world about our daydreams.

Is she perhaps not very happy at school? Perhaps check that out. But maybe she just needs some extra cuddles right now and reassurance that she is mummy's lovely little girl. Take her out without her brother, perhaps. And explain that it's OK to be jealous of him, and OK for her to hate him sometimes. And that if she's feeling unhappy about something she can come and tell you.

worriedmamma12 · 22/07/2018 09:19

I haven't been hospitalised for my condition. Was under the mental health team last year when I was suicidal and had social services involvement but the case was closed as the children were fine. I have only been diagnosed a year so that in itself is difficult!

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 22/07/2018 09:23

I think
It’s not uncommon for kids to think/ say these things. It’s a fantasy to re arrangeme the world as they want it.
Just reassure her you love her and that her behaviour couldn’t change that. You could dislike her actions but not stop loving her.
Then carry on with the much needed attention on a regular basis .

lottiegarbanzo · 22/07/2018 09:25

But yes, your experience will mean you end up with insight, techniques and coping mechanisms that may one day be valuable. If either dc does have a similar illness. When they decide to talk to you about it.

corythatwas · 22/07/2018 09:27

Sounds to me like you are doing wonders in a difficult situation, OP. Don't worry too much about not having found exactly the right words on one occasion, there will be plenty of time to reassure your dd.

ravenmum · 22/07/2018 09:27

Apparently she is very similar to how I was at that age so I'm scared the pattern will repeat itself if I don't get her some help.
Speak to your own counsellor about this, as this is not very healthy thinking, I'm afraid! And whoever has been putting this idea in your head is being extremely unhelpful. Is this a parent?

I should have said yes I'd love her even then but I didn't and now I feel guilty
What you said was just right.

Summersup · 22/07/2018 09:33

I found 6-8 a time when children (or some anyway) experience very strong emotion, we found a diary of my dd's a while ago from this age and she'd written very extreme things in it- she was laughing about it now but at the time, they obviously cut very deep and she really did hate me at times or feel strong emotions towards situations and people.

Summersup · 22/07/2018 09:35

I also agree you don't get a one off time to deal with anything- her exploring her sense of what is love, being left, fears for you can go on throughout her childhood, so don't worry too much about a one-off response- it must have been quite bewildering when she said that, but I suspect because you are alert for 'signs' she's like you, it panicked you more than another parent might have done (although I was pretty worried by my eldest at the same age as she also used to say pretty outrageous things).

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 22/07/2018 09:38

There’s a book I used to read to my DS at bedtime called No Matter What by Debi Gliori. It’s about a little fox called Small that’s worried about love being limited and it all disappearing if Small misbehaves. The parental figure, a big fox called Tall, reassures over and over again that there’s nothing bad Small can think or do that will stop Tall from loving Small.

It’s such an important message that even though your DD is perhaps a little older than the target audience, I would still consider getting a copy of this book and reading it to her as often as it takes to make her feel confident of your unconditional love.

(There are two versions of this book with slightly different endings. I think the board book version would be better for your DD as the paperback version mentions death and might be more suitable for bereaved children.)

You sound like a sensitive and empathetic person who feels things deeply and your DD is similar. Cherish these qualities in yourself and in her and carry on being the caring mum that you are.

lottiegarbanzo · 22/07/2018 09:42

And yes, it is totally normal for dc this age to say very violent things e.g. saying they want to kill and eat an adult they know and love/like is normal, based on the sample of boys that age that I know!

DD that age talks about people dying or being dead in a very matter of fact way. It's about understanding the world.

So I'd suggest that it's always worth starting with the thought that things are normal. Even violent, horrible and odd things. If you check, you'll usually find they are.

Lynne1Cat · 22/07/2018 09:47

I think she's picking up on your low mood, but also children do say strange things at times. Your reaction may have too serious or lengthy. I don't think she needs counselling, but I suspect she's feeling a bit left out and perhaps some time spent just with her now and then may be all she needs.

Is she a middle child? My 7 yr old granddaughter behaves in the same way on the odd occasion - she lives with her mum (and the mum's boyfriend who is a twat), a younger sister (my son is the dad of both), and an older sister. She's recently had spats at school and at home, and a lot of it had been to do with the mother's boyfriend.

Good luck with your children, all of them. You're doing a good job, and it can't be easy.

ittakes2 · 22/07/2018 09:48

I have ocd and had intrusive thoughts at that age. I would just speak to your gp.

worriedmamma12 · 22/07/2018 10:13

Ravenmum yes it is my mum who says she is the same as me. I had play therapy as s child to help I think. I have ended up like my mum (altho not quite as negative?!) so that strengthens my concerns. I have just had s talk with her and told her I love her and that even if she hurt someone I would still love her. She said she just wants him to go away sometimes and play with me alone. She want me to take her to the cinema so I'll do that this week. Worried about how I'll cope in the holidays with both of them, their dad refuses to take time off to help me!

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 22/07/2018 10:15

You sound like a lovely kind sensitive mum OP. Get some professional input though and explain to your DD not to be scared but it can really help everyone. Don't discourage the honesty she's shown.

ravenmum · 22/07/2018 10:18

Children pondering existentialism is great and all that, but I would bet lots of money that the "would you still love me if" comment is really purely practical: her working out that killing her baby brother would not be a good way to get her mum all to herself again!

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