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Original poster

Would you find this rude? Settle an issue

79 replies

LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/07/2018 22:51

DP and I agree MIL can be quite rude, but disagreed over the implications of some recent interactions. We rented a new place a few months ago, and MIL came to stay for the first time. She was in a bad mood and made a lot of negative comments. Then, looking at our new fridge freezer, she said 'oh, that would be great for me! You'd need to get a van if you were going to swap it with ours'. She repeated this several times, that we'd need a van to swap it, and that it'd be good for her.

I understood this to be her hinting she wanted us to consider swapping it with hers. Would you think she meant that?

DP was quite short with her when she said it, and just said 'mum, I don't know what you mean'. But I think she was hinting we should give her our new fridge. Take into account that we are tight on cash, and that MIL is about to come into a small inheritance, and I think this is really rude. Or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
FatSally · 21/07/2018 22:55

I don't know if it's rude so much as just really odd.

wellBeehivedWoman · 21/07/2018 22:56

It sounds bizarre either way. It is quite rude to hint if that's what she was doing, but maybe she didn't intend to.

Frogscotch7 · 21/07/2018 22:56

Your dp has the measure of her and said exactly the right thing.

LoniceraJaponica · 21/07/2018 22:56

It's your fridge, not hers. Why does she think she is entitled to it?

GooodMythicalMorning · 21/07/2018 22:59

Just say no and ignore.

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/07/2018 23:03

I do say no, and I do think it's odd, but this is an example rather than an isolated incident. She routinely says things that sound (to me) as if she's hinting for you to give her something. I just don't know how to reply, because she will always repeat the same phrases over and over, and you can only pretend you didn't hear or ask her to clarify so many times.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 21/07/2018 23:07

DP was quite short with her when she said it, and just said 'mum, I don't know what you mean'.

But clearly your DP dies know what her mother means, but I’d just not going to play the game. So it’s good, isn’t it? Your DP knows her mum is cheeky and odd, but is deliberately ignoring it so as not to have a row. That’s how it reads to me.

MargotLovedTom1 · 21/07/2018 23:07

By clarify, do you mean saying things like: "Norma, are you saying you want us to give you our new fridge?!' in an incredulous tone? Because I think even the slightest bit of skirting around the issue will mean she keeps going on.

Mxyzptlk · 21/07/2018 23:08

If you and DH are in agreement that you won't be going along with any of her suggestions then ignore them or say "Yes, lucky we're not going to be swapping." and suchlike.

Yes, it's rude.

Iflyaway · 21/07/2018 23:08

Oh, just pretend she's doting and say "Haha, very funny."

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

Get in touch with your inner feminist dragon Grin

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/07/2018 23:14

No - well, it's 'good' for a very relative value of 'good'! DP doesn't think MIL is being sparklingly polite, it's true. But the problem is that I think MIL is actually hinting for us to give her this thing (and, indeed, I think MIL is usually hinting for us to give her things). DP thinks she is only expressing a general desire for stuff, and doesn't actually intend to put pressure on us to provide it.

Frankly, I find it fucking annoying whichever it is, and wish MIL would stop doing it. But I want to know how it seems to other people.

margot - I probably need to do more of that. I have done the odd bit of '... you want us to give you ...' stuff, but it doesn't actually stop her hinting. I've also tried 'but MIL, you could buy one yourself; can we help you choose?' and she simply denies she ever hinted or pretends she can't possibly afford whatever it is (she can).

OP posts:
gamerchick · 21/07/2018 23:14

I understood this to be her hinting she wanted us to consider swapping it with hers. Would you think she meant that?

Heh it's exactly what she meant!

I had an ex SIL like this but she would talk to me seperately on about collecting/swapping stuff like it was a done deal with my ex to me.

It's bizarre shit, stand your ground and tell her straight when the hints start happening.

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/07/2018 23:15

Grin ifly, I've no idea how this is a feminist dragon issue, but thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/07/2018 23:16

gamer, thank goodness you said that! I genuinely do end up second-guessing myself because she is so brazen, I start wondering if she really means it!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 21/07/2018 23:19

Oh I do think she actually means it! But I’m sure your DP knows she actually means it too - she’s just reluctant to say her mum is a ducking cheeky loon... Grin

I’d find it infuriating too, but I’d think ignoring is just all you can do. Or bring REALLY blunt like a PP suggested.

SneakyGremlins · 21/07/2018 23:21

It's totally a hint.

Can you get her a Barbie version?

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/07/2018 23:21

I think DP is currently trying to pretend to herself her mum could somehow have said this without it sounding cheeky, actually.

I am very happy with ignoring, but I do want DP to realise this is not a normal way to be.

OP posts:
Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/07/2018 23:21

Grin sneaky, I am so tempted! Genius.

OP posts:
Gettingbackonmyfeet · 21/07/2018 23:26

I agree it certainly sounds like that , gah grabby people drive me nuts

I've met a few and it's honestly as if they can't help themselves , they can't seem to understand that other people's things are there's

My Exmil was very much like this and would assume and be making plans for something of ours to go to her

My sister sold me a smeg fridge many years ago and Exmil saw it and was practically ordering the van...the only way to stop it was genuinely me standing there saying " are you insane ? Why on earth do you think you are entitled to it ?" It honestly had to be that blunt

I strongly dislike the woman and will be forever grateful she is now Exmil...but oddly to her defence she genuinely could not help herself...mif she saw any sniff of something she could talk or con her way into it was like watching a compulsion

Genuinely the only way to stop her was to tell her she was nuts and to get lost

I don't know what to suggest OP my Exmil so rhinoskinned you would practically have to shout at her ..."get the he'll off my stuff" before she would listen which is suspect is not the approach you would prefer but you may need to consider something similar but polite

Shumpalumpa · 21/07/2018 23:31

Presumptious and grabby. I would have asked her ''Why do we need a van?' 'Why would we swap fridges?'

Firesuit · 21/07/2018 23:34

I can't imagine any sane person expects to commandeer a relatives new fridge. I think she's just fantasising about having it, and thinking aloud the steps that would be involved.

Essentially I'm with DP on this.

DP thinks she is only expressing a general desire for stuff, and doesn't actually intend to put pressure on us to provide it.

Hope34 · 21/07/2018 23:35

A hint...I would say she has booked the vanGrin

Only thing I can say is -what a liberty

CoolCarrie · 21/07/2018 23:44

Cheeky fucker alert 🚨 sounds like she is a piece of work, OP. The barbie version is brilliant!

Aeroflotgirl · 21/07/2018 23:45

Very rude, I would have told her no, actually we are happy with our new fridge and don't need to swap thank you.

lottiegarbanzo · 21/07/2018 23:47

Well how would a general desire involve a van?

That would be more like 'oh, lovely, I'd love one like this', or 'much nicer than ours, I'd love to get one like this'.

Weirdy weird and rude yes. I don't see how your DP can construe that as anything other than her asking you for it - more like telling you you're giving it to her and how. She's not 'hinting' she's telling!