To be worried about what my 6yo DD said last night??

[worriedmamma12]

Last night after having a girls night with my 6 (almost 7) year old DD and giving her some much needed atttention she said something that has really concerned me.

I was putting her to bed and she asked me if I loved her and her brother the same. I said of course I do, why? She said because I spend more time with him when she is at school. I said again I love them both the same and always will no matter what they do.

She then asked me if I would still love her if she killed her brother.....I didn't know what to say so I said I would be very sad and she would be in lots of trouble. I asked her why she had said this and she said she didn't know. I asked if she had thought about hurting him and she said no. She then got vey very upset and I couldn't calm her down. She ended up just sitting with me until I went to bed. She cried herself to sleep. She said it's because I think she will hurt her brother.

I tried to reassure her I didn't think she would hurt him and I knew she loved him but I am very very concerned about this.

For background she has been very emotional lately and her behaviour has been difficult to say the least. Also I suffer with bipolar and recently had a manic episode. I am feeling very low and depressed myself so don't know how much of this is her picking up on how I feel.

Her dad also left 2 years ago and I don't think she has come to terms with his either as she keeps asking if i love him and when he is coming home.

AIBU to think she needs some counselling and to be worried about what she said? I couldn't sleep last night for worrying!

Thanks.

I had a very similar experience with my dd who’s 8 - she effectively said she feels like I love her younger brother (4yo) more.

I think especially at this age gap it’s challenging because as the older sibling grows we have greater expectations of them and place more responsibility on their actions so it can feel like things are very unfair to them (especially when they spend most of the week at school)

For my daughter’s recent birthday alongside her presents we decided to give her a voucher book we made - filled with one-on-one activities for her to do with her dad and/or I (e.g. an afternoon of crafting together, a movie date, an outing of her choice, getting to pick dinner and desert one night etc etc) this has made a huge difference to her happiness as she has been able to choose when to “cash in” certain vouchers - and then enjoy some quality time with myself or her dad when she needs it. I wonder if you could gift your DD something similar? And if your DM can help watch your DS to accommodate this? It’s been very special and positive in our home...

it is my mum who says she is the same as me
I missed this comment - yes, really not helpful of your mum. Offloading her own fatalistic fears onto you - and for what purpose? Not exactly designed to comfort you, is it? I'd be a bit annoyed about that. Maybe it's time to think about whether any other such gems of wisdom she has passed on to you are true, or just a reflection of her own issues.

You haven't "ended up" like anything, unless you're 105 already and probably never going to develop any further or learn anything new. You've just got a diagnosis and just started working out how to deal with it: you're at the beginning of what could be some extrremely positive changes.

Perhaps you could arrange it so that they have different bedtimes - she gets to go to bed later now she's a big girl, and the two of you read an extra story for half an hour, for example. Or you put a little note in her lunch box. It doesn't have to be huge chunks of time you devote to her, just little gestures.

Fivelittleduckies that's a fantastic idea and her birthday is coming up soon so I think that is something I will do x

As it's the holidays, could you let her occasionally stay up late after her brother is asleep and have a little bit of time with you then?

If you are single, could she sleep in your bed with you occasionally? I have a child with SEN and related anxiety issues and I find co-sleeping when he is really struggling is helpful. We keep it boundaried so he knows it's only for x number of nights.

Even my eldest who is 13 years old, still talks about what it would be like if his siblings were not here. It's not about wishing them harm but rather missing that undivided attention that firsties get before their siblings come along (other children always have to share and so the impact is not as profound). I just try to carve out time for him whenever I can (not easy with no family support).

All of mine have said some quite violent things at that age, be it towards others or themselves. Try not to freak out about it, it's really just about exploring big and complicated emotions/concepts with limited linguistic resources. Take deep breaths and try and hear the subtext and address that. Acknowledge that its ok that she misses having you to herself and reassure her that you love spending time alone with her and will try and find time to do that.

Try not to beat yourself black and blue with the guilt stick. My mum has mental health problems, I have mental health problems and there's a good chance that at least one of my children will have issues. All I can do is strive to find modalities that help me live my best life (which sometimes looks like just being able to get up in the morning) and then pass on that knowledge to them if they need it so they don't have to get to middle age before they understand/get help for what they are going through.

You are doing a brilliant job in difficult circumstances. Be gentle with yourself and don't allow guilt or shame to overwhelm you. You are an innocent trying to navigate a difficult journey... as is she.

Wasn't she just trying to work out whether your love for her is conditional - whether she has to be good to be loved and what level of awful behaviour would make you stop loving her. She needs to know for absolute certain that there is nothing at all no matter how dreadful that would ever stop you from loving her - but that obviously committing dreadful crimes like murder would obviously still have dreadful consequences - but nevertheless you would still be loving her whatever.

I don't think she's planning to harm her brother, just that harming her brother was the most terrible crime she could think of to test this.

I think she’d benefit from some counselling. Not because you’ve done anything wrong but because there are a lot of things in the air that she may be worried about and is unable to articulate. Someone trained at this with children will be the best bet. Hugs to you. Well done for holding the fort down yourself whilst battling bipolar.

Thanks all. You have made me feel better and that I am not raising a psychopath

I do let her stay up late and even later at the weekends and she sleeps with me then 2. Problem is I sleep badly and having her in my bed doesn't help but if I helps her I will do it more x

If she does have any mental health issues, it will make a huge difference that you are learning how to deal with your own problems now.

My mum is so anxious that it makes her paranoid, and I suffered from anxiety as a teenager, but she can't even admit her own problems due to her paranoia, so wasn't able to help me. But I managed to help myself a bit over the years, and when I realised my son was showing signs of anxiety I was able to get him professional help. As it was caught while he was young, it was never such a big problem for him and the counsellor he had was super helpful. He's now far more confident than I was at his age.

So it's great that you are aware of potential problems and are doing sensible things like asking for others' opinions and considering counselling. Don't listen too hard to doom-sayers!