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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ruined holiday

111 replies

Tessabelle1 · 19/07/2018 16:10

After opinions as to whether I'm right to be mad at my husband!
He is currently on his last work placement as a student nurse, this is important as this needs to be passed to qualify which I fully understand. Now, we have made many sacrifices as a family over the last three years, financially especially as student bursary does not stretch far with 6 of us. We have made these knowing that in the long run we'll be better off. Here's my issue though, we had a weeks holiday booked starting on Saturday to Northumberland, a 4 hour drive away, it's been booked for months, I've got time off work etc. We've already had to curtail it, coming home on Thursday as its fallen on his long week and he needs to get 37 hours in, he's phoned me today to say his mentor has arranged to come in specially on TUESDAY (his rostered day off anyway) to sort out some paper work so he needs to go in! Now I'll admit I lost my temper and told him no and that I wouldn't even discuss it before hanging up! His placement lasts another three weeks, and he'll be there on Friday to do any paperwork, so am I bring unreasonable to be angry that he won't just tell his mentor he can't do it??

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 19/07/2018 16:41

DS2 has 4 shifts left on placement and one week at uni before he graduates as an adult nurse. I booked our few days away for me, him, DH and DS2’s girlfriend (also about to graduate as a nurse) 10 days ago knowing they were both on track to finish on time. If they don’t get they hours in they don’t get their PIN and then they can’t work.

I wouldn’t have booked the holiday knowing he still had placement hours to do. You’re not unreasonable to be upset. Can you go with the kids on your own?

Whatsforu · 19/07/2018 16:41

Students are told not to book holidays during placement time. Particularly not final placement as it is full time. That us why he has not told his mentor.

borlottibeans · 19/07/2018 16:43

Thebrothers the NHS workers I know all seem to be allowed to book holidays within their contractual entitlement. Have I misunderstood something and they're all keeping quiet about regularly flying back from Spain mid holiday to fill in a form?

OP if your DH hasn't told his mentor he's booked that time off he needs to, unless there's some reason he's meant to be on call that week? Anyone in their right mind would be horrified to hear someone had cancelled their family holiday for a non urgent meeting with them.

nearlyfiftyjeez · 19/07/2018 16:43

You will feel differently about this when you have calmed down, dh should come with you and go back on Tuesday, it is one day.
The completion of his placement is the priority despite your exasperation. Give him a break and support him on the final run.
You can still have fun! 🍹

SoupDragon · 19/07/2018 16:44

Can you go without him and he can join you when he’s done?

nearlyfiftyjeez · 19/07/2018 16:46

You sound knackered btw op so you must have a break as planned

Whatsforu · 19/07/2018 16:47

@ borlo-
He is a student, not yet qualified different rules apply.

planetclom · 19/07/2018 16:51

Out it down to experience and go without him. I totally understand your frustration. I did my training years ago and because of illness had to make up 6 weeks at the end which meant I was still a student long after my cohort had got their PINs, I missed my graduation with them and had 6 weeks to wait to start my shiny new job and start earning some money. I don't blame him for just wanting to get it finished.
He was a knob to ask you to book it and he is a knob not to have told the mentor.

Hope he sorts himself out

blackbirdbluebottle · 19/07/2018 16:55

YABU you should have waited until after he finished his course

Original poster
Tessabelle1 · 19/07/2018 16:57

He was at work when he phoned me and I said I wouldn't discuss it on the phone we"ll talk later then hung up as I didn't want a blazing row whilst he was at work. Him coming back would mean taking 2 cars away, something we just can afford to do so it will be a case of him not coming at all I guess I'm just upset as the way we work means one of us is always out and I was looking forward to some family time. Thanks for the calm responses, I'll definitely talk to him later and try to be neutral 😑

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 19/07/2018 16:58

Could you and DC go to the holiday by train, and DH will just have to do without a holiday. He needs to do whatever to qualify, but if this is the only opportunity you and the DC have this summer to go away, I’d say take it. You will lose money anyway if you cancel, and still won’t have had a break.

Butteredparsn1ps · 19/07/2018 16:59

I’m more irked by the fact he hasn't even told his mentor we are going away to even give him the opportunity to arrange an alternative time.

As a Registered Nurse and patient advocate, there will be many occasions when he needs to challenge people. This would be a really good time to start. Can he proactively suggest an alternative date and time to his mentor?

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 19/07/2018 17:01

He’s told you where his priority is. Bid him farewell as you go off on your holiday with the DC

Yes, that's always how family life works Hmm. He might have messed up with some of the planning but I see nothing wrong with his priorities.

The suggestion that he drives back on Tuesday seems best unless he can rearrange with the mentor. You need the holiday but he needs to do what's necessary at this stage - as you acknowledge OP, it's important to all of you in the long term.

