“One knows that“, “One sees that“, AIBU to think dh is being conscending?

[ConfusedWife1234]

Backstory: This is actually not a lighthearted thread, my husband has mental health issues and he has been very unhappy lately because he feels unable to lead at the workplace. He feels that those working for him just do as they please instead of following his lead. I thought about writing in Relationships but it is also an AIBU.

So a little story from our life’s. I was making a floral arrangement and that is something dh does not care about at all, but when he came in he told me that of course I must be knowing I was doing this all wrong, because the one kind of flower would make the others wither and it would not last. I have been arranging flowers since childhood, he does not care about flowers at all. I have never heard of that before so I asked him how he knew (and I was being friendly) and he cursed and said “One just knows“. Then he kind of strutted around, inspected my other flower arrangements and proclaimed those were better.

He really does not like being asked questions that question his authority (or so he thinks). He just answers that “One just knows“, or “One just sees“ and to my that sounds snobby and coscending. Also he sometimes micromanaged (like in this case inspecting my flower arrangements which are none of his business, plus he was also wrong with what said about arranging flowers).

I really do love him and he can be such a nice and loyal spouse, he can also be very modest but this annoys me... and what’s worse: I fear it might annoy those working for him. How do you think? AIBU to think this annoys people? AIBU to want to discuss this with him? AIBU to ask how to do this without hurting his feelings, because he already feels worthless and unable to lead?

I have had depression that very nearly killed me. Not ONCE did I turn into the kind of person you describe your H as.

How does your H think HE makes others (including you) feel when he treats them like this?

The WORLD will receive him better if the energy he puts out is more approachable, kind and resepctful.

“he said really bad things about himself. That the world does not need people like him and stuff like that.”

Suggest sharing that information with his health professionals.

Is he getting any help with his performance at work?

@lottiegarbanzo: A while ago I asked about my husband job at a career board, when he learned he was devasted because he thought the info I gave would make it possible to identify him.

But I think I can give some general info. Yes, I do think it is a negative workplace because there is lots of politicking and lots of feuds. There is no real will to work together as a team and dh is heartbroken he could not make them work together as a team.
It is a workplace where typically planning for the work is just as important as the work itself. I am not sure if that makes sense. How can I explain it? In this workplace you need to be wellprepared in order to be able to perform well. But there are some people working there who typically are everything but wellprepared because they do think it is not that important. Dh tried them realize that and they agreed and payed more attention to planning what they were doing... and for a while their performance was up... but then they became sloppy and everything went back to normal.
Dh runs around and constantly has to remind some individuals of things that are in their responsibility and that they should know.

Dh feels like the people working in this workplace are anything but inspired to do a good job and he feels that this is his fault... and there is something even worse. As I said he has mental health problems and sometimes he thinks of things that scare him and cannot stop obsessing about them... and he became very distressed by the thought that the company could have to shut down and that people would be losing their jobs and that one or several of them would commit suicide then and he had their blood on his hands then.

I am a SAHM and do know very little about those things but I do think he has positive attributes that he brings to his workplace, first of all I do think he is very smart and understand new things and concepts quickly, he is hardworking, he has got discipline, he acts planful, he does care about the people at his workplace, he is loyal and supports them. He takes deep personal interest in other people.
While he can be conscending and patronizing he typically tries to treat people nice and fairly and if he doesn‘t treat them fairly often he will realize later and tell them he is sorry. I think some of those things can be useful in the workplace,can‘t they?

he needs to think a lot less about work and just turn up and do the job. He would probably benefit from a few sessions of cognitive behaviour therapy with a psychologist if the NHS would refer him or you could afford to pay privately.

Ok, well I think I've made all the useful suggestions I can. The point is for him to talk to useful people IRL who can help him with the specifics of him and his situation.

It sounds a bit as though he's not happy unless things are perfect and turns everything around against himself, rather than being able to break things down into distinct tasks and problems, set some aside while concentrating on others and see tasks and other people as external to himself... maybe but I'm specualting.

Real life help is what's needed. Maybe a consultation with a career consultant, who can focus on revising his CV to his strengths and offer sensible job-hunting suggestions.