To dread this holiday to Italy with a friend

[needtimealone]

So my friend invited myself and ds to Italy with her and her twin boys. She has a house out there and is going to stay there.

I'm nervous generally anyway but I've come to absolutely dread it.

I'm naturally a tom boy, hair pulled back and a little make up, I actually think I look OK.

When I went round my friends house on Monday she spent the time telling me that I have to go shopping to go to Italy because the people there will be looking at me and judging me, that even people she hasn't spoken to in years will talk to her just to see who I am and they will pass judgement on what I wear. (she is Italian if it makes any difference).

She's told me that while I'm there I can't pull my hair back as "were on holiday after all".

I'm not one for doing all my hair and make up and wearing very girly clothes. I'm dreading going now and just feel like what's the point. Ds and I are very adventurous and I'm an introvert, I don't even know how I'm going to get some time alone. I already feel stressed. It's ds (6) first time abroad and at first I was excited...

@dodie there is a train station so. That's a plus :) I get the feeling she thinks we're going to spend the whole time together...

Can you afford to lose the flight money? I would bin her and the holiday off. What does she add to your life? She is not your friend OP. Be yourself, live your life, dance to your own tune.

no way would I go! She's saying she'll be embarrassed to be seen with you. It's ridiculous to feel that way and unkind to say it.

Just no way.

In the circumstances, I would say don't go, and tell her flat out that she has made you feel uncomfortable and unwelcome unless you pretend to be a different type of person.

Don't mention anything about her children - awful as they sound, it would only put you in the wrong.

Lived/worked in Milan for a year (long time ago) + been to Italy on holiday several times. Love everything Italian!
Lot of good, true advice from previous posters. I predict she will get worse in her own house/on her "home-soil".
You will be used for child-minding + other duties.
Also, believe the dynamics of your friendship weigh heavily in her favour.
Many beautiful places in Italy - go another time - not with your rude "friend".
Can tell you a few "sweary" phrases - but would need to check the spelling

she sounds like liz Hurley organising a vacation,and grooming schedule
Point of being on holiday is to relax,slap on SPF.sunnies,pull hair into a bun.Load your kindle with books, that’s my ideal holiday
Not a convoluted dressing & beauty schedule, that’s exhausting
She sounds ghastly and insecure I couldn’t go away with someone like that

Are you travelling together?
If not, go but do not stay with her. Find a hotel or AirBnB. You are going to need your own space!

She sounds horrible!

Having to be in her company at all sounds far too high a price to pay.

If you are so "unsuitable", I can't begin to think why she even asked you...

I think in many countries, visiting as a foreigner in a touristy place is much different than visiting as a foreign guest of a local. The local will be gossiped about and judged. Tongues will wag. But that will be true whether you dress like you came off a runway or look like you just spend 30 days on a survival course. You’d probably be gossiped about more if you were all dressed up and trying to hard.

Sounds like shes from a small town. My friend is as well. And when they go out on an evening they do dress up abit even just to nip out for pizza. Im guessing its because its holiday season and people to like to dress up especially if it their home town. Like any small place everyone knows everyone. I love it myself. Im not a dressy upper but there is something about having a tan and putting something smarter on that makes you feel like you are on holiday. Something that you wouldnt wear during the day. Can still be casual.

I love Italy. The food cannot be beaten and its lovely to go with a local. Has she got access to a beach?

The irony is that no one else gives a shiny shit what you look like, they are far too busy looking at themselves!

Anyway to me going away on hols means slobbing around and to hell with anyone else.

Woops.

I would very politely decline personally.

No one cares. Honestly. No one cares.
I've not ever in my whole life looked at someone, who's clean and washed, and thought ew. They're not fancy enough? It's stupid. She's so wrong.

Don't go. It sounds as though she's doing you a 'favour' and now she thinks she owns you because of it. If you can't enforce your personal boundaries (you didn't want your hair curled, but it still happened) while you're in your home country, then you will be completely at her mercy staying in her house in a foreign country.

Don't let her ruin your holiday! Still go, have a lovely time and ignore her.

Your friend is very controlling and domineering. She puts you down and you let her! So she belittles you again and again because she can. When she says about your appearance tell her" Don't be so cheeky"
I think you need to test your friendship by having a hissy fit over her put downs. Also try being unreliable. If she asks you to babysit be unavailable. She doesn't seem to realise her behaviour is unreasonable.
If you go on this holiday, go because you intend enjoying yourself in a relaxed way and ignore your friend's nonsense.