Bloody annoying though!

HesterMacaulay · 19/07/2018 17:04

I do understand being frustrated that your DH hasn't queried if the meeting could be rearranged. The only reason I could imagine for not doing this would be if he thinks/knows he shouldn't be away that week?
Glad you posted here and can talk cal.ly tonight. I hope you are able to get a family break.

Regingaphalange · 19/07/2018 17:04

I think you're being pretty selfish and YADBU...

He's almost finished. It's not you v career. It's a degree that is almost done and sometimes that gets in the way of family life. I don't think you should argue with him. He probably already feels shit. Talk to him rationally and good luck OP

ArfArfBarf · 19/07/2018 17:07

Maybe her kids are older than mine and it gets easier but I can’t see how going away on her own with four kids will give the OP a break!

SummersB · 19/07/2018 17:08

I'm sorry did I understand correctly - he has 3 weeks of placement left? If so this is ridiculous, the paperwork can be done when he gets back, unless his mentor will not be available in those 3 weeks.
I say this as a nurse, a mentor and a sign-off mentor.
It's simply ludicrous to say that "This is the NHS", and I have worked in the NHS for 15+ years. Your DH fucked up because he has not told his mentor he is going away and he now feels a fool and doesn't want to tell him/her he isn't available on Tuesday. He needs to put his big boy pants on, apologise and tell them he has a long planned family commitment on that day and arrange another day to do the paperwork. Shiftwork is shit in many respects, but one of the only advantages is that it can be a bit flexible. Even as a student you need to be able to request/arrange certain days off in advance, otherwise you wouldn't ever be able to plan anything at all. I mean even students get invited to weddings/go for weekend breaks/have certain childcare requirements, etc. - just like qualified nurses! Which is totally acceptable and with good planning and communication can and should be accommodated by the placement.

CrispsAndDip · 19/07/2018 17:09

YABU

Go on holiday without him, he can drive back?

Lunde · 19/07/2018 17:11

He needs to be a professional and take control of the situation and tell his mentor that he will be on holiday and find out whether the meeting can be postponed. If the meeting is essential then he will just have to take a day trip back from the holiday.

UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2018 17:12

When you start the course it is made very clear what the hours are and no holidays are allowed outside of the official holidays. Yes, it is extremely frustrating but that is what you sign up to. Getting your book signed off is always a major headache for a student nurse - there just are not enough hours in the day but it will cause major problems if not done.

I don't blame you for being fed up after the last 3 years of your husband working long hours and every spare moment spent on studying and essays. But he's almost done now and he can't just decide to opt out now for the sake of a holiday. Did you not realise how strict they were about holidays? He really should have made it clearer so the holiday wasn't booked now.

cameltoeflappyflapflap · 19/07/2018 17:14

Welcome to AHP uni courses and the NHS.

Part of the reason I left.

With these kinds of degrees, you can't plan for anything.

He is so close to finishing, I'm sure he's just as frustrated as you to hear about his placement and his tutor but this is the reality of uni.

If he doesn't complete this then he can't graduate so whilst it's fucking balls, it will be worth it for this placement to be over.

OnYourSix · 19/07/2018 17:18

The thing is, there is a huge amount of paperwork to complete in your final placement, and if it is anything like my trust you do not get extra time to complete student's paperwork, and the shifts are far too busy to sit down properly and go through all the competencies, evidence and skills that need to be signed off individually. Not having it complete may, depending on when his exam board meets, mean that his graduation, obtaining his PIN and starting work are all delayed. His mentor having annual leave, either your DH or mentor going off sick or busy shifts all risk there not being enough time to get everything signed off, which the university will be less sympathetic to if the mentor can prove that time to complete the paperwork was offered and declined. Maybe he can suggest a change in date but ultimately getting the paperwork done is the students responsibility, and he has not left much time to rearrange to get everything done in good time

gillybeanz · 19/07/2018 17:19

You resent what he is doing yet agree to get into debt, book holidays when he's near the end of his placement and then complain when it doesn't fit in.
You have made sacrifices which lots of people do to support their partner, but it's not his fault this has happened now.
In hindsight it wasn't the time to book a holiday, also not his fault, unless he assured you/ had in writing that he would be finished before holiday.
As above, blame system, college, mentor, etc.

Trinity66 · 19/07/2018 17:19

YABU if he can't change it but if he can but just won't ask than YANBU. I would go away without him and try to enjoy yourself eventhough it's disappointing

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 19/07/2018 17:24

Bloody annoying. Not just him but the expense too.

Can you not get a friend to do the holiday with you so you get downtime/ fun with a grown up and he gets a break too? Actually 3 jobs sounds like you need it more.
Leave the kids with him and just go with a friend.
When he passes book a fab holiday to make up for this one.