To dread this holiday to Italy with a friend

[needtimealone]

So my friend invited myself and ds to Italy with her and her twin boys. She has a house out there and is going to stay there.

I'm nervous generally anyway but I've come to absolutely dread it.

I'm naturally a tom boy, hair pulled back and a little make up, I actually think I look OK.

When I went round my friends house on Monday she spent the time telling me that I have to go shopping to go to Italy because the people there will be looking at me and judging me, that even people she hasn't spoken to in years will talk to her just to see who I am and they will pass judgement on what I wear. (she is Italian if it makes any difference).

She's told me that while I'm there I can't pull my hair back as "were on holiday after all".

I'm not one for doing all my hair and make up and wearing very girly clothes. I'm dreading going now and just feel like what's the point. Ds and I are very adventurous and I'm an introvert, I don't even know how I'm going to get some time alone. I already feel stressed. It's ds (6) first time abroad and at first I was excited...

Are you sure you aren't being taken as a babysitter?

That is the vibe I am getting.

I'd stay home. Fuck that for a laugh.

@tellseveryone I think I might be. She said about needing help with them on the plane and as I was going it'd be easier now... Its not going to be much of a holiday is it...

I have a distinct sense she’s going to use you to manage her delightful children.

Stay home...

The weather here is too good to go away anyway this year.

have hoidayed in several parts of Italy and have never been able to distinguish locals from holiday makers. I think the OP just needs to wear what she feels comfortable in. It isn't as if it is a culturally sensitive situation

I think it's different when you're a guest in somebody's house, seeing their friends and family in their home town. Completely different if you book and pay for your own accommodation.

I agree OP should be comfortable, but you can be comfortable as well as dressing in a way that doesn't embarrass your host. Doing your hair needn't take long. I blow dry mine with a hot brush then twist and clip the top section to keep it off my face. It takes 10 mins max. If we were having dinner with the host's relatives/friends and I was expected to dress up, I'd wear something suitable. I'm not sure about Italy, but in many cultures dressing down is considered disrespectful and rude, particularly in the evening.

OP is it too late to back out and book an AirB&B instead?

She said about needing help with them on the plane and as I was going it'd be easier now... Its not going to be much of a holiday is it

I think it's reasonable to expect her to want help with the kids in the airport/plane/some of the time you're there. If I invited a friend to my holiday home abroad, and we took children, I'd expect us to work as a team and also take turns babysitting so we both had some downtime. I think it would be impolite to go off alone with your son without inviting her and her kids.

I agree OP should be comfortable, but you can be comfortable as well as dressing in a way that doesn't embarrass your host.
A friend shouldn't be embarrassed by you dressing in a relaxed way on your holiday! I could understand if OP had said she planned on strolling round the local area in nothing but a thong, but we're talking hair pulled back & minimal/no make-up. If anyone is going to be embarrassed by that then they need to take a good hard look at their values.
She wants you there as a nice smart nanny OP. And I don't see why she needs you to help her with her 2 kids at the airport when you have one of your own. Surely you look after your own & just get on with it?

Ask her what plans she has for what days, so you can plan activities for you and your son as well. Or start researching the area and get a list of things you want to do. Then its not rude. SHe can say "oh I thought we'd just play it by ear" and you can respond that you have things you definately want to do and go ahead and book as much as you can.

Presumably you are going to hire a car for yourself too? Dont rely on her for lifts everywhere, or you will be spending every day with her and working on her schedule and plans - make sure you are independent.

Get out early and make plans vague - "Oh we're off to X and then we might wander down to Y for lunch, what are your plans?"

SHe will ask you to take the kids with you - just laugh and say you cant manage 3 kids by yourself.

I think she is being ridiculous, shallow and rude. However, if you decide to go ahead with the trip perhaps you could make a few concessions before you go that might help; have a fabulous, easy-to-manage hairdo, buy a beautiful scarf you can use to dress up a plain top, a stylish sunhat and some fancy sunglasses, perhaps a summer dress that suits your style and some sandals that are stylish but easy to walk in. NB I don't think you should have to do any of this, but it might make you feel less on the back foot.

