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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DP to stay home today?

98 replies

Brendatheblender · 19/07/2018 07:02

Been up since midnight with a bad case of D&V and a delightful UTI thrown in for good measure. Can’t keep water down and generally feel shit and want to rest.

I asked DP if he could stay home to look after DCs (2&3) and he said no, he needed to go into work. I stayed in bed for a few minutes longer and was called a fucking wanker and he stormed out shouting something about not taking me out for dinner this weekend as we had planned.

I get a sick bug about once and year and I’m always left to look after the DCs while DP goes to work. He has taken one day off to help me out in 3 years which was when I had a migraine and couldn’t actually stand up. So it’s not like he has to do it a lot.

AIBU in feeling really pissed off about it? In fact I’ve told him not to bother coming home tonight as he’s really upset me with the lack of support and name calling.

OP posts:
abilockhart · 19/07/2018 07:51

I stayed in bed for a few minutes longer and was called a fucking wanker and he stormed out shouting something about not taking me out for dinner this weekend as we had planned.

He sounds horrible.

MissP103 · 19/07/2018 07:51

Yanbu, I had a bad ear infection and other complications recently and my dh took 2 days off to help with ds. That's what loving people do in a relationship. Was he not concerned about your DC getting sick themselves? He sounds horrible.

RealEstateNovelist · 19/07/2018 07:53

If your DH was the one with D&V I’m sure he would stay home. Sure you don’t want to let colleagues down but things come up that are out of our control.

nearlyfiftyjeez · 19/07/2018 07:55

I can’t believe he called you that, nor threatening you over the weekend plans.
I am sorry to say the D&V are the least of your problems. He sounds like an awful dp and I am not sure why you would want to stay with a man who has so little respect and love for you.
Yes you will get over the sickness eventually but your relationship may not. I would be reconsidering my options and future if my dh ever spoke to me like that.

TheHauntedFishtank · 19/07/2018 07:57

Yeah, he’s being an arsehole. In terms of moving forward if I were you I would get alternative childcare in place (nursery if possible) so a) if this happens again you can send them in and b) to make things a bit easier when you leave him. DH is in the forces and would have been allowed to take time off in your situation.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 19/07/2018 07:59

The kids belong to both of you. It’s only fair he takes responsibility occasionally in emergencies like this.

Original poster
Brendatheblender · 19/07/2018 07:59

He has now text me saying that he won’t let me leave with the kids as I’ll probably harm them like I wanted to harm myself when I was detained.

There’s no coming back from that comment for me I’m afraid.

My DM is off work tomorrow and I’m going to pack up and take the kids and me to hers.

He’s a cruel bastard.

OP posts:
ShadowHuntress · 19/07/2018 08:00

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first check that you're not surrounded by arseholes

I love this. I’m not trying to minimise mh issues, but ^ is so true. There are people in your life who understand and pick you up when you’re down. Others who kick you while you’re down. The fact your dh says he will make it hard for you if you decide to leave, and suggests he will use you mh issues against you, shows he is not on your side. What an awful, awful thing to say. He’s emotionally blackmailing you when you’re at your most vulnerable.

There is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it. We’re all told to do it so it baffles me when posters tell you to just get on with it. He should of stayed home and helped you.

kernowsailor · 19/07/2018 08:01

OP that's awful. He's being deliberately cruel to you. He doesn't mean it. If he genuinely thought that about you he wouldn't have got you upset and then left for the day - he'd have been too worried about the safety of your DC. Time to call his bluff.....

Shantotto · 19/07/2018 08:02

How are you supposed to nap when you've got two kids to look after? Mine wouldn't nap. The TV would distract them for all of 5 minutes before they ran off causing havoc.

