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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DP to stay home today?

98 replies

Brendatheblender · 19/07/2018 07:02

Been up since midnight with a bad case of D&V and a delightful UTI thrown in for good measure. Can’t keep water down and generally feel shit and want to rest.

I asked DP if he could stay home to look after DCs (2&3) and he said no, he needed to go into work. I stayed in bed for a few minutes longer and was called a fucking wanker and he stormed out shouting something about not taking me out for dinner this weekend as we had planned.

I get a sick bug about once and year and I’m always left to look after the DCs while DP goes to work. He has taken one day off to help me out in 3 years which was when I had a migraine and couldn’t actually stand up. So it’s not like he has to do it a lot.

AIBU in feeling really pissed off about it? In fact I’ve told him not to bother coming home tonight as he’s really upset me with the lack of support and name calling.

OP posts:
JagerPlease · 19/07/2018 07:07

You were certainly NBU to ask - difficult to know if he could/should have stayed as depends on reality of him being able to just take a day off.

But he was definitely definitely BVU to speak to you like that!

NewYearNewMe18 · 19/07/2018 07:09

I don't think it is reasonable to ask someone to let their employer and colleagues down with zero notice. Unless of course he is self employed - but then he's letting his customers down.

Are you ill enough to be hospitalised? If not, then you'll cope.

Name calling - not good, but then, I don't know how much burning martyr he was smelling by then Wink. I presume that is the one line in a whole exchange you've chosen to impart.

Don't worry about dinner, following the D&V rule you're not allowed out for 48 hours

ShatnersBassoon · 19/07/2018 07:09

He shouldn't be losing his temper like that. No matter how stressed he is, there's no need to be calling you names and storming out.

I can understand the refusal to be absent from work. There's a huge amount of pressure and expectation in some workplaces. You'll muddle through today - park the kids in front of the TV, feed them things that can be eaten without preparation and have a nap this afternoon.

Original poster
Brendatheblender · 19/07/2018 07:09

Sorry I forgot to mention that he is self employed and can be pretty flexible, especially on Mondays when he can’t be arsed to get up... staying home is no problem then!

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 19/07/2018 07:11

Well, today he couldn't be flexible. You'll be fine.

OwlinaTree · 19/07/2018 07:11

Difficult one. I certainly have days at work where meetings etc are planned and cancelling because my partner had d and v would not be possible.

Is there anyone who can help with the children? Any grand parents or friends?

Melliegrantfirstlady · 19/07/2018 07:11

You poor thing. No way should you accept this behaviour. Text him and say the only way you will forgive him is if he comes home from work at lunch time with flowers and a massive apology!

I dread to think what he’s like in general!

Ansumpasty · 19/07/2018 07:13

I think a previous poster is being harsh.

If it was the other way around and he had your sickness and uti, he’d be off work and in bed all day, resting.
YANBU and he’s the wanker

Cismyass · 19/07/2018 07:14

He sounds awful OP does he often throw temper tantrums?

KittyVonCatsworth · 19/07/2018 07:14

It may have been too short notice for him to take time off but it’s awful the way he’s spoken to you. Big huffy man who’s punishing you like a naughty child ‘right! That’s it. I am definitely not taking you out this weekend’. And calling you a fucking wanker??! He sounds delightful.

Shove the kids in front of the TV today and feed them sweeties. Hand them straight over to DP as soon as he walks in the door tonight, bored and jacked up on sugar 👿

Get well soon xx

Original poster
Brendatheblender · 19/07/2018 07:15

My Mum has meetings all day. I’m hoping his mum can help out.

To be honest, we have a lot going on in our relationship at the minute, I have been very poorly with my mental health and he has struggled to deal with that. So this morning may have been the straw that broke the camels back.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 19/07/2018 07:16

That's a shit response, and I don't like him punishing you for asking for help by withdrawing weekend plans either.

