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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you find this rude? Settle an issue

79 replies

LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/07/2018 22:51

DP and I agree MIL can be quite rude, but disagreed over the implications of some recent interactions. We rented a new place a few months ago, and MIL came to stay for the first time. She was in a bad mood and made a lot of negative comments. Then, looking at our new fridge freezer, she said 'oh, that would be great for me! You'd need to get a van if you were going to swap it with ours'. She repeated this several times, that we'd need a van to swap it, and that it'd be good for her.

I understood this to be her hinting she wanted us to consider swapping it with hers. Would you think she meant that?

DP was quite short with her when she said it, and just said 'mum, I don't know what you mean'. But I think she was hinting we should give her our new fridge. Take into account that we are tight on cash, and that MIL is about to come into a small inheritance, and I think this is really rude. Or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
buttercup54321 · 21/07/2018 23:49

She might think her bigger one would suit you better, She is probably just rude and entitled though.

ThinkingCat · 21/07/2018 23:54

Very peculiar. Was there any reason why she might think you would want hers instead?

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 21/07/2018 23:58

Yeah she’s hinting. Very rude. If that was my family she would be told “err, no chance greedy! Buy your own fridge!”

Italiangreyhound · 21/07/2018 23:58

Just odd, nothing more. I'd ignore.

EduCated · 21/07/2018 23:59

*Well how would a general desire involve a van?

That would be more like 'oh, lovely, I'd love one like this', or 'much nicer than ours, I'd love to get one like this'.*

This. Weird and definitely rude. I think even saying over and over ‘oh this is much nicer than mine, I’d love one like this’ would get irritating, actually talking about vans is a whole level up of rudeness/weirdness!

BoomBoomsCousin · 22/07/2018 00:21

I am very happy with ignoring, but I do want DP to realise this is not a normal way to be.

Why? Why burst her little bubble if she’s not giving in and letting it impact your life. She wants to think well of her mum (or, at least, not badly), it’s hardly a terrible character trait. Leave her to it unless it seems like things are sliding into action rather than just her idealization of her mother.

I would laugh outright if someone in my extended family suggested we should swap some new thing we’d bought with their less desirable version. It is cheeky. But there’s no point in making a big deal of it. You just hold her at arms length. Whether she says that sort of stuff out loud or manages to suppress it, you’re still going to need to hold her at arms length. So don’t let it bother you. She is who she is. She has her bad traits but we all do and these ones are the sort that you really ought to be able to tolerate.

LoisWilkerson1 · 22/07/2018 00:24

Yes it is rude. She's saying she should have your thing as if she is more important. I need a dishwasher if you're up for it....

Candyflip · 22/07/2018 00:27

Is her’s bigger? So she thinks it would be more suitable for you? My MIL offered to swap our tiny central London flat for her much larger house out in the ‘burbs. She was trying to be kind and even started to measure up 😂. She was worried because we had just had a baby, there was never any fucking way I was moving from zone 1 to zone 5. Just tell her straight, then ignore any subsequent comments/hints.

ScrubTheDecks · 22/07/2018 00:33

Just laugh and say ‘luckily we don’t need to get a van because we’re not swapping our new freezer”.
It’s not a big deal..

BitOfFun · 22/07/2018 00:34

I'd go with the Norma method. It does sound as though your DP can handle it though.

DamsonPie · 22/07/2018 00:34

Weird. Why would she think you’d buy a new fridge then give it to her and take her old one? Nobody in their right mind would do that! I agree with pp who said being blunt and rude is the only way to deal with rude cheeky people.

Ractify · 22/07/2018 01:32

Just tell her where you bought it, and that they have their own delivery vans to deliver hers once she's bought one!

Shumpalumpa · 22/07/2018 07:49

If you're both working and earning, she may feel she deserves some things, from her son especially.

My mum thinks adult children should provide for their parents materially and parents should help their adult children in other ways (childcare, cooking, etc). She has a healthy income so for the most part I tell her she can afford what she wants very easily and she doesn't really express it anymore.

My mil also expects her children to give her cash regularly (and they do). It may be a generational thing, I can't imagine doing the same.

pinkdelight · 22/07/2018 07:59

Love the idea that you'd be the ones hiring the van! She's very strange, and yes, it does come across rude. Yanbu.

ushuaiamonamour · 22/07/2018 08:06

I don't know how to reply

A response to obnoxious remarks not worth the effort to argue about that I tend to use is a small polite smile and the words 'I suppose so' or 'really' or simply 'hmm'. I've found this pretty effective.

lottiegarbanzo · 22/07/2018 08:14

Can you say something like 'I can send you a link to the shop we bought it from if you're interested?'

Or conversationally, 'oh, are you planning to re-do your kitchen?'

I do find the van part utterly bizarre and might be much blunter, unless I knew there were good reasons for her expressing such odd expectations.

Bibesia · 22/07/2018 08:15

She routinely says things that sound (to me) as if she's hinting for you to give her something. I just don't know how to reply, because she will always repeat the same phrases over and over, and you can only pretend you didn't hear or ask her to clarify so many times.

Why pretend or ask for clarification? Why not straight out say something like "Please stop hinting. If you're saying we should give you our new fridge, I'm afraid it's just not going to happen."

HoppingPavlova · 22/07/2018 08:19

I’d think it was really odd and while my mind was boggling I’d just say ‘no thanks, we’re fine with this one, thanks for asking’.

Urbanbeetler · 22/07/2018 08:28

Booming laugh

Not a chance in hell dear MIL are you getting your paws on our lovely fridge

Booming laugh

Put kettle on

I agree that you don’t need to make it explicit to your partner that her mums an arse. I’m sure she knows but is bound a bit in loyalty which isn’t a bad trait as long as it is primarily for you and your dc, which I’m sure it is.

Urbanbeetler · 22/07/2018 08:30

Sorry about the booming laughs. I never had you down as a feeble titters sort of dragon.

BillywilliamV · 22/07/2018 08:35

I am so far from being in a place where anyone I know would dream of behaving this way that I am genuinely baffled!
Your mil thinks she can have your fridge?
Did we all just fall down a rabbit hole?

SholaHammer · 22/07/2018 08:40

"Why on earth would we give you our fridge ?"

Or quite simple

"Well you can't have it"

diddl · 22/07/2018 08:42

Has her hinting actually led to any swaps?

If not, whilst annoying, I think that you are way overthinking this.

Your partner dealt with it-why would you keep on at them about it?

Are you trying to cause an argument/ill feeling?

Loonoon · 22/07/2018 08:47

I would laugh and say ‘if ever we get fed up of it we’ll send it your way’ but that could be risky with your MIL as she sounds a bit of a nut job.

RoboticSealpup · 22/07/2018 08:48

The van comment is nuts! Not even 'we' would need a van, but 'you' would have to hire a van in order to give her your new fridge! WTF. I would definitely think she had misunderstood something if you hadn't told us about her general behaviour.

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