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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“One knows that“, “One sees that“, AIBU to think dh is being conscending?

80 replies

ConfusedWife1234 · 19/07/2018 10:47

Backstory: This is actually not a lighthearted thread, my husband has mental health issues and he has been very unhappy lately because he feels unable to lead at the workplace. He feels that those working for him just do as they please instead of following his lead. I thought about writing in Relationships but it is also an AIBU.

So a little story from our life’s. I was making a floral arrangement and that is something dh does not care about at all, but when he came in he told me that of course I must be knowing I was doing this all wrong, because the one kind of flower would make the others wither and it would not last. I have been arranging flowers since childhood, he does not care about flowers at all. I have never heard of that before so I asked him how he knew (and I was being friendly) and he cursed and said “One just knows“. Then he kind of strutted around, inspected my other flower arrangements and proclaimed those were better.

He really does not like being asked questions that question his authority (or so he thinks). He just answers that “One just knows“, or “One just sees“ and to my that sounds snobby and coscending. Also he sometimes micromanaged (like in this case inspecting my flower arrangements which are none of his business, plus he was also wrong with what said about arranging flowers).

I really do love him and he can be such a nice and loyal spouse, he can also be very modest but this annoys me... and what’s worse: I fear it might annoy those working for him. How do you think? AIBU to think this annoys people? AIBU to want to discuss this with him? AIBU to ask how to do this without hurting his feelings, because he already feels worthless and unable to lead?

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 19/07/2018 10:50

Can't you just reply 'well, this one doesn't care'?

Storm4star · 19/07/2018 10:52

Do you think he's doing this at home because of the situation at work? There are leadership/management courses he could take if this would give him more confidence? Yes I would find it condescending if someone spoke to me that way. You could try talking to him about it in a gentle way?

Rinoachicken · 19/07/2018 10:52

YANBU - is is very snobby and condescending and irritating and smug and if he talks like this at work I would imagine it’s got everyone’s backs up.

Not sure how you can broach it with him though, but YANBU

ToastyFingers · 19/07/2018 10:53

I wouldn't have much respect for a boss who spoke to me like that, especially if he was wrong (as he was with the flowers).

FittonTower · 19/07/2018 10:54

Yeah, that would wind me right up. And if he was my manager i would probably ignore him too. If someone is making a mistake - whether its flower arranging at home or at work telling them "one just knows" doesn't teach them anything, its just sounds like you're calling your staff members or spose or whatever idiots. That's not how you lead, that just makes people dislike you or desroys people's self confidence.

Readyfortheschoolhols · 19/07/2018 10:56

One is a complete bell end should cover it.

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 19/07/2018 10:56

Zaphidsotherhead Actually I wanted to snap at him. I did so before. This time I bit my tongue, because he has mental health problems and feeling very down and I have decided to be extra nice for a few months until he feels better... and I did not want to make a mountain out of a molehill...

But it is not the first time he acted like this and if he is being stressed he acts more conscending, not less... and I fear it might not be a good idea to act like this in the workplace.

OP posts:
YreneTowers · 19/07/2018 10:56

My 5 year old replies "I just know" when I ask him where he got whatever snippet of information he's deigned to impart to the rest of the family.

Sometimes it's something funny or interesting. Usually it's complete rubbish he made up off the top of his head...

Cawfee · 19/07/2018 10:57

Following with interest because I’ve got one like this

Pippylou · 19/07/2018 10:58

Clearly he does not know and I would be using the word respect, as in "show me some respect" around him. I would also have used "one does not know" but then left it. He will need to think it through and sometimes sugar coating is a disservice.

I think it's an older man thing, it gets worse as they age.

Elementtree · 19/07/2018 10:58

Yes, it does sound condescending and that's exactly what you were meant to take from the exchange. If he is asserting his authority at work by undermining the knowledge and confidence of others then that's going to cause issues.

