Would you find this rude? Settle an issue

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

DP and I agree MIL can be quite rude, but disagreed over the implications of some recent interactions. We rented a new place a few months ago, and MIL came to stay for the first time. She was in a bad mood and made a lot of negative comments. Then, looking at our new fridge freezer, she said 'oh, that would be great for me! You'd need to get a van if you were going to swap it with ours'. She repeated this several times, that we'd need a van to swap it, and that it'd be good for her.

I understood this to be her hinting she wanted us to consider swapping it with hers. Would you think she meant that?

DP was quite short with her when she said it, and just said 'mum, I don't know what you mean'. But I think she was hinting we should give her our new fridge. Take into account that we are tight on cash, and that MIL is about to come into a small inheritance, and I think this is really rude. Or am I overreacting?

Is there any chance she thinks the fridge was bought by the landlord and that she thinks the landlord wouldn’t notice if you swapped it? Not that this scenario makes things any better.

She’s either hinting or making a really rubbish joke. I’d ‘joke’ back, ‘don’t worry, we’ll save you the expense of a van by never giving this to you.’

I think she wants you to pay for the shitting van too.

Definitely a hint.

Only way is to be blunt
“Are you asking for our fridge Dorris?”
“What are you talking about Dorris?”
“Good job you’re not having it then Dorris”

I would just say, "that's really strange and you are acting really weird?! No way you are having my fridge! Bonkers..."

She is odd, but then so are your responses.
She isn’t hinting, she’s asking you to arrange a swap of her old stuff with your new. I guess your dh is trying to deflect her by pretending to not know what she means.
IMO you have two options say
“ I’m glad you like it but you can’t have it”
Or decide it’s not important and carry on deflecting.
I would do the former and follow up with “ why do you think you should be given our stuff” “ you know we’ve just bought that, we’re not giving it away”
It won’t stop nee being odd, but you can change the dynamic in your favour by flagging up how strange the request is, and by finding out what she has to say about it.

ADarkandStormyKnight. …that’s exactly what I thought when I read the post..

Going on from there, as it’s a rented property, you could say “It’s out of the question - it doesn’t belong to us- it came with the apartment”.

(Not just for the fridge but anything else that catches her covetous eye!)

Tell her that Curry's or John Lewis or whatever will deliver her new fridge when she buys it.

It's not that hers is bigger than ours, no. She has more people in her house and hers is smaller, so it might be she thinks she's somehow entitled, and it might be, as people say, that she thinks adult children ought to help out their parents. We do, but it gets on my nerves when she keeps on asking and asking for stuff.

DP's approach is great for an easy life, but whoever asked if I wanted a row is probably right - my natural tendency is to want to clear the air; DP prefers to stave off rows and then simmer about it for days being irritated!

'oh, that would be great for me! You'd need to get a van if you were going to swap it with ours'.

"Since we have no plans to swap our fridge with anyone, we won't need a van" and, "It doesn't matter how many times you repeat it, it ain't gonna happen!"

Very odd indeed. I would just have said “well yes IF we were swapping but we are not as we are happy with our new fridge thanks. Why would we be planning on swapping?”

My parents sometimes say this sort of thing! Example: Mum noticed I had a new washing machine and started criticising the fact we'd bought a more expensive brand, why did we need that etc (actually the previous one completely packed up). Then Dad said "It would fit in the back of my car!". When they say stuff like this I simply say something like "Yes, I'm pleased with it, I'll give you the make and model if you like so you can order the same". Or I'll say "I'll let you know what I think of it after a while and where we got it so you can order one too if you like". Weird.

This is really odd behaviour on your MIL's part.

Has this behaviour has been ongoing for years or is it a recent development?

Sounds to me like a joke that's been misinterpreted. She might have a dry sense of humour that generally goes unappreciated.

" DP prefers to stave off rows and then simmer about it for days being irritated!"

So is this something that your OH will keep going on about to you?

If so, then tell them to either deal with it with their mum or stfu about it!

It sounds irritating but I'm sure your OH knew what was meant & dealt with it accordingly.

Does it really matter if you agree or not in what the intention behind the remark was?

You seem to think badly of your MIL for it & to want your OH to think as badly of their mum as you do-why?

Yes, diddl! And I get why she goes on about it, but it bugs me because I do keep thinking, FFS, either take the bait and have a conversation about it, or don't keep chewing over it with me and asking 'do you think she meant to be rude?'.

I do think badly of MIL. I think she's relentlessly negative and it bothers me that my DP constantly tries to please her and gets knocked back. I don't think I want DP to think badly of her, but I do hate this dynamic where MIL will say things that seem to be deliberately rude/intended to push DP's buttons, and DP will just deflect them because she wants to please her mum. I dunno what her mum gets out of that, either.

"DP will just deflect them because she wants to please her mum. "

Ah-that's a whole different kettle of fish!

My MILsays daft stuff but I wouldn't pick it up with my husband for putting up with it so as not to argue with as it doesn't affect us/my husband doesn't moan about it.

Oh, I think it's fine to have a mutual pact to ignore someone. We both try our best to ignore my dad who comes out with nutty shite at times.

I do keep thinking, FFS, either take the bait and have a conversation about it, or don't keep chewing over it with me and asking 'do you think she meant to be rude?

So, say that to DP.

I think its rude and she was hinting. Your DP's response sounds ok to me though, it doesn't sound like your MIL will change the habits of a lifetime even if you point out you won't be swapping and have a row about it?

I keep coming back to this and laughing at the sheer cheek!

John Lewis does great vans, if she's that interested.

DP prefers to stave off rows and then simmer about it for days being irritated!

But why does there have to be a row if she simply says something like "But we're not going to swap, so we won't need a van", or "Why on earth would we plan to swap it, we've only just bought it?" At least it would stop MiL hinting - either she would have to shut up, or say why she thinks you should swap it, and it seems pretty clear that the doesn't want to come out with a blatant demand.

It's not a hint, it's odd. It's a weird envy, entitlement, dominance & power thing.

Your MIL's brain works in a very strange way.

Thanks BoF, will recommend.

myx, I have, and DP's view is that some people wouldn't find it rude, and maybe she is overthinking it, and am I sure her mum meant it that way (except she did, and ...) ....

I do think badly of MIL. I think she's relentlessly negative and it bothers me that my DP constantly tries to please her and gets knocked back.

So is this really about the fact your MiL doesn’t treat your DP as well as you think she ought to, and you kind of want your DP to push back and demand the respect she deserves?