I got D&V one day and my DP came home from work. I would have had to lock my almost 3 year old into the bathroom with me while he watched me throw up otherwise.

nearlyfiftyjeez · 19/07/2018 08:02

Wow. That was below the belt. Call
your mum and ask her to help you leave. Is it your house or his? Change the locks with his stuff outside if it is your home.
Make sure the children are well cared for and not in ear shit.
This relationship is over I am sorry op

ShadowHuntress · 19/07/2018 08:02

Just read your update. I’m so sorry but you’re doing the right thing and leaving. I honestly think he’s making your mh issues worse. Make sure you keep eveidence of all the messages he’s sent you Flowers

nearlyfiftyjeez · 19/07/2018 08:03

Ear shot!!

Babysharkstuckinmyhead · 19/07/2018 08:03

Well he sounds a delight! I don’t say it often, but I think you should run for the hills. Get as far away as you can from this man.

User183737 · 19/07/2018 08:05

I would never ask a man to stay in. They never want to and see you as an inconvenience. Fuck that, thats why im single. Im noone's burden. In future have some emergency paid childcare on hand and make him pay for it.
Women are taken as mugs in relationships. If the other foot occurred youd be expected to care for the kids by default.

NewYearNewMe18 · 19/07/2018 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Butterymuffin · 19/07/2018 08:07

He'd have to take a lot more time off work if he kept the kids with him so I don't see that happening.

worstmovieever · 19/07/2018 08:08

I'm sorry what? You did say you had a slight cold didn't you op because surely people can't be expecting you to soldier on through a bout of d&v with a uti thrown in for luck? I mean surely if he had it he would take the day off so why can't you and he look after them? My dh takes days off if I'm ill and I'm ill a lot and his employers are really good about it but op says he's self employed and only had 1 day in 3 years and he's always going in late when he wants to sleep in! As the way he spoke to you and the comment about cancelling dinner plans well that's just bloody awful and I'd be glad I didn't have to spend time alone with him. I couldn't stay in this kind of marriage. He sounds bloody awful.

Original poster
Brendatheblender · 19/07/2018 08:11

newyearnewme I am up and out of bed thanks. Looking after my DCs in between throwing up and shitting through the eye of a needle.

It’s either MN or Paw Patrol, I chose MN.

OP posts:
HellenaHandbasket · 19/07/2018 08:14

Arsehole. Def go to your mum's.

tattyheadsmum · 19/07/2018 08:14

Why does anyone bother responding to NewYearNewMe18? If I see his (and it’s definitely a “him”) name on a thread, I just skip his comment as it’s always guaranteed to be unpleasant and unsupportive. He’s a misogynist who weirdly chooses to spend a load of time on here. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

OP, you’ve made the right decision; and don’t (like another unhappy poster has on another thread) warn him that you’re going. Best of luck.

ProperLavs · 19/07/2018 08:15

He actually sounds really unpleasant OP.
It's not just about going to work, I get that he might have to, it's the name calling.

MindMyOwnBeesSlacks · 19/07/2018 08:17

Trust me NewYearNewMe18 people like you are not picking up my slack 😂

So you can put your norks and 90s vocabulary away and scuttle off to the Brexit thread where I see you spend a bit of time, not works time I hope 🙄

icklekid · 19/07/2018 08:18

I left work early because of d&v bug. I rang my husband because I needed him to come home early to pick the kids up. He refused. I had to get their childminder to drop them home. I managed to throw toast and them and put them to bed. He then got the bug at the weekend. I did make the point that I felt how he did and had to sort the children. He understood but still never apologised....

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 19/07/2018 08:18

If your DH was the one with D&V I’m sure he would stay home. Sure you don’t want to let colleagues down but things come up that are out of our control.

This is it. If he would stay home if he was this ill, then he should take responbility for his children when you are this ill.

Once when I had D&V I fainted while I was on the toilet, fell off, and woke up with a massive bump on my head, surrounded in.. well.. everything.

DS2 was in a bouncer in the living room, DP had just popped out to take DS1 to MILs (DS1 is the person who'd brought the 24hr thing home, and was past it, MIL was careful not to pick it up herself, DS2 was breast feeding, and had been innoculated a few weeks earlier and didn't catch it luckily).

It happens easily when you're ill and can't keep water down - I was lucky that DP wasn't gone long, and DS2 was immobile - it could have been very dangerous with a 2 and 3 year old!