But regardless of his colleagues, what did you say? I hope you told him to get fucked and take his pissy attitude with him.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/07/2018 10:58

I don't think having poor MH is a free pass to treat other people unpleasantly, though. Yes, you can have more tolerance, but I don't think you should have to bite your tongue if he is being a dick

Elementtree · 19/07/2018 10:59

Xpost, I type too slow.

Rinoachicken · 19/07/2018 11:02

Also, things aren’t going to get any better at work, and so ease his low mod, until he stops being such an unpleasant person.

Next time maybe just say ‘do you realise how rude and ignorant you sound when you say that?’ He may genuinely not realise how he is coming across, in which case he can change. If he does know and just doesn’t care well then you can be a bit tougher and give him a few home truths abot WHY his team at work don’t respect him!

AtSea1979 · 19/07/2018 11:02

I can see how it’s mildly annoying but you seem to be scrutinising it a little too much.
Maybe he just wanting to take an interest in your hobby. Have you googled it to see if he’s correct?
Sometimes there’s certain things you learn and people ask where you got it from and you think well I just know. Using “one” isn’t my style but presumably there’s a reason he does this?

Rinoachicken · 19/07/2018 11:03

He needs to be told because ‘one’ day, he’ll say it to the wrong person

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 19/07/2018 11:04

Pippylou He is actually not old.
Cawfee Have you discussed it with him? What did you say.
Everybody Thanks, just what I thought. Nobody wants to be talked like that.

He is not always like this. He can also be very polite but sometimes he is like this. For some reason he cannot stand people asking him questions. I do not know why.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 19/07/2018 11:07

Urgh, his behaviour sounds a right pain. You must have a lot of patience!

A more assertive response to his criticism of your flower arranging (rather than your aggressive one) would have been to say something like: when you criticise what I’ve done I feel angry and upset, please don’t do it”.

Is the issue at work actually his performance? His colleagues, even those reporting to him, won’t simply do as he says if they don’t think his advice, decisions or performance are any good.

53rdWay · 19/07/2018 11:08

if he is being stressed he acts more conscending, not less

Yes - he wants someone to feel superior to.

YWNBU to tell him you’re sorry he’s having a shit time at the moment, but taking it out on you isn’t fair. Also he’s being ridiculous with the “one just knows” nonsense and you should just laugh at him.

Ohyesiam · 19/07/2018 11:09

It wouldn’t just annoy me, it would make me feel violent. I don’t know if it would be worse from a spouse or a boss, but unacceptable either way.

But after taking a breath, he must feel crap to have to act so superior then as good as admit he doesn’t know what he’s talking sbout( one just knows might as well be I’ve no idea).
What sort of mh problems.

Loopytiles · 19/07/2018 11:09

Laughing at him would also be an aggressive response.

Has he sought help for his MH issue?

Shoxfordian · 19/07/2018 11:10

He sounds rude. If he's like it at work then its hardly a surprise nobody wants to work with him.

It's difficult but it could be worth talking to him and explaining how his attitude makes him seem to you and others. Would he be receptive to this kind of chat?

BlancheM · 19/07/2018 11:10

That's how I imagine the queen talks. It sounds incredibly contrived, self-important annoying. I would ask him if he's heard that particular turn of phrase on a tv show to check it's not some kind of 'in joke' then if that isn't the case, 'ok I'm just checking you don't actually speak to people like that at work do you? It's very odd.'

sugarbum · 19/07/2018 11:13

"I don't think having poor MH is a free pass to treat other people unpleasantly, though. Yes, you can have more tolerance, but I don't think you should have to bite your tongue if he is being a dick"

This.

My DH has MH issues but I make it clear when he is being an arsehole. And if he tried to make a comment like that about my hobby, I'd also tell him that one is being an arsehold.

53rdWay · 19/07/2018 11:13

Laughing at him would also be an aggressive response.

Nah. He’s being ridiculous. Laughing and saying “DH, you know nothing about flower arranging, why are you lecturing me on this like a Victorian squire?” is entirely reasonable.

It is a shame he has MH issues, but that doesn’t mean he gets to treat OP however he likes in order to feel better.