To dread this holiday to Italy with a friend

[needtimealone]

So my friend invited myself and ds to Italy with her and her twin boys. She has a house out there and is going to stay there.

I'm nervous generally anyway but I've come to absolutely dread it.

I'm naturally a tom boy, hair pulled back and a little make up, I actually think I look OK.

When I went round my friends house on Monday she spent the time telling me that I have to go shopping to go to Italy because the people there will be looking at me and judging me, that even people she hasn't spoken to in years will talk to her just to see who I am and they will pass judgement on what I wear. (she is Italian if it makes any difference).

She's told me that while I'm there I can't pull my hair back as "were on holiday after all".

I'm not one for doing all my hair and make up and wearing very girly clothes. I'm dreading going now and just feel like what's the point. Ds and I are very adventurous and I'm an introvert, I don't even know how I'm going to get some time alone. I already feel stressed. It's ds (6) first time abroad and at first I was excited...

Don't go. I've been to places because I felt obliged to go without listening to my gut feeling. She seems rude and you won't be able to escape this on holiday. Absolute rubbish about Italy as well. I think she is probably going to use you for a lot of cheap baby sitting as well ...

Don't conform to her ridiculous standards and dress however you like, or drop out.

I don't think you should pass up the opportunity of some time in Italy all because of a shallow woman. Yes many Italians dress up very smart but there are loads of scruffy Italians too. It's all irrelevant because it's your holiday and you can do what you like.

some friend! why go to spend a week being insulted?

If you have flights booked, see if you can arrange your own accommodation & leave her to it. I couldn’t be doing with another adult trying to police my attire & commenting persistently on my appearance. She’s not your bloody mother and you’re not 8 years old! Talk about overstepping boundaries...

I don't think you should pass up the opportunity of some time in Italy all because of a shallow woman

The 'opportunity' comes at a price though.

The OP would be staying at the house of 'supermodel' so would be under constant scrutiny.

Bloody hell. Unless you’re walking for Gucci in the Milan Fashion show you sound perfectly fine as you are. Your friend sounds OTT and very insecure. Of course you can tie your hair back and wear shorts and a t shirt and no makeup. Your on holiday. If she wants to play Barbies and spend ages on her hair, makeup and outfits then let her get on with it while you and DS go do whatever you enjoy doing on holiday. Or if that’s going to cause too much friction what are your options for cancelling? Could you afford to lose the flight cost? If that’s do-able I’d seriously think about it. If not then go, don’t let her suck you into spending time on your clothes etc and enjoy yourself with DS while she’s contouring her armpits.

Id be asking her if she regretted inviting me, and was she embarrassed to be seen with me....then reiterate that you would not be changing who you are to make her feel more confident. Id also plan something every day of your holidays, things that will make you and your son happy. Get out early, enjoy, meet back for dinner. Dont let her dictate how this holiday will work. If you can pre-book things now, so you can safely leave early and say "sorry, we have to be at X by 9am to pick up our bikes and afterwards we are heading to Y, but shall I pick up something for dinner?" and just go out and enjoy.

Someone telling me how to dress and making "digs" as you said, is someone I'd not want to be friends with.

I'd either not go and say why, or have a frank discussion. If you don't say anything she will be hassling you constantly.

I think she is probably going to use you for a lot of cheap baby sitting as well ...

Yeah, this too - that comment about looking after her son whilst she’s filming set off my spidey senses too.

Never accept anything that comes with conditions.

She sounds horrible to be honest. The original gesture was a lovely one, but to tell you how you have to look while you're there?? No chance.

Will you lose a lot of money if you don't go? I'd be back pedalling like crazy at this point. The appearance thing will make you constantly uncomfortable and it sounds as if you'll get landed with her twins quite often too.

About the babysitting - I'm massively getting this vibe too! And I'm DREADING that, her two are an absolute nightmare and do not listen.

The flight costs are paid, but at the moment I don't care and feel I would rather lose out on those then go.

As a side question, when someone has invited you on holiday is it rude to go off on some of the days and do your own thing? The thought of staying with them constantly is making me feel smothered

I travel to Italy for work about once every six weeks. People go about their business and generally couldn't give a figure what others wear. Your 'friend' sounds like an obnoxious twat, which isn't an endearing characteristic in any culture.

Trust your instincts. There are more strings attached to this ‘grand gesture’ than Pinocchio.

*Give a fig, obviously.

This "holiday" is going to be in exchange for hours and hours of free babysitting of her DTs IMHO for the following months while she does her cooking/you tubing

Don't go. I wouldn't.

Your 'friend' sounds like an obnoxious tit.

The request to babysit does sound like it might grow. It seems unlikely she’d arrange to do some work on a new show in Italy and only do one half day while she’s actually out there. You know better than a bunch of people on the Internet if it’s likely she’ll do that sort of thing to you, but you do sound like you’re already contemplating that possibility. If you go it would probably be wise to make sure you can leave and return home yourself at the drop of a hat.

On the appearance front I think you need to have a frank conversation with her. Along the lines of - “I know you find my style a bit unsophisticated, perhaps even a bit shocking for a woman, but this is who I am. I don’t believe you need to wear dresses, spend hours on your hair or put on makeup to be a woman and I’m not going to that if I go to Italy with you. If you’ll be too embarrassed to have me with you in Italy as the person I am, I understand. We can cancel. I’ll see you when you get back. But you need to stop trying to push this onto me - it’s really rude.”

I lived in Italy and when I went out in Milan I got followed ALL the time... I was a relaxed vibe dresser and just happy go lucky, not skinny. Most of the women in Milan are skinny and immaculately turned out and appear too bothered about what they look like IME.

Seriously, there is nothing more attractive than someone confident in their own skin. Ignore her and enjoy the break.

@boomboomscousin thank you, I am going to send your message. Its polite and to the point

Holy shit.

I'd be cancelling the holiday and the friendship. That's not how you treat a friend. And I include your updates in that comment.

She has a point, which translates quite horribly in our culture :/ just let her know you're secure in your own skin, won't be changing who you are and you view holidays as relaxation not a catcall contest.
I'd go!

@blamchem what do you mean it translates horribly in your culture?

Would you beable to go out and about on your own? I. Know you said it’s qute rural. Is there transport you could use or would you be stuck without her taking you places?