It’s simply not that easy rollingon,op will be the babysitter,and trot behind mate
It’s not 2 single adults travelling, it’s two mums with 3 accompanying kids
The op already has the vibe she’ll be the babysitter whilst her mate is making videos

Apologies, I haven’t read the whole thread, but I’ve been going to Italy for the summer for the past 12 years.
No-one gives a monkeys about short hair, or whether you’re wearing make up, or being “feminine”.
Just be normal, polite, everyday, then everything will be fine and you’ll have a lovely holiday.

I said no about 5 times to her doing my hair but she wouldn't have any of it. Ended up curling all my hair

Friends treat you with respect - she isn't.
You're too passive and she's using that to manipulate you into submission.

said I can watch her ds's while she does some cooking for her youtube channel she's about to start
This is probably why you've been invited and also why she wants you to 'dress up', so when people see the 'nanny' with her kids she doesn't feel embarrassed - keeping up appearances and all that.

You'll be doing childcare everyday - as the 'some' cooking will be at least one meal everyday.
It's perfectly fine to go off and do your own thing without the host but she's going to make sure you take her dc too - as she knows you can't be assertive enough with her.

I have family north of Venice. Haven’t been out there for years now but while I’d agree that Italians are generally more image conscious, I never felt judged at all as someone, like you, who can’t walk in heels to save my life and whose general style verges on the ‘dragged through a hedge backwards’!

I second using the flights and staying somewhere else.

Some of them care, just like English people

I am a 1/4 Italian and currently in Le Marche

I couldn't care less sometimes I'm tidy and other times I'm on holiday and relaxing

How bored must they be if they are so interested?

Your friend needs a lesson in diplomacy

It is BS you need to shop and do your hair in order to be ok!!
Where are you going

I live in Italy and while she's right that lots of Italians like to be well put together, there are plenty of scruffy / casual / sporty / alternative Italians too. I don't know how old your friend is but among younger Italians especially the dressed down, no make-up, less overtly figure-hugging/feminine look is very common and fashionable where I am.

They'll all know you're foreign so will expect you to dress and behave differently anyway (sterotypes like socks and sandals, ordering cappucino with a salad) and if it's a small town they'll gossip about you regardless just because you're a new face. The issue is your friend and her insecurity, as long as youor clothes are clean you won't be embarrass her.

Ok OP, send her an email.

Dear Friend.

I am putting this in an email because I am worried about trying to explain myself in person without getting upset or causing offence. But I am happy to chat about it once you understand my worry.

I have been so looking forward to coming to italy with you and DS and I have been really thrilled and honoured to be invited to your house. However as you know, I can be quite a low-key person, and some of the things you have said lately have caused me to feel quite stressed to the point where I am not sure if I should come at all.

I am particularly anxious about a few things:

1. Getting 'glammed up'. This is NOT my style (as you know) and I don't want to spend my holiday feeling uncomfortable and awkward. Heels, makeup and dresses would make me feel very self conscious and unhappy and your pressure on me to do this is causing me to feel extremely anxious. If the destination really requires this of me, perhaps it's not the right place for me?

1. Day to day time. I hope you know how much I enjoy your company (which is why I was so happy to come on holiday), but I have also promised DS a couple of days of just him and I exploring - proably doing things you'd find quite dull anyway!! I just want to ensure that this doesn't seem rude in any way - but as this is his first trip away, I have to take his hobbies/likes into account too.

1. Babysitting. Very happy to do this, but would feel comfortable if we can agree first when and how long and stick to it. I have been taken advantage of in the past (not by you of course) and am just a little wary of comitting to an open-ended amount of time.

(I know the last bit is a lie but so what?)

As I said, really happy to chat this though, but was worried I wouldn't be able to convey my worries as well in person.

Love NeedTime x

Or something...

Surely her neighbours will have seen plenty of foreign tourists in shorts and no make up and not expect the same 'standards' as they would from locals? Either way, sounds grim, what with her badly behaved kids and expecting you to be joined at the hip.

Are you due to fly with her? If not, make an excuse about not going but use the flights go to stay somewhere else in Italy instead. (Just don't out yourself by posting pics on FB if you do!) Or still make an excuse but pay an admin fee to change the flights to a different destination so you and your child don't miss out on a holiday.

I lived in Italy. The Italians generally do like dressing up and parading (passeggiata), and I have met a few judgmental ones, however they were also very kind, welcoming people who accepted me into their communities, both times I lived there, and I will always love Italy.

Italians quite often say what they think without thought for the affect of what they say. Your friend may be doing this. I would be equally blunt back. Don't cancel just yet, tell her she's upset you and made you dread the holiday now. Tell her if she and her friends are that shallow they're not worth spending time with. I'd also look at hotels/air b&b - it would be a shame to miss out on this wonderful country. Either plan the whole trip by yourself or just a few days. This is your holiday- enjoy it..