Fuck. That. Shit! She's is totally using you for babysitting, is a right cow, and is talking utter bollocks. I've been to Italy several times, made the square-root of fuck-all effort, and as far as I'm aware, the world didn't end and the Italian nation didn't combust in shock.

Cancel this holiday, and go without her at some future point - Italy is bloody lovely.

Oh, and a dab of lip gloss and some mascara can make you look more "polished".

I already wear mascara, foundation, eye liner and lip gloss on the odd day, so I'm not a complete Tom boy, I just prefer leggings, a shirt and a comfortable pair of Clarkes!

I have no idea about style or anything so the idea of a scarf and sunglasses is a good one

If you do go I don’t think your friendship is going to survive this holiday.

Her expectations are you will change your appearance to suit her, you will babysit her DCs when she wants you to and you will be constantly around to keep her company.

Your expectations are you will dress and style yourself in the way that you’re most comfortable, you wont be babysitting for expended periods of time and you will spend time exploring the local area with just you and your DS. Your friend doesn’t sound like she does compromising, so you’ll either bend to her will and spend the entire time inwardly seething or you’ll end up having a bust up. Tbh either would be a shit way to spend a holiday.

I’d cut your losses and find something else to do with your DS.

Wait up.

She wanted to curl your hair. You said no five times and she carried on at you anyway, and you caved in the end.

You said no, five times, and she didn't want to hear that.

Can you have a think a minute about whether that's a pattern for the two of you interacting?

Also, what would you expect her reaction to have been I felt you had not caved in to her a thread the point you did?

Just aiming to understand the dynamic in the friendship a little more. I think the cultural expectation in Italy might be a red herring here, and maybe it's really about how your roles play out in the friendship.

Ask her if you're expected on the catwalk..This makes me feel quite sad. She's picking holes in the way you choose to look.

You're her friend, but it's conditional. Not an attractive trait.

She sounds patronising & insensitive.

Italian women may be beautifully groomed but a lot of them wear fur in the winter so in my opinion that puts them way down at the bottom of the fashion ladder.

I’m spend the much of the summer away and most people wear their hair tied back - tourists and locals as the heat will make it stick to you and feel warmer. Never heard so much nonsense before - ignore her !

Is there a pool or beach? That sorts out your day wear.

Im assuming if you go out on an evening you will change, comb your hair and put abit of lipgloss on? You dont need heels sparkly fitflops will do and the are so comfy. Ive been in this position many times on holiday in italy. They do all get dressed up for a night stroll its part of their holiday routine and they do all seem to know each other. I dont think your friend is being mean really. Shes just saying in like it is which is quite Italian anyway. I dont think she means any harm. Has she got a fancy place out there btw? Im just wondering if the babysitting is in lieu of rent? Will she be cooking everyday? Is that her thing? Im quite jealous tbh!

I'm like you and went shopping in Milan at 18. They were nicer than those in British shops, willing to help, not at all 'you can't afford this' which really I couldn't, but I'd forgotten shorts. Definitely didn't care how I was dressed, if they didn't they didn't show it. You get snobs in Britain too remember, you get them everywhere. No country acts in their stereotypical way for the entire country. You will obviously get some that do, but the majority don't. Ignore her.

I'd call her bluff. Go off and do stuff with your son every day. Tell her if she feels you embarrass her with lack of style welcome to pretend she doesn't know you.

OP she's not a friend if she's putting you down, forcing hairdressing and generally being manipulative. As others have said I suspect you're there for childcare.

If it were me I'd find somewhere else to stay and have the holiday you and ds will enjoy.

"Oh sorry, I can't join you after all, I've found this amazing (insert activity your ds loves) holiday half price, plus I don't want to cramp your style "

Have a lovely holiday OP.

What utter bollocks! I went and stayed with my Italian friend in Italy and she never blinked at what I wore, and nor did the locals. And I'm far from glamorous!