Sirzy · 19/07/2018 07:18

Was there something which happened between the asking and then the abuse and storming out? Seems like a dramatic response without there being some sort of other conversation!

Either way he isn’t being unreasonable not to stay if he can’t - most jobs you can’t just pick up and put down as needed - but he was to abuse you

Lostalldirection · 19/07/2018 07:20

I completely sympathise! I have a self employed DP and a 2 and 3 year old!

I had a migraine yesterday, an horrendous one, and my DP refused to take the day off to look after children so I could curl up in a ball in a dark bedroom. And yet he took a day off last week because he 'felt ill' but seemed fine and was able to carry on as normal all day. When I had a terrible cold a few months ago and both children were full of cold at the same time I asked him to take a day off and help, he refused and told me 'you'll be fine it's just a cold' When he then caught that cold he took two days off to lay around and do nothing!

Scotinoz · 19/07/2018 07:21

Of course your husband is being a cock, especially for calling you a wanker. If you were both working and the kids had D&V, he'd have no choice but to sort his shit out in the office and stay home.

Your kids will survive a day of tv and cereal though.

Solidarity fist bump

frenchknitting · 19/07/2018 07:21

Not unreasonable IMO. If you were working he would need to take days off for sick kids much more often than once per year.

Even if there was a genuine reason that it was really bad timing, he should at the least stay until he could get his mum or a friend over. Or get the kids up and dressed and breakfast first.

52FestiveRoad · 19/07/2018 07:22

Well, if he catches the D & V then you will know not to lift a finger for him, don't you!

Lostalldirection · 19/07/2018 07:23

Also meant to say....speaking to you like that is wholly unacceptable. And I would be telling him to shove his plans to 'take you out'. You're not a child that can have your 'treats' withdrawn for bad behaviour. Take yourself out for the afternoon or evening instead and let him stay home and look after the children.

Original poster
Brendatheblender · 19/07/2018 07:24

sirzy no nothing in between other than me not getting out of bed when he asked me to.

Thank you for everyone who has been kind. I’m feeling very vulnerable right now.

OP posts:
NameChangingParanoid · 19/07/2018 07:28

I don’t think YABU, I’d expect my partner to stay home in this situation.

Original poster
Brendatheblender · 19/07/2018 07:31

I could understand him being pissed off if I expected him to do it all the time but I don’t, it’s once in a blue moon.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 19/07/2018 07:31

It depends if he has taken lots of time off in the past? It’s a hard one, he probably needs to work but he should not have gone off on one. I know it’s hard when you have little ones but a lot of single mums do cope alone. I found it easier once I kicked dh out as I knew I was going it alone and I just had to cope when I was ill or kids were ill. Stick them in front of children’s tv, set up camp on the sofa and sleep when they are quiet. Hope you feel better soon x

MindMyOwnBeesSlacks · 19/07/2018 07:32

Yanbu. All these posters saying until you're hospitalised you'll cope Hmm arseholes the lot of them

I've had to get dh to come home early from work as dd1, dd2 and me all came down with d&v and I couldn't get up from the floor.

And exactly that these same dh will then take 2 days off when they're unwell.

I fucking hate this 'women can crack on, we don't need help' mentality

And @NewMeNewYear18 so it's not ok to let work colleagues down but it's ok to let your family down. I pity your family.

rainbowstardrops · 19/07/2018 07:32

He sounds horrible!
It would be such a shame if he gets d&v too. Especially on Saturday when you take yourself off by yourself because he won't take you out now and he has the kids Wink

strawberrisc · 19/07/2018 07:33

I can say from recent experience the workplace, self-employed or not is getting tougher and tougher.

I HATE being sick and in between bouts you just crave a sleep. It will be tough for you running after the little ones.

He had NO RIGHT to call you names.

Playing Devil’s advocate though my doctor recently wanted to sign me off work for three weeks. Our department in work is really struggling. I agreed to the week (very much needed) then went back way too early. Everyone in every workplace is under so much pressure that I do feel for